While the Tears Flow, I will write.

And it hurts so much to know that he probably doesnt even care of even think of me. There are so many tears I have cried, but that doesnt matter, it wont change anything. I cant get him out of my damn head and its driving me crazy. I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss his kiss. Im already crying again.
I just dont understand. How could I have been so blind to not see that he was actually just using me? People have convinced me he had this all planned out, and it breaks my heart. I feel so stupid. And what sucks the most is even though he used me and doesnt give a shit about me...I fell in love with him, and thats not going away. Sometimes I feel like I will be okay, but other times I just feel like my world was just ruined and it will never be the same again. I will never even get to see him again....I cant believe that. He was my person.
I miss Tanner so much too. That little boy has my heart just as much as his dad. Whenever moms talk about their kids, I think about Tanner. It was so hard to have to say goodbye to him in the middle of a public library. To know that that was the last time I would ever see him was just so unbearable. After they left I covered my face and started to cry so hard right there in that computer chair. I thought that was going to be my future....but it turns out that he doesnt want me. But that doesnt mean that my feelings for him changed. I still wanted him.
I wish he would just call. But I know he wont. He doesnt care and I need to get that through my head.
I dont think he will EVER realize the impact this has had on me, this is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, even harder than my best friend suddenly passing away....because with that situation, Nate was taken away, Dorin just walked away. I have my good and bad days, and right now in this moment, I am actually being real and honest and not trying to pretend like Im fine, because Im not. How do you just stop loving and thinking about the man you wanted to spend your life with? And then your just thrown away. He got a job and needed need me anymore, so he waited until after his birthday, and left me...broken.

Im broken...I will never be the same....I know I will eventually heal...but right now...Im just going to let the tears fall.

About Him.

Well, when I was in the hospital, Dorin knew about it, he was sent a text message, not by me, but by a friend, and he NEVER text back or called to see how I was doing. It really REALLY hurt and it was kinda a huge reality check that he REALLY HONESTLY doesnt care about me AT ALL. Which when I truely think about, I can hardly wrap my mind around. I mean, we were together for 2 1/2 years, we had fun together, I loved him and I thought he loved me and in ONE DAY he completely changed my reality of not only him, but my own life.

But, his myspace songs are so depressing right now (yes, I know its bad but I still look at his myspace), and he NEVER used to put those kind of songs on there. I am thinking that he wants to be with Kristen and he is upset and depressed because she is still married about about to have a baby....so they probably cant really be together right now and thats probably where the sad songs are coming from (if the songs even mean anything). I know girls put songs on their pages that actually mean things to them, but Im not sure if guys do that to.

I dont know what to think. The only thing I have heard from him since he broke up with me and told me to "grow the fuck up and stop being so fucking needy", is the day that Jody and Tanner came up to me at the library and I started crying and telling Tanner that I loved and missed him every day. Im assuming Jody told Dorin because that same night he send me a text message at 10:30 pm that said "Hey I just wanted to say Im sorry for what I did to you and I hope you are doing good." I never responded. Whats the point? So, I can have false hope that he still loves me and realizes he made a mistake? Because the truth seriously probably is that he has already somewhat moved on with someone else, Im not saying he is full on committed, but I would bet alot of money that he has feelings for someone else....and that just breaks my heart and makes me feel like I never meant anything to him...and you know what...maybe even though that hurts to say, maybe its the God honest truth.

I'll never know I guess.

Having No closure SUCKS.

Some People....

Okay so I havent had any major medical problems since I got clean 15 months ago. No kidney stones, nothing. Well I had to go to the emergency room last night because I was having really bad stomach pains and my back was hurting too. I was proud of myself though because I told the Dr. and nurse right from the beginning that I used to be addicted to narcotic pain medication and I dont want any. To be honest though, it was a little tempting. It was the first time I think EVER that I went to the ER and didnt get the "good drugs". To know that they were only a room away, and a shot away, was a little tempting, but I got over that thought real quick. Plus, my Dr. wouldnt have given me anything like that anyway after I told him I have been clean for 15 months, he said he wouldnt want to "put all my hard work in jepordy". He was an awesome Dr., he listened to me, wasnt rushing, and even respected and took my idea to cancel the CAT scan he wanted to give me. I told him the reasons why I thought it was an unneccessary test for this situation, he told me I was being logical, and canceled the scan for me. I love it when Dr.s actually LISTEN to their patients wishes and dont just act like Gods with white jackets.

