School.

I havent blogged in a while and I thought I would take a minute to share my exciting news...I'm going back to school!! I am sooo very excited about this for a couple reasons: 1) I LOVE school...call me a dork but I love to learn! I love to sit in class and take notes, I love to read, I just love everything about it, and 2) I feel like I am actually doing something with my life (finally!)...I mean besides getting an Associates Degree in Arts and Science, and working in the restaurant business for years and years, there is not much I can say I have accomplished...and I desperately want to change that.
I have decided to become a Registered Nurse. Now, I know some peoples jaws just dropped because I plug my ears and shut my eyes whenever anyone around me even jokes about needing to throw up, but I really can do it! I mean, its just puke...its not gonna kill me. And, Im all good with blood and guts and needles, its just the puking that makes me a little grossed out. And I thought about it and not EVERY speciality in nursing requires you to be around puking people. I know during your school and training you have to do a rotation in almost every speciality, but after that I think I am going to plant myself in either Pediatrics, OB, Surgery, Psych, or the ICU. Or maybe once I get into the schooling and start to do my rotations I will find a speciality that I absolutely love. Plus, I talked with an old friend who is already an RN, and she said if you get burnt out on one speciality you can always switch to another one.
School wise, I have about 3 years until I will be completely finished and ready to take my board exams to get my lisense. I know it seems like a while, but I know it will be completely worth it. I know it will definately be challenging and time consuming but I am looking forward to it sooo much. To be honest, I really dont have much of a life right now besides working, so I have lots of time and energy to put towards my schooling. I am actually a very good student (atleast in the past)....I received an Academic Scholership when I applied and got accepted to PLU when I was planning on majoring in Psychology. I was part of the National Honor Society and the Deans List the entire time I went to Pierce while I was getting my AA. I graduated with Honors with a Cumulative GPA of 3.8 in 2005. I take great pride in my schoolwork, and I put everything I have into it. I am VERY excited for this new journey.
I have decided once I do graduate, I definately want to work in a hospital, preferably Tacoma General, Good Sam, St. Joes, or Allenmore. Or, if Harborview in Seattle offered me a job I would probably take it because its the best hospital in the state. People travel from Oregon and Alaska and a few other states to receive treatment at Harborview, so I think it would be very exciting to work there although I already know I will probably not ever have a desire to work in the Emergency Room at any hospital.
Anyway, wish me luck everyone! This is actually something I am proud of and I will follow thru with, I know I have dabbled in alot of career fields in the past couple years, but for some reason I just know I will end up being a Registered Nurse. I feel it in my bones. =)

Trouble.

You know, sometimes you just have to get something back to realize you were glad it was gone. I am the type of person who always has to learn lessons the hard way...I can never just be like, "Nope, thats not a good idea." Its more like, "Well, lets just try it and see if we get burned."

I have changed alot in the past few months, and I didnt realize it until Dorin came back into my life. I have standards now. I wont settle. I dont trust him and thats a deal breaker for me. Sorry dude. I have learned that no matter how much you want something to work, sometimes its just better to walk away from it. I have learned to trust my gut instinct. I have learned just how much I need the Lord, and that I dont want to live the way I used to.

I have had to make some mistakes in the past few weeks to make me realize that Im different now, and he's not....or maybe he is but the bottom line is he just isnt the one for me.

I finally get it.

