Thank the Lord my Life is No Longer Like This

Here are the lyrics I heard to a song by Rhianna right after I became clean. These lyrics really told my story of drug addiction. Read them and think about what your life would be like if your life was this song. It's called "Disturbia".

what's wrong with me?
why do i feel like this?
i'm going crazy now

no more gas in the rig
can't even get it started
nothing heard, nothing said
can't even speak about it
all my life on my head
don't want to think about it
feels like i'm going insane
yeah

it's a thief in the night
to come and grab you
it can creep up inside you
and consume you
a disease of the mind
it can control you
it's too close for comfort

throw on your break lights
we're in the city of wonder
ain't gonna play nice
watch out, you might just go under
better think twice
your train of thought will be altered
so if you must faulter be wise
your mind is in disturbia
it's like the darkness is the light
disturbia
am i scaring you tonight
your mind is in disturbia
ain't used to what you like
disturbia
disturbia

bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

faded pictures on the wall
it's like they talkin' to me
disconnectin' your call
your phone don't even ring
i gotta get out
or figure this shit out
it's too close for comfort


it's a thief in the night
to come and grab you
it can creep up inside you
and consume you
a disease of the mind
it can control you
i feel like a monster

throw on your break lights
we're in the city of wonder
ain't gonna play nice
watch out, you might just go under
better think twice
your train of thought will be altered
so if you must faulter be wise
your mind is in disturbia
it's like the darkness is the light
disturbia
am i scaring you tonight
your mind is in disturbia
ain't used to what you like
disturbia
disturbia

release me from this curse
i've been trying to maintain
but i'm struggling
you can't go, go, go
i think i'm going to oh, oh, oh

throw on your break lights
we're in the city of wonder
ain't gonna play nice
watch out, you might just go under
better think twice
your train of thought will be altered
so if you must faulter be wise
your mind is in disturbia
it's like the darkness is the light
disturbia
am i scaring you tonight
your mind is in disturbia
ain't used to what you like
disturbia
disturbia



You know, lately I have been thinking alot about where I was and what my life was like at this time last year, and it just makes me terribly sad and overwhelmingly rejiousful at the exact same time. I know that sounds weird but I am so sad I allowed by life to be like it was, but at so greatful that I am no longer living that kind of life whatsoever.

I think about the people I knew, the people I hung out with, and I really want to cry for them. The life I led was a very dark and lonely one, and I had people all around me. My best friend was my drug. Thats really all I thought about, all I really cared about, and all I did. My life seriously revolved around painkillers, and now that I think back with a clear head, it makes me cry.

I wasted so much precious time. Time that could have been spent in college, time spent maintaining and making new relationships with friends and loved ones. I just cannot believe it, I cannot believe I allowed my life to be like it was.

Now, like I said, I think about all those people that I used to know. I have not talked to a single one since I got clean because I refuse to for the sake of my sobriety. My heart aches for those people. If they could only see what I see now. If they could only see how life is so much better without the drug and the control of it. Life is so much more free. You can laugh, cry, and smile without having to be in a drug induced state. You can go out and have fun without having to be high. You can plan activities and actually look forward to them, instead of only looking forward to one thing-getting high. You can maintain a job and love it. You can look at yourself with so much more respect and integrity knowing that you threw your old dark life in the trash where it belongs. You can think about other things, you can actually have a life, and being on drugs, its just not possible.
If there was one thing I could tell everyone who has the same addiction that I had is that there IS hope, there is a life after the drug, and its a MUCH better life. I wish that everyone overcame drug addiction, but the sad fact is that alot of people die from the same actions I was taking on a daily basis.

I consider myself a miracle, because I know that alot of people never overcome the addiction that I had. It's so strong and so addicting that it seriously does take over your mind, BUT it really isn't as strong as YOU. I promise you that. And I can tell you that with all honesty because I have lived through it. I have been through the darkest of days with my addiction and I know how much it hurts, but now I have also seen that there is hope and life after getting clean.

For ANYONE who is reading this and just needs someone to talk to, please do not hesitate to contact me, you can even contact me anonsymously. And trust me, you will not shock me with anything you tell me, I have either done or had people in my life who took it to the absolute limits, so I promise you there is nothing I cannot try to help you deal with.