He took some blood work, which took 45 minutes and 4 nurses to find a vein that would give out any blood (they actually ended up having to use a vain in my boob...lol). I just have very small and stubborn veins. The blood work came back pretty much normal except that my hemoglobin level is low (which I have no idea what that means) and that Im slightly anemic. So, in the end, we just "figured" it was a kidney stone because he couldnt figure out why my stomach would hurt SO bad one minute, and then just stop. Completely intermintent.

But now that Im home, I KNOW I dont have a kidney stone. Im not sure whats going on with my stomach but its kinda scary because the pain is SO intense when it comes on.

I wrote about me having a kidney stone on facebook, and my old manager who just got fired wrote, "Do you ever feel good?", and I got so fucking pissed off. First of all, she barely knows me, she doesnt know my past, and this is the FIRST time I have been sick since she has known me. I just wrote her back and said "I dont know if you were trying to be funny or rude with your comment, but to answer your question YES I do normally feel good, Im just sick right now. EVERYONE gets sick sometimes." I just thought her comment was so insensitive and rude....I would NEVER say that to anyone.

At about 6 am this morning they finally said I was released, but they wouldnt let me drive because they had given me an xanax 5 HOURS BEFORE (it was ridiculous), so I had to try to find a ride....at 6am. I was just going to have one of my friends come to the ER and say "Yeah, Im taking her home"....and then I would just get in my car and drive home. Im not stupid, if I was really messed up I wouldnt have driven but I was completely FINE. So I started calling people. Some people, who some I werent even that close to, were to helpful, while a couple people who I consider my closer friends completely ignored me. It kind of made me realize who my real friends are and who would really go out of their way on 6am on a Saturday morning to help me. Alot of people didnt answer because they were sleeping but called me right when they woke up. It meant alot. My friend Nicole, who works in Sumner said she would stop by on her way to work, that meant alot. My friend Michelle said she would come all the way from Graham to help me, that meant alot. Brandy called me and apologized for not being awake, that meant alot. Melissa texted me and said that when she did talk to me she was so out of it and thought it was a dream (cause I did get ahold of her to pick me up but then my signal faded) and apologized, that meant alot. Shelby said she would have came and sat with me all night at the hospital, that meant alot. Once my best friend Lacey woke up, who lives in Utah, she immediately showed concern, that meant alot.

I dont like all this attention, I dont like to feel dependant on anyone for any kind of favor, but this morning I was seriously stuck. They eventually let me go because I said that someone was on their way to get me, and I had already been released for 2 hours so I think she just felt bad for me....because usually they have to watch you get into the other persons car, but she just handed me my paperwork and said to sit in the lobby until my friend got there. So I waited a few minutes, and then just walked to my car and drove away.

I can understand that they would be liable if something would have happened to me if they let me drive while I was messed up, but I was NOT messed up. They gave me 1 mg of xanax 5 hours before I was released, and Im prescribed 2 mgs a day by my Dr, and have for years. And I told them that, I showed them my prescription bottle. I told them I was fine, but they said I had to get a ride. Eventually though it worked out okay. I know their intentions were in the right place, they want to keep people safe.

So, thank you to everyone who has gone out of their way today with either a text message, phone call, email, etc, to wish me well wishes. I love that I have friends who I know will do anything for me if needed, which I think is awesome, because I would do the same for any one of those people too.

On the other hand, I also realized that some people dont really care....they act like they do, but when it comes down to it, they dont. It hurts, it sucks, but whatever. Atleast Im learning now instead of later down the road.