"Whatever Move On"

Those were the only words I had to here to never want to talk to him again...I mean who would?...he breaks my heart, doesnt even let me say goodbye to him or his son, no closure, nothing, and just says "Whatever, Move on"...but then calls me and text me later that night more than once. Why the hell would I want to pick up the phone to someone who is SO disrespectful to me, I dont deserve to be talked to that way, but I needed to hear those nasy insesntive words anyway, so Im glad he said them. He answered every single question with that one statement...Im still hurting, but I will never allow HIM to hurt me again. He is a complete jerk right now, he is insensitive, a complete asshole, and everything in between.
I deserve better, and I will find better.
I've finally learned my lesson on this one. FINALLY. It only took 2 long relationships and alot of heartache that is not even over yet, but I know I will be just fine.
Girls, dont ever go for the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hide kind of guy, its just not worth it, and eventually he will just end up to being competely Dr. Jekyl (thats the bad one right?...lol). Seriously, guard your heart, go after what YOU want for YOUR life, and leave the rest to work itself out. Dont consume your life in anothers EVER. If the person isnt strong enough to lead his or her own life, then you should stay far far away from them anyway.

I believe in Karma, or better said, I dont think the Lord just lets you get away with hurting someone the way he hurt me.

Karmas a bitch dude, have fun dealing with it cause Ill be LONG gone.

Utah or Spokane here I come!! =)

While the Tears Flow, I will write.

And it hurts so much to know that he probably doesnt even care of even think of me. There are so many tears I have cried, but that doesnt matter, it wont change anything. I cant get him out of my damn head and its driving me crazy. I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss his kiss. Im already crying again.
I just dont understand. How could I have been so blind to not see that he was actually just using me? People have convinced me he had this all planned out, and it breaks my heart. I feel so stupid. And what sucks the most is even though he used me and doesnt give a shit about me...I fell in love with him, and thats not going away. Sometimes I feel like I will be okay, but other times I just feel like my world was just ruined and it will never be the same again. I will never even get to see him again....I cant believe that. He was my person.
I miss Tanner so much too. That little boy has my heart just as much as his dad. Whenever moms talk about their kids, I think about Tanner. It was so hard to have to say goodbye to him in the middle of a public library. To know that that was the last time I would ever see him was just so unbearable. After they left I covered my face and started to cry so hard right there in that computer chair. I thought that was going to be my future....but it turns out that he doesnt want me. But that doesnt mean that my feelings for him changed. I still wanted him.
I wish he would just call. But I know he wont. He doesnt care and I need to get that through my head.
I dont think he will EVER realize the impact this has had on me, this is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, even harder than my best friend suddenly passing away....because with that situation, Nate was taken away, Dorin just walked away. I have my good and bad days, and right now in this moment, I am actually being real and honest and not trying to pretend like Im fine, because Im not. How do you just stop loving and thinking about the man you wanted to spend your life with? And then your just thrown away. He got a job and needed need me anymore, so he waited until after his birthday, and left me...broken.

Im broken...I will never be the same....I know I will eventually heal...but right now...Im just going to let the tears fall.

About Him.

Well, when I was in the hospital, Dorin knew about it, he was sent a text message, not by me, but by a friend, and he NEVER text back or called to see how I was doing. It really REALLY hurt and it was kinda a huge reality check that he REALLY HONESTLY doesnt care about me AT ALL. Which when I truely think about, I can hardly wrap my mind around. I mean, we were together for 2 1/2 years, we had fun together, I loved him and I thought he loved me and in ONE DAY he completely changed my reality of not only him, but my own life.

But, his myspace songs are so depressing right now (yes, I know its bad but I still look at his myspace), and he NEVER used to put those kind of songs on there. I am thinking that he wants to be with Kristen and he is upset and depressed because she is still married about about to have a baby....so they probably cant really be together right now and thats probably where the sad songs are coming from (if the songs even mean anything). I know girls put songs on their pages that actually mean things to them, but Im not sure if guys do that to.

I dont know what to think. The only thing I have heard from him since he broke up with me and told me to "grow the fuck up and stop being so fucking needy", is the day that Jody and Tanner came up to me at the library and I started crying and telling Tanner that I loved and missed him every day. Im assuming Jody told Dorin because that same night he send me a text message at 10:30 pm that said "Hey I just wanted to say Im sorry for what I did to you and I hope you are doing good." I never responded. Whats the point? So, I can have false hope that he still loves me and realizes he made a mistake? Because the truth seriously probably is that he has already somewhat moved on with someone else, Im not saying he is full on committed, but I would bet alot of money that he has feelings for someone else....and that just breaks my heart and makes me feel like I never meant anything to him...and you know what...maybe even though that hurts to say, maybe its the God honest truth.

