The Most Important People in My Life

My best friend Lacey posted a blog a few days ago with pictures of her, her husband, and their new baby girl (who I consider my neice), and she entitled it "The Most Important People in My Life". It gave me the idea to also write a blog about the most important people in my life, and even if they dont read my blog, I am going to write about them/to them anyway.

Dad- What can I say, I was born with the best father on the planet. Not only are you always supportive but you add fun and laughter to my life daily. I love your sense of humor and the way you can make anything funny...I guess Davey got that from you. Thank you for ALWAYS supporting me and never giving up on me, even when I had given up on myself. You are my rock, and I will always be your little princess, no matter how old I get.

Mom- Your love and generousity is astounding. I have never met anyone as selfless as you in my entire life, and I aspire to be like you. Thank you for always supporting me in every way and always being there for me. I dont know where I would be without you.

Dorin- I love you. I adore you. I cant wait to spend my life with you. You are my best friend and I look forward to our lives together. We have been through alot together and here we are still going strong. Thank you for showing me everyday how much you love and adore me, and thank you for giving me the chance to help you raise the most precious little boy in the world. Cheers to us baby, this is only the beginning.

Lacey- Hands Down, you are my best friend. No matter what I am going through you always get me through it through your love and advice. I want to thank you for all your patience with me through the worst time in my life, and you know what Im talking about. Thank you for also being patient when Im crazy busy and dont answer my phone for days. I love you more than words can say, and even though we dont have the same blood, you are the closest thing to a sister I will EVER have. I am so extremely happy for you and the life you have created for yourself. Your precious baby girl will always be loved and adored by me, and I cant wait until you move back to Washington and we can sit and have coffee together every morning while chatting about our kids, husbands, and lives. I love you and I sincerely appreciate you.

Ashley- What can I say, even though we have only known each other for about a year now, you have become one of my closest friends. Thank you for always listening and giving amazing advice. I have told you this before, but you are irreplaceable in my life, and I know that God has blessed me with a great friend like you. I wish you all the blessings and happiness in your future whether that be here or in Spokane (wink, wink), because I know no matter what we will always be close.

Tanner- Thank you for being born. Thank you for loving me unconditionally every single day. I love you more than words could ever describe. I look forward to watching you grow up (but not too fast I hope) into an amazing person. Even though Im not your real mom, I love you just the same. I consider you my son and that will never change.

Alan- You are such a good brother to me and I love you for that so much. You have such a good heart and sincerely are one of the best people I know. Thank you for doing all the little things you do for me, like washing my car without me even knowing. Even though I am older than you, I feel like you are my big brother because of the protection you have over me. I know that we havent always been close, but its so nice to see that we are growing closer by the day.

Davey- You are hands down the funniest person I have ever known. You bring laughter into my life and i love you for it. I know now that you are living in Alaska we dont see each other for long periods of time, but you are always close to my heart. You are my baby brother and I love you very much.

Jessica- Before "the storm", you were the closest person to me in my life for a LONG time. You helped me through the most painful and difficult year of my life, and I want to thank you for that. I am so thankful that we are on the road to rebuilding a friendship because, to me, I will never be able to find a friend I connect with like I did with you. You are amazing in so many ways I cannot even count them all. Thank you for giving me another chance to try to make things right. I love you.

If All my Dreams Came True....

This is what my life would look like if all of my dreams in life(that I can think of right now)came true.

1. My best friend Lacey and her beautiful family would move to Washington and we would live next door to each other forever. Our kids would be best friends forever. We would go through ups and downs together which would only make our friendship stronger. We would have coffee every morning after we put the kids on the bus to school. Josh, her, my future husband, and I would go on double dates. Our husbands would be good friends, and we would always be in each other lives.

2. I would get my Masters in Social Work degree and a Bacholers Degree in Child Psychology. I would go to work everyday, working for the State of Washington DSHS, and I would help take children out of horrible environments and give them a new chance at life. I would also talk to the parents of the children who were taken away and assist them in getting the help they need to be better inviduals and parents. Another part of my job would be talking to the children who were taken out of the unhealthy homes and help them realize how special and important they are, and answer all of their questions that they may have.