Staying Positive

Okay so I have thinking alot lately...mostly about my negative attitude about eveything, but mostly the Jody situation.

Bottom Line, I need to stop.

I have so many amazing blessings in my life, and I need to start focusing completely on them, and to be honest, although I complain about her alot, Jody is one of those blessings. She is a huge source of advice and support.

The past couple days have been awesome and I have decided to stop "competing" with her, and just try to make her happy, because even though her opinions might not mesh with mine, it always turns out to be a better situation when I just go with the flow and not fight it.

Dorin and I have decided that him, I, and Tanner will all wear Red instead of Green in our Christmas pictures, not because that is what Jody wants, but we went to like 3 different stores and they really didn't have many cute green shirts for neither Dorin, I or Tanner. Plus, Tanner and I already had red shirts we could wear in the picture so all we had to get was Dorins shirt, which we purchased tonight while Christmas shopping.

Dorin and I had a wonderful night tonight. We went Christmas shopping for a while and then came home and Tanner was already there because Jody picked him up from daycare. The poor little guy is still not feeling very well so he was very clingy...especially to me, which I didn't mind, but by the end of the night I felt like my arm was going to fall off from holding him for like 5 hours straight.

It was so sweet though, I could tell he was really tired at about 8pm but he was completely fighting it. So, I took him in Dorins room alone, and just held him standing up. He fussed for like 30 seconds and then he just put his head on my shoulder and I just rocked back and forth, rubbed his back, and sang him "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" (one of his favorite songs). No joke, Dorin came in about 1 minute later, and I immediately motioned to Dorin to not talk or anything (thinking that Tanner was not asleep yet, since it had only been MAYBE 1 minute since he laid his head on my shoulder) and Dorin came over to me, looked at Tanner, and said, "He's asleep." I was like, "Are you serious?!?!". I can't believe he fell asleep so fast, so I just layed him down in our bed and he has been sleeping ever since.

I love my family, I mean I know they are not my "official" family yet, but I consider Dorin and Tanner my family. They are the closest people to me, and the people that I am going to spend forever with, so to me, they are my family.

I am so blessed by being with such an amazingly supportive guy who puts up with all my complaints sometimes. He just listens, just like I need him to. I tell him and other people all the time that he was seriously "custom made" for me. And I seriously believe that. Also, I am also so blessed to be able to take part in raising the most amazing little boy God has ever created. He amazes me and cracks me up everyday, and I could never see my life without either him or Dorin again.

I'm so happy for my New Forever!

"Let Your Will be Done"

I have always been the biggest worry wort in the world...seriously. Anything that happens in my life or in a loved ones life I always think the absolute worst...and I really hate that about myself.

BUT for the last couple of years I have learned when I pray to ALWAYS say, "Lord, let Your will be done." Sometimes its really, really hard to say but I always do, because in the end I know His will is the best.

Tonight my dad got sick...and he is never sick. He woke up about two hours ago and started throwing up and he really doesn't feel good at all. As soon as I found out and saw him I lost my appetite (I was eating ice cream), not because I saw him vomit (because I didn't) but solely from nerves and anxiety. I thought the worst, like we might have to call 911 and something might seriously be wrong. I don't know why I immediately think of the worst result, but I always do.

Anyway, I have prayed to the Lord, "Let Your will be done." in other situations as well. For instance, I will pray to him about the issue, pray for a positive outcome, but end with "But Lord, just let Your will be done no matter what that is."

I have realized that sad and tragic things happen in life, and I have experienced and will experience more of these situations, but I know in my heart that those tragic and heartbreaking situations are going to be God's will because He is always in control, even when we think he is not.

It puts me at peace to know that even though this world is so big and has so many bigger problems than just the problems in my life, I have the security and assurance that He still loves me enough to know the number of hairs on my head and is with me in every situation, good and bad.

Trust in God, even when its hard, because in the end, He will be your absolute comfort.

Stroller Insanity!

Okay so seriously I am already getting really sick of having something negative to blog about everyday about Jody but this one tops the list for the month so I guess I should blog about it and get it out.