I'll never know I guess.

Having No closure SUCKS.

Some People....

Okay so I havent had any major medical problems since I got clean 15 months ago. No kidney stones, nothing. Well I had to go to the emergency room last night because I was having really bad stomach pains and my back was hurting too. I was proud of myself though because I told the Dr. and nurse right from the beginning that I used to be addicted to narcotic pain medication and I dont want any. To be honest though, it was a little tempting. It was the first time I think EVER that I went to the ER and didnt get the "good drugs". To know that they were only a room away, and a shot away, was a little tempting, but I got over that thought real quick. Plus, my Dr. wouldnt have given me anything like that anyway after I told him I have been clean for 15 months, he said he wouldnt want to "put all my hard work in jepordy". He was an awesome Dr., he listened to me, wasnt rushing, and even respected and took my idea to cancel the CAT scan he wanted to give me. I told him the reasons why I thought it was an unneccessary test for this situation, he told me I was being logical, and canceled the scan for me. I love it when Dr.s actually LISTEN to their patients wishes and dont just act like Gods with white jackets.

He took some blood work, which took 45 minutes and 4 nurses to find a vein that would give out any blood (they actually ended up having to use a vain in my boob...lol). I just have very small and stubborn veins. The blood work came back pretty much normal except that my hemoglobin level is low (which I have no idea what that means) and that Im slightly anemic. So, in the end, we just "figured" it was a kidney stone because he couldnt figure out why my stomach would hurt SO bad one minute, and then just stop. Completely intermintent.

But now that Im home, I KNOW I dont have a kidney stone. Im not sure whats going on with my stomach but its kinda scary because the pain is SO intense when it comes on.

I wrote about me having a kidney stone on facebook, and my old manager who just got fired wrote, "Do you ever feel good?", and I got so fucking pissed off. First of all, she barely knows me, she doesnt know my past, and this is the FIRST time I have been sick since she has known me. I just wrote her back and said "I dont know if you were trying to be funny or rude with your comment, but to answer your question YES I do normally feel good, Im just sick right now. EVERYONE gets sick sometimes." I just thought her comment was so insensitive and rude....I would NEVER say that to anyone.

At about 6 am this morning they finally said I was released, but they wouldnt let me drive because they had given me an xanax 5 HOURS BEFORE (it was ridiculous), so I had to try to find a ride....at 6am. I was just going to have one of my friends come to the ER and say "Yeah, Im taking her home"....and then I would just get in my car and drive home. Im not stupid, if I was really messed up I wouldnt have driven but I was completely FINE. So I started calling people. Some people, who some I werent even that close to, were to helpful, while a couple people who I consider my closer friends completely ignored me. It kind of made me realize who my real friends are and who would really go out of their way on 6am on a Saturday morning to help me. Alot of people didnt answer because they were sleeping but called me right when they woke up. It meant alot. My friend Nicole, who works in Sumner said she would stop by on her way to work, that meant alot. My friend Michelle said she would come all the way from Graham to help me, that meant alot. Brandy called me and apologized for not being awake, that meant alot. Melissa texted me and said that when she did talk to me she was so out of it and thought it was a dream (cause I did get ahold of her to pick me up but then my signal faded) and apologized, that meant alot. Shelby said she would have came and sat with me all night at the hospital, that meant alot. Once my best friend Lacey woke up, who lives in Utah, she immediately showed concern, that meant alot.