3. I would marry the man that I had always been waiting for my entire life. We would love each other, care about each other, have fun and laugher be a big part of our relationship and life, and honesty be the center of our relationship. We would have the same beliefs and rely on God for all of our needs and thank Him for all our celebrations and blessings. We would teach our children about the Lord, take them to church, and show them the love of Jesus through the way we treat each other.

4. Once I marry the man who was made for me and we start a family, I would take a couple years off to raise our children, which we would probably have 2, maybe 3 at the most. After the children were in school, I would go back to work as a social worker in order to be able to send our children to private school. We would have family dinners together every night and discuss our days with our children and each other. We would always try to maintain a strong family bond. We would teach our children, through telling them about the mistakes we had made in the past, what to avoid. We would encourage our children in all their talents and interests they became interested in, whether that being soccer or chess.

5. Backing up a little bit, once we got married, I would love to take a honeymoon to Maui, only because it is the most romantic place I have ever been in my entire life. We would look at the sights, swim and snorkle in the ocean, enjoy fabulous dinners, and watch the sunsets every night together.

6. I know there will always be hard times in everyones life at some point, but my husband would be a very determined, non-lazy, hard working man who would contribute to our household. I would also work too, but I would never want to be the only person working my entire marriage. I need a partner in all areas of marriage, and that includes financial teamwork as well.

7. We would have family vacations to Disneyland once the children were old enough to enjoy it and tall enough to ride all the rides. My husband and I would also take atleast one, maybe two vacations alone without the kids...probably with Josh and Lacey.

8. My parents and my husbands parents would ALWAYS be a huge part of our lives. We would have Sunday dinner all together every other Sunday night. They would have great, close relationships with their grandkids.

9. We would be financially stable enough to buy a new house or car when the one we currently owned was no longer big or suitable for us.

10. I would never want to worry about serious problems between my husband and I, I mean the serious enough problems that lead to thinking about divorce. Divorce is NOT an option for me once I marry someone, so if we were having problems we would have open communication, trust, patience, and love for each other even in the midst of the problems.

11. We would have a couple of animals. I would love to adopt an older big shelter dog like a lab or something. Also, I would love to give my kids an animal of their own (once they are old enough to take care of it) so they learn to take care of something else.


Bottom Line: I just want to have a happy life where I know that I am at peace with the choices that I make, and that I rely on the Lord for my strength and wisdom. I know that life isnt always going to be butterflies and sunshine, but I firmly believe that the good times should ALWAYS outweigh the bad TENFOLD.

WHAT WOULD IT LOOK LIKE IF ALL YOUR DREAMS CAME TRUE??

Addiction....and How Heartbreaking It Is.

You know, before I ever touched a pain killer, I used to have this opinion of drug users/addicts. I thought they were all losers who obviously wanted nothing for their lives and were just trash....I know that sounds harsh but that is the truth of my old views. Now, looking back, with everything that God has brought me to and THROUGH, my prespective have completely changed. I believe addiction is one of the saddest things I have ever come in contact with.

I think we can all agree that NO ONE dreams of being a drug addict when they grow up. In Elementary school children are always asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?". Most kids will say things like, "I want to be a doctor, a nurse, vet, firefighter, lawyer, etc." I dont think one teacher who has ever asked that question to a child has ever gotten the response, "I want to be a drug addict." Its just not something ANYONE wants to be, EVER.

I know that there is a HUGE DEBATE about addiction, some people believe (most of which have never personally dealt with addiction or have done little to no research on it) that addiction is just a mere personality flaw and that the person could stop doing drugs if they wanted to at anytime, but they continue to use because they are stupid. Another set of invididuals believe (these people include doctors, addiction specialists, recovering addicts) that addiction is actual a chronic illness that needs to be treated just as any other chronic illness. Of course, its not exactly like most other chronic illnesses. People do not choose to get cancer, or heart disease, or any other life changing illness, but after addiction takes hold of a persons brain, they no longer have that control over their addiction to cure it.

This is where, in my opinion, medical intervention takes place, and no Im not talking about giving the adddicted person more drugs in order for them to stop complaining and make the addict heal better for the day (if that), but to help them with their illness with medical advice and medical information, which were things in my personal case that dramatically helped me not only understand but to realize that there are medical explanations for the way I was feeling.