Well, I posted last night that Josy said she wouldnt watch Tanner today because she was going shopping...but she didn't. She just sat on her ass at home and did nothing...like usual.

Well, Dorin got off work early so I headed over there around 2pm. Well, when I got there I remembered that I needed to call JCPennys to make an appointment for Tanner, Dorin, and I to get our Christmas photos taken. Well, Dorin and I had decided that we would all wear a shade of green (instead of red, since everyone seems to wear red for Christmas pictures).

Well, Dorin and I were talking in the kitchen and Jody was in the living room sitting on her ass and she kept butting into our conversation saying, "Well, can I give you my opinion??!?!?" Well, why would she even ask that?? Even if we said "NO!" she would have anyway. Either way though, she tried to tell us what time to make the appointment, where to go, what day to go, and then came the clothing crisis.

Jody had bought Tanner this red plaid looking long-sleeved collered shirt a while back and I guess she bought it solely for him to get his Christmas pictures taken in. Well, like I said before, our theme was green and she had a bitch fit about that!! I don't understand that woman! I mean, she buys a shirt for her grandson and then just EXPECTS Dorin and I (who are paying for these pictures) to dress him in it for his pictures because SHE wants him to wear it??? I don't freakin' so. So, she was pissed about that but Dorin didn't give in.

I got really mad and as I was leaving go to hang out with Kristen for a little bit I told Dorin I was going to just call JCPennys back and tell them we will all be wearing red instead and he said, "No honey, you and I decided on green, who cares what she wants, she's not paying for the pictures!!". So I was happy about that.

Then I went over to Kristens for about an hour and a half. It turns out that Kristen had to take Tanner to the doctor today and found out that he has an ear infection (poor guy!). But when I was there he was totally acting like himself so I don't think it's hurting him much now that he is on antibiotics. Kristen, her mom, and I all talked about my frustrations with Jody and I kind of got some validation because they both agreed with me that she is overbearing and tries to be way too involved.

Anyway, after I left Kristens I went back to Dorins house and the SECOND I walked in Jody wanted to know everything. I told her I had to pee really quick...because I did!! When I was done I went into Dorins bedroom to change into pajama pants really quick and I was in the middle of shutting the door and she comes up again and said, "So, wahts the deal with Tanner!!??". And by this time I was annoyed because I had only been in the house less than 1 minute and she had already asked me TWICE. I said, "I was going to change my clothes really quick." And she got kind of pissy and said just said ,"Oh." and I just shut the door and changed.

When I was done, I went out to the living room/kitchen and told her and Dorin that Tanner had an ear infection and that the doctor also gave him a breathing treatment. I didn't go into detail because I didn't know much detail. And Jody asks me (in a very snotty tone), "Well, is he going to daycare tomorrow??!" And I said, "I don't know, I didn't ask." And I turned back to Dorin and was kind of tlaking to him about other things for like 2 seconds. And she just says, "Well I guess I will just have to call her myself!!!!!!" And she immediately goes to her room and SLAMS the door!! I just started laughing.

When she talked to Kristen she decided that she wants to take Tanner tomorrow. So she told Dorin that he needed to get Tanners stoller (by the way, the one MY mom got us) out of the studio, wipe it down (even though it wasnt dirty) and put it in the back of her truck for her. No please of course. Just demands. Well, Dorin wanted to watch the last bit of a show that was on and after 30 minutes Jody starts SCREAMING at Dorin that he has no respect for her and that he needs to find a new place to live soon because "this is our house". All because he didn't IMMEDIATELY follow her demands and go get the stroller.

First of all, my thoughts are doesn't she have legs that work?? Couldn't of she went out and got the stroller on her own?? And then to just completely overeact like that was completely uncalled for. I mean it was an all out screaming fest on her end. She said that Dorin doesn't respect her, and blah blah blah. ALL OVER A DAMN STROLLER!

And it's not like he was ignoring her and wasn't going to do it, he was planning on doing it for her, but she didn't need the stroller till TOMORROW morning so he thought he could atleast finish watching his show really quick.

Whatever. She is just a overeacting bitch! I have never seen a bigger drama queen.