I dont like all this attention, I dont like to feel dependant on anyone for any kind of favor, but this morning I was seriously stuck. They eventually let me go because I said that someone was on their way to get me, and I had already been released for 2 hours so I think she just felt bad for me....because usually they have to watch you get into the other persons car, but she just handed me my paperwork and said to sit in the lobby until my friend got there. So I waited a few minutes, and then just walked to my car and drove away.

I can understand that they would be liable if something would have happened to me if they let me drive while I was messed up, but I was NOT messed up. They gave me 1 mg of xanax 5 hours before I was released, and Im prescribed 2 mgs a day by my Dr, and have for years. And I told them that, I showed them my prescription bottle. I told them I was fine, but they said I had to get a ride. Eventually though it worked out okay. I know their intentions were in the right place, they want to keep people safe.

So, thank you to everyone who has gone out of their way today with either a text message, phone call, email, etc, to wish me well wishes. I love that I have friends who I know will do anything for me if needed, which I think is awesome, because I would do the same for any one of those people too.

On the other hand, I also realized that some people dont really care....they act like they do, but when it comes down to it, they dont. It hurts, it sucks, but whatever. Atleast Im learning now instead of later down the road.

Learning to Make Myself Happy Alone

I have had a really good week. Of course I still miss Dorin, Tanner, and even Jody and Roger everyday, and seeing Tanner and Jody at the library was EXTREMELY hard, but besides that I am slowly starting to detach myself from Dorin and the thought of "us" all the time.

I have been hanging out with my friends alot, working, and getting ready to move into my own NEW room my dad is building for me. Im very excited about finally getting some privacy around here, because I know the days of me wanting to cry are not over, and now I can do it in private if need be. My room should be done in a couple days, and even though its not going to be huge or anything, I am going to decorate it and make it MY OWN. I havent had my OWN personal room in over a year....I mean I stayed in my brothers room when he was in Alaska working, but it was NEVER my room, I was just renting it out you could say....so its going to be really nice.

I've decided that I am more than likely going to stay in Graham and not move across the state or to Utah. I mean, I think that would really upset my dad for him to put all this time and effort into building me my own space and for me to say, "Well thanks dad but Im moving out in a week." I dont think that would go over too well.

I still havent been sleeping well which is very frustrating, I only slept for about 3 hours last night and I think Im going to take a nap when I am done writing this blog.

I have started to learn and understand that is is OKAY to talk and get emotional about the breakup because if I dont, where is all that emotion eventually going to go....its gonna have to come out some way or another, so why not just do it the healthy wat you know?

I have the most generous mom in the entire world. She took me shopping today and bought me a very expensive pair of jeans and this Ed Hardy perfume I have wanted for months, but she just didnt buy me the perfume, she bought me the biggest boexed set they had that came with EVERYTHING, even an Ed Hardy bracelet. She is the most giving person on this earth....I just cant believe what a big heart she has.

I got alot done today on my first day of my two days off. I hung out with Jessica and gave her alot of my old expensive clothes that most still had the tags on (no wonder I have to file for bankkruptcy!? and talked to her about Tanner and how much I miss him. I started to cry when I talked to her, I think its definately getting easier for me to open up about the situation, even though its so hard and painful. While I was at the mall today getting that stuff courtesy of my mom, I also got my Tiffany necklace and ring repolished for free, spent $15 on a cute hat and scarf from Payless, paid $40 to FINALLY get my ears peirced, and then spend like $80 at Sephora, my alltime favorite makeup store....its so easy to spend money there.

After I finally left the mall I went and got gas and some wine and went over to Shelbys house, it was so fun and plus I havent seen her since before she moved to California.....so overall it was an excellent day and night.

Tomorrow I am going to get some stuff done around the house, run some errands, hangout with my friend Megan and then going to a fun gitls night tonight. Its going to be so fun!!

The bottom line of all of this I just wrote is that I am purposely keeping yourself busy because not only does it take my mind off of Forin and Tanner but its just naturally good to me.

Okay well I really need to take a cat nap, I can barely keep my eyes open,