Learning to Make Myself Happy Alone

I have had a really good week. Of course I still miss Dorin, Tanner, and even Jody and Roger everyday, and seeing Tanner and Jody at the library was EXTREMELY hard, but besides that I am slowly starting to detach myself from Dorin and the thought of "us" all the time.

I have been hanging out with my friends alot, working, and getting ready to move into my own NEW room my dad is building for me. Im very excited about finally getting some privacy around here, because I know the days of me wanting to cry are not over, and now I can do it in private if need be. My room should be done in a couple days, and even though its not going to be huge or anything, I am going to decorate it and make it MY OWN. I havent had my OWN personal room in over a year....I mean I stayed in my brothers room when he was in Alaska working, but it was NEVER my room, I was just renting it out you could say....so its going to be really nice.

I've decided that I am more than likely going to stay in Graham and not move across the state or to Utah. I mean, I think that would really upset my dad for him to put all this time and effort into building me my own space and for me to say, "Well thanks dad but Im moving out in a week." I dont think that would go over too well.

I still havent been sleeping well which is very frustrating, I only slept for about 3 hours last night and I think Im going to take a nap when I am done writing this blog.

I have started to learn and understand that is is OKAY to talk and get emotional about the breakup because if I dont, where is all that emotion eventually going to go....its gonna have to come out some way or another, so why not just do it the healthy wat you know?

I have the most generous mom in the entire world. She took me shopping today and bought me a very expensive pair of jeans and this Ed Hardy perfume I have wanted for months, but she just didnt buy me the perfume, she bought me the biggest boexed set they had that came with EVERYTHING, even an Ed Hardy bracelet. She is the most giving person on this earth....I just cant believe what a big heart she has.

I got alot done today on my first day of my two days off. I hung out with Jessica and gave her alot of my old expensive clothes that most still had the tags on (no wonder I have to file for bankkruptcy!? and talked to her about Tanner and how much I miss him. I started to cry when I talked to her, I think its definately getting easier for me to open up about the situation, even though its so hard and painful. While I was at the mall today getting that stuff courtesy of my mom, I also got my Tiffany necklace and ring repolished for free, spent $15 on a cute hat and scarf from Payless, paid $40 to FINALLY get my ears peirced, and then spend like $80 at Sephora, my alltime favorite makeup store....its so easy to spend money there.

After I finally left the mall I went and got gas and some wine and went over to Shelbys house, it was so fun and plus I havent seen her since before she moved to California.....so overall it was an excellent day and night.

Tomorrow I am going to get some stuff done around the house, run some errands, hangout with my friend Megan and then going to a fun gitls night tonight. Its going to be so fun!!

The bottom line of all of this I just wrote is that I am purposely keeping yourself busy because not only does it take my mind off of Forin and Tanner but its just naturally good to me.

Okay well I really need to take a cat nap, I can barely keep my eyes open,

Day by Day

I know things just dont happen on accident.

On Friday, I was at the Graham library using a computer, minding my own business when I get a tap on the shoulder. I just thought it was someone to wanted to know how long I was going to be using the computer (which now makes no sense because there were plenty of computers open), and I turn around, and there stands Jody and Tanner. To be honest, I dont even remember what I first said. I remember at first trying to just be generic to Tanner, but then he just gave me loves and kisses and I broke down and started to cry (not full on balling, but crying) right in front of both of them. I couldnt help it, it was a natural reaction I guess. I told Tanner how much I loved him and how much I missed him. Jody was extremely nice and said, "I was debating whether or not to come over here but I thought you would want to see Tanner." And I replied, "Yeah you probably shouldnt have, but its okay." The visit was short and we said goodbye. Once they walked away I turned my chair where they couldnt see my face and I buired my face in my hands and just lost it. Even the guy who was sitting two seats down from me asked me if I was okay. I couldnt even answer him.

Then my gutt reaction was, I need to get out of here RIGHT NOW. So, I hurried up and left (leaving behind my favorite sunglasses in my mad dash to leave). So, Im in the parking lot and I couldnt find my keys in my mess of a purse, so I set my purse on my trunk to look for them and I see that JOdys truck is about to drive right past me so I turn around so my back is facing her so she cant see my teary face. Once I got my keys and got into the car, I sat there for probably about 10 minutes and just finally let all the tears out that I had obviously been holding in for weeks. It was heartbreaking to see Tanner, and Jody too. I miss being apart of their family.

