Yes...that is me growling at the end of the title. That is how annoyed and angry I am about this subject. Let me just start with the backdrop. I met my boyfriend a little over a year and a half ago, and we have been together ever since. I love him immensly, and most of the time I really do think that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. My boyfriends name is Dorin. Dorin has a young son named Tanner, and he is an amazing father. Dorin has Tanner every weekend and sometimes during the week as well.
Well, due to some circumstances which had nothing to do with Dorin, I decided to move back in with my family this summer (Dorin and I were living together in a really nice house on a local lake). I will tell the story of why I moved back in with my family at another time since it's a whole other story of itself. Well when I decided to move, Dorin decided he would just move back in with his parents for a few months until I was ready to move out again.
This has seriously been the worst struggle of our relationship thus far. Not because we aren't living together anymore, but because he now lives with his mother again, and she is just way too much to handle.
First of all, she is one of those women who have to be involved in EVERYTHING. Nothing can happen without her wanting to know about it. She is definately a busybody. I should have known she was not normal when she decided to come with Dorin and I on our first date. Anyway, ever since Tanner has been in Dorins life, she has been unbearable. There was a time about 8 months ago where Dorin didn't have Tanner in his life much and Jody (Dorin's mother) would always complain and say that she "just wanted to be the grandma", but now that Dorin is super involved with Tanner she sure acts like she wants to be his damn mother! Nothing can happen with Tanner without her being involved. Tanner has to spend most of his time with "grandma" or she throws a fit. If Dorin does something with Tanner that she doesn't approve of (for example, taking him outside for a half an hour after he eats lunch instead of putting him immediately down for a nap) she yells and screams, "Ok yeah Dorin, YOUR MOTHER KNOWS NOTHING!!" As it turned out, Tanner had alot of fun outside with us after lunch, and contrary to what she thought, went right down for a nap when we came inside.
She always has to be right, her opinions are always voiced, and her recommendations better be followed or everyone in the house has to pay for it for days. Seriously, she is like a 15 year old girl. She always has to have her way, and she always has to get all the glory and get all the attention. For example, I mentioned about a month ago to Dorin (in front of her) that I wanted to get Tanner a bike for Christmas. Wow, was that a mistake. Less than a week later she bought Tanner a new bike and gave it to him (and made Dorin pay for half of it without even getting his approval first). Of course Tanner loved the new bike, which in the end is all that matters, but my point is that SHE is the one who had to get it for him. She had to get the glory.
Every single day when she is at work (which is only 2 days a week since she is extremely lazy and won't get up off her ass and get a job) and Dorin has Tanner she calls atleast once to see how everything is going. I mean seriously, does she not think that Tanner can't be taken care of without her there? Dorin is an excellent father as I said before, and it pisses me off that she constantly undermines him and gives him directions with Tanner. I mean, I wouldn't mind if it was every now and then, I can understand how grandparents like to be involved, but it's with everything! And I mean everything! She tells Dorin what time Tanner should have his bath, she tells Dorin what pajamas Tanner should wear, she tells Dorin that Tanner shouldn't get a bottle before bed anymore (for God sake, the kid is only 18 months old!).
Every single conversation Dorin and