One of the things that I really want to say since I did kind of relate addiction to cancer is that IN NO WAY is cancer EVER a choice, and at the beginning of a persons addiction they ARE making a choice to injest, snort, shoot, etc the drug into their body. Yes I realize that the biggest difference between other major chonic illnesses and addiction is that most of those chronic illnessses the victim NEVER has any choice or control over ever obtaining that illness.

Anyway, although the addict does CHOOSE the choice at the beginning to start using drugs (even once), after that is a totally different ball game. Alot of people dont know that using prescription narcotics over a long period of time completely 100% changes the way your brain operates and commmunicates with the rest of your body. SO, long story short about that, your brain operates very differently and abusually with the longer you abuse drugs. So, it no longer becomes a choice for the addict, the addict now has to use in order to feel normal and avoid severe withdrawal and sickness.

Addiction is one of the most horrible things I have ever experienced and seen in my life, by far. It takes control of peoples lives and makes them into people they hate.
I have been the addict, but I have also been a loved one of an addict...and both of them are unbearable. Both people feel out of control completely, the addict feels out of control of his/her life, and the loved one feels helpless, extremely heartbroken, and hopeless. The loved one tries and tries to help the addict, but the truth of the matter is, no matter what ANYONE says to an addict about turning their life around and quitting using their substance of choice, IT HAS TO COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY 100% BE THE WANTING AND DESIRE OF THE ADDICT for the treatment to actually work.

I have people in my life right now who I am heartbroken for. I love these people with all that I am, and it breaks my heart to see them going down the wrong direction, not only because I love them, but because I know they could and would be so much happier and free if they would just let go of their addiction. But, when you are in the midst of your addiction, you cant see any of the good things that will happen once you give it up.

All I can do is give this situation to the Lord because its WAY too big for me. I cannot fix my loved one, I want to-but I cant. It has to come from within.

A Review of My First Clean Year

As most of you know by now, I used to be addicted to prescription medication. It started out legally actually, I had some kidney problems and alot of kidney stones, so my doctor started me on percocet in 2004. Well, things werent getting better, but not getting worse so I just continued to take the prescribed amount of medication when I needed it.

Well also as many of you know, 2005 was by far the worst year I have ever been through in my life thus far. My 6 year relationship ended which was very very hard on me, not to mention he got with another girl 2 DAYS after we broke things off, and continued to stay with her and get her pregnant. That basically changed me. I still had feelings for the guy, well atleast at the time I thought I did, so I was going through a very very hard time. The only thing that was really keeping me together was talking to my best friend since I was 13 years old named Nate on the phone every night for hours. We were both going through break ups at the time and really helped each other. We would seriously talk for hours and hours. He was definately my Rock. Well, 5 months after my big break-up on October 9, 2005 , my best friend Nate was tragically and suddenly killed by a drunk driver who was driving in the wrong direction down the freeway. So, in the matter of 5 months, I had not only lost what I thought at the time to be the "love of my life", but also my absolute best friend.

I was devastated to put it mildly, and I just wanted to escape from all the pain and hurt. Not to mention, when my ex found out that my best friend had past away suddenly, he all of a sudden wanted to be there for me again....which put such mixed feelings in my head. Anyway, when all of this happened I went to my doctor and told him everything that was going on, told him that I felt my body was all out of whack, that I couldnt eat, couldnt really sleep, and that my kidneys felt like they were about to just stop working because they hurt so much. My doctor felt extremely bad for me and UPPED my dosage of percocet....by ALOT. So that was the start of it. He had me on INSANES amount of pain medication for 3 years STRAIGHT.

Well, when he stopped giving it to me, I freaked out. I started getting it from other places, and my addiction just got worse. I never dealt with the pain of the breakup (and the feeling of being replaced by another woman so quickly) or the death of my closest best friend I had ever had.

Over the next 3 years my life became pretty lame. I dropped out of college, quit the job I had had and loved of almost 4 years, and pretty much did nothing for a while, except pop pills, which by then were my best friend. I know it sounds weird for people who have never had an addiction, but the pills for me were like a friend. I knew they would never leave me, and I knew they would always make me feel better.