So, this was probably around noon that all this happened. At 10:30 at night I get a text message from Dorin (obviously he has lost all ability to act like an adult and actually call someone on the phone) and it said, "Hey I wanted to say Im sorry for what I did to you and I hope that you are doing good." I almost started laughing when I read that...and I almost wrote back, "Oh yeah DOrin Im doing freakin fantastic thats why I cry in the middle of freakin public libraries." But I didnt. I havent responded and I wont.

I know he text me to make HIMSELF feel better, not me. Oh and on top of all that, this all happened the same day as the 4 year anniversary of my best friend being killed by a drunk driver.

I am slowly realizing that I need to talk about the situation and my feelings, because if I dont, they will never go away. Its okay for me to be sad and heartbroken right now. I spent 2 1/2 years of my life not only loving someone that I thought I was going to marry, but also bonding to his precious little son...and in ONE DAY that was all violently ripped out of my life. No one could go through that with a smile on their face.

Other things are happening in my life right now with someone else, who I have no where near the feelings I Have for Dorin, but Im not going to discuss that right now because I dont know who reads this blog. I need to figure out how to put it on private so only the people I invite can read it.

Slowly but surely I am getting my smile back. Do I wish I could have spent the rest of my life loving Dorin and raising Tanner, absolutely. But, now that I know the truth about how he really felt about me, it makes it easier to move on. He used me and only kept me around because he didnt have a job and needed me for money, thats obvious to me now....and let me tell you, it doesnt feel good at all to be used by someone you thought genuinely loved you.

I made a fire out back last night (well actually my brother made it) and I burned the last thing I had from him, his letters to me. It was hard, and when I read them some of the things he said really made me laugh because its so obvious now that he never even meant it, so why the hell did he even waste the time and paper to form certain sentances that we complete lies? Anyway, I just laughed about it and threw them in the fire.

I now have NOTHING that reminds me of him. NOTHING. It took me years to get rid of Chris' memories, but thats because I was using my heart. This time I didnt let me heart get involved when I threw stuff away, I just thought to myself, "Well, I dont need this anymore." and into the garbage it went. It actually wasnt hard at all.

Who knows when I am going to have a day off again, but atleast I have my black leather couches and recliner back, so thats nice.

I am probably going to end up moving to Spokane in 6 to 9 months if I cant find a dependable good roomate around here that I already know. Plus if I move to Spokane, I can go to the library anytime I want and know that I wont have to see Tanner. LOL. =)

Baby Steps of Progress

Okay so honestly, I have handled this breakup completely different than any other breakup I have ever gone through. The first and only other major breakup I had (it was a 6 year relationship), it changed who I was, but I didnt really emotionally have to deal with it because I was so hopped up on pain killers that everything just kinda floated by, even though I was devestated. And, I wasnt so much hurt that we had broke up, but it was the fact that he got with someone else so quickly after our breakup. But, I got over it by talking about it, and talking some more about it, and crying about it, I let my emotions out, and that was how eventually I got over it (well, that and time was the main factor).

When Joe and I broke up (which we didnt date for very long, like 4 months), I was still on pills so I didnt really have to deal with that breakup either. It didnt really affect me much, I mean yeah it hurt, but not too much. Wasnt too big of deal.

I took some time off from dating, was fine with being single and I was actually enjoying it, and then in walks Dorin into my life. I fell for him immediately. I have always loved him. I have never JUST been his friend. We were very close our entire relationship...atleast I thought anyway. But, with the way he ended things, the things he said, they just cant be forgotton. The things he said to me hurt me so bad (and some of things he wasnt trying to hurt me, he was just telling me how he felt, and other times he was just straight up rude and nasty) that I dont think I could ever get over those things. He obviously had felt the way he did for a long time, because the things he said to me just dont develop overnight, like the fact that he said he thinks we are too different to be together now that we are clean, WELL we've been clean for 15 months, so I dont know why the hell he JUST told me that he felt that way. He said he felt like we were falling apart and that he wants certain things out of life, and I want other things. He thought we were moving in seperate directions, which I COMPLETELY disagree with. We were actually moving in the SAME direction, but whatever.