Between the bitchfit about Tanners ugly Christmas shirt, the demand of information I didn't even have, and the complete blowup over NOTHING just proves what I have known all along...she is a psychotic, know it all, controlling bitch!

Actions Speak Louder than Words, Right??

This weekend when we had Tanner, he had a cough and by Sunday he really didn't feel good. We went to the store and bought him Childrens Tyenol Cough & Congestion (or something like that) but it didnt seem to help that much. Well, Kristen called me Monday night and told me that Tanners Daycare had called her at 9am (2 hours after she dropped him off) and told her that she needed to come and get him, that he had developed a fever, and that he couldn't return to daycare for 24 hours.

Well, I had to work today so I couldn't watch him (Kristen goes to college everyday), Dorin obviously has to work so he couldn't watch him, but Josy didn't have to work so I told Kristen to just call Jody, explain the situation, and that I was sure she would be more than happy to watch Tanner.

Well, by the time I got to Dorins house after he got off work, she told us that she wasn't going to watch Tanner because she wanted to go shopping with her friend. Oh my gosh!! Are you serious!!

She always says how Tanner should be number one on everyones priority list, and that he should always come first. Those are her words, but when push comes to shove her actions prove her motives differently in my opinion.

Even Dorins dad said, "Well, aren't you going to the mall Wednesday too?" and all she said was, "Yeah, but I want to go tomorrow too." Even her husband seemed confused.

Oh well, I have realized that I really am super negative when it comes to Jody. I pounce on anything she does wrong, and I know thats not good or healthy. I don't know why I have such a big problem with her, but I need to stop complaining.

I wrote this blog in order to get all these feelings out, but then I look at my friends blogspot sites and they are all positive and upbeat, and here I am just being frustated and complaining in most of all my posts.

Some of my Favorites!

Dinner and Dessert

Most of today was stressful. One of my absolute best friends is in town from Utah with her husband and 3 step children (who I hadn't met yet) for the Thanksgiving weekend. Well I have been working double shifts so much lately that I had to try to get someone to cover my night shift tonight so our families could have dinner and dessert together.

One of my wonderful co-workers said she would work for me if she did not get called in to work tonight, but of course she did get called in so I had to rush up to work and see if anyone would be willing to work a double (this is after calling everyone from work that I had programmed into my phone). Finally I convinced my co-worker Kristen to work a very short shift for me tonight, plus I agreed to pay her $40 for doing it since she really didn't want to.

Anyway, all that stress and that loss of $40 was completely worth it! I had such a great night with Lacey, her husband Josh, his 3 children Dallen, Brianna, and Kylee, Laceys parents, our mutual friend Laura, Dorin, Tanner and I. We had such an awesome time. We had very yummy spaghetti for dinner and then I brought chocolate cake and ice cream for dessert.

It was first and for most so amazing and awesome to see Lacey again, I haven't seen in her in over 2 years. Plus she just found out a few weeks ago that she and Josh are expecting their first child!! I am SO excited for them! Plus the thought of my little Lacey having a baby just brings tears to my eyes.

Tanner was of course shy at first, but he warmed up to everyone as usual. We all sat around and talked about everything and anything. I just can't express how NEEDED it was. I missed her so much, and I loved meeting Josh and the kids. I really like her hubby Josh too, he seems like a really awesome and personable guy...and he even got Dorin to talk which is a huge bonus for Josh because Dorin is really shy.

Right before we were getting ready to leave Lacey and I were talking inside and Josh and Dorin went outside for a little bit and talked guy talk. It made me so happy that Dorin talked guy talk to one of my best friends husbands!

On our way home Dorin even said that we wanted to go visit them sometime in the next year or so...and I was so happy and suprised by that! He and Josh I think share an interest in Jeeps, which can keep Dorin talking for hours.

Overall, I loved tonight and I just wish I could have spent more time with Lacey. I'm so happy though because she will be home again in the Spring for her baby shower...where I will probably buy her so many presents they probably won't even all fit in the car! =)

I will post pictures from tonight tomorrow. I accidentally left my camera in Tanners diaper bag at Dorins house.