Well, by 2008 I couldnt even stand who I was anymore. I hated myself for ruining relationships with pretty much anyone who had any meaning in my life, I hated myself for doing what I was doing, and most of all, I hated myself for who I was allowing myself to become. I was turning into a completely different person, and I hated the person I was turning into. It got to the point where I didnt even want to look at myself in the mirror because I hated myself so much. I knew the life I was leading was NOT AT ALL the life that I was supposed to be living. I knew that deep down inside of me was still a person who was supposed to do something with her life, to make a difference in the world (even just a little bit).

So, I made the decision on July 9, 2008 to change my life forever and say goodbye to my best friend at the time....pain killers. I knew I had to do it or I would hate myself forever, I would never be trusted by my family, and I would end up living the same old miserable, horrible, lonely, depressing life forever.....and I DID NOT want to live that way anymore.

Ever since the day I got clean on July 9,2008 I have changed into a completely different person, but I give no credit at all to myself, for I KNOW that only by the love and strength of God was I able to walk away from my addiction. I knew from that day that my life would never be the same again, I knew that I would NEVER EVER turn back, or even look back, at the pathetic life I used to live.

In this past year, I have honestly been able to experience pure happiness. Not the kind of short term euphoric happiness that comes from poisening your body with drugs, but TRUE REAL happiness that only comes from being at peace with yourself, your decisions, and the life you are choosing to lead. I have also gotten back something that I had missed for so long, INTEGRITY. You know, I realized you never realize how important personal integrity is until you have NONE. It feels good to know that I dont have anything to lie about anymore, I have no more secrets to hide. My life is now an open book and it feels really good.

Its like when I was released from the shackles of addiction, I felt this amazingly powerful FREE feeling that I had never felt before. I guess you never realize how much you long to be free until you are entangled and trapped in the throws of addiction. Its like a million pounds of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders and I could actually breathe freely again. It was an amazing feeling.

This past year has definately been great. I got my head straight, my heart mended, and my self worth back. Im not saying that getting clean is easy, the hardest part about getting clean was becoming honest with all my loved ones who I had hurt so bad.

I contacted every loved one and friend that I had ever hurt, betrayed, or ignored and apologized. I was completely honest, I told them the whole truth about my addiction and sincerely apologized for anything and everything I did to hurt them. It was hard because I could see the pain in their eyes, but it also felt so good to know that finally being honest with the people that I loved...and you know what. Every single person forgave me, and I have been continuously working on rebuilding those relationships again everyday over the past year.

The hardest people I had to talk to was my dad and my old best friend Jessica, who I feel is the closest friend I have ever had in my life. She is one of those friends that only come along like once in a lifetime, and I had and still have so much personal guilt for betraying and hurting her as much as I did....but I am working on mending that relationship. I dont know if we will ever really be friends again, but atleast I am doing something presently to atleast try to make one of the wrongs I did to her right. My dad told me that it was going to definately take a long time for him to trust me again, but I feel over this past year we have definately made alot of progress. In the beginning, I know he knew I was telling the truth about getting clean, but he still kept a very close eye on me. Now, I think he trusts me alot more than ever before. I think he knows that that part of my life is over, and I will never go back to it...and that feels really good.

Relationships, I have learned, are the most important part of a persons life, and without those relationships, you really dont have much. I know that building a relationship takes time, effort and work, but once you destroy that relationship I feel it takes TRIPLE the amount of time, effort and work to get the relationship back on track. I have told every single person who I have hurt and betrayed that I know it will take a long time for them to trust me and let me into their lives again, and thats okay with me. I know that I am a better person now, that I will never go back to the life I used to live, and all I have to do is work on myself and who I am becoming, and if I do that the others will see and eventually realize that they can trust me and let me back into their lives again. I mean dont get me wrong, I dont EVER think that I DESERVE to be let back into my hurt loved ones lives, but by their grace and love they have agreed to give me a second chance.

My relationships have definately gotten stronger over the last year with my family and friends. Also, ever since I got clean and completely seperated myself from the people I used to hang out with when I was living the wrong lifestyle....and you know what? God has blessed me with amazing NEW friends who love me and accept me for who I am, even knowing my past.

This past year was the first year of my new life, and I am so thankful for it. Without God, and his love, patience, guidence, strength, and grace I would definately not be standing here as I am today- a happy happy girl who is completely drug free. =)