I have mixed emotions about him right now. Half of me is REALLY pissed off at him, I cant believe that he didnt tell me sooner how he felt. Was he just using me and stringing me along because he didnt have a job and I was supplying him with whatever he wanted? I THINK SO! And that just pisses me off so much! How could someone do that to another person? How can you just use someone until you dont need them anymore, and then just throw them away and break their heart, like they arent even a person with real emotions. It makes me think that he is such a selfish person. He waited only 10 days after his birthday to end things. I know why. He wanted his birthday presents because he knows that he gets whatever he wants from me for his birthday, and he did. Im pretty sure this was all planned out. He kept me around while he didnt have a job and needed me for things, but once he got a job and didnt need me as much financially as much anymore, I was just thrown away like trash. Is he so damn self-absorbed and selfish that he doesnt realize that Im an actual person too with feelings? Im assuming so. He doesnt give a shit that he hurt me, and thats the truth. Everything is about him, and as long as he is happy, thats all he cares about. Which actually proves alot to me, it proves that we probably felt differently about each other for a long time, that I was WAY more invested in our relationship than he EVER was, I was just the person in his life that he could use, and when he didnt need someone to use anymore, I was pushed aside.

Whatever, I did SO MUCH for that guy....I feel SO USED there are not even words to fully describe it. He doesnt think of me as a person, he thinks of me as an object who would give him whatever he wanted....and did he EVER shower me with gifts and money and whatever else?? HELL NO, not even once. And Im not bitter about that, Im really not, Im not one of those girls who needs presents and stuff, I just would like to feel a little bit of graditude for what I did for him over the 2 1/2 years we were together.

The other part of me is still the softie who thinks about him, wonders if he is okay, wonders if this really is the end, wonder if I will ever talk to him again, wonder that if this is the end if I will ever get any real closure. I mean seriously, the last things I ever heard from him is "You need to grow the fuck up and stop being so fucking needy." So yeah, not too much closure there.

I cant process all this right now. I havent cried, well except for the day when he said that to me, but ever since, I havent. My dad said to me last night that he knew I was going through a tough time, that Dorin was a dick and that I dont get to see his kid anymore, and thats all he needed to say and my eyes immediately filled with tears and I told him to stop talking about it and I walked out of the room and went into the bathroom to take a shower, just so I could be alone. I dont know why I cant just open up and talk and cry about this stuff....I guess Im just not there yet.

Im seriously again seriously considering moving to Spokane in about 6 to 9 months, or maybe even Utah. I dont know, there is NOTHING holding me here anymore, and I just feel like this is a time in my life where I need to live for ME and not worry about him anymore, but its really hard because my mind and heart really havent seperated me from him yet. I still worry and think about him, I miss him alot. And Tanner, I cant even really think or talk about him because my mind wont seriously let me. I think its just too fresh of a wound to try to deal with. You know when you have surgery and you have to rest and let your body re-coop and get better before you try to do your normal things again? Well, I guess Im still in the re-cooping stage. I still think about it everyday, but not constantly. I am trying to lead a somewhat normal life with friends, family, work ,and co-workers....and seriously all of those things have helped me alot not only keep my mind off of things, but also they have helped me to start the baby steps of opening up a tiny bit.

I have never ever not been able to talk about a breakup before. When Chris and I broke up I cried everyday and talked about the breakup constantly, and now, when people ask me ANYTHING about Dorin, I keep my answer short and then quickly change the subject. I dont like to talk about it because it makes me really sad, and more and more it makes it seem more real...and Im not sure Im ready to accept that its real yet.

I know I will get there one day....but Im going to take my time, not rush myself, and learn along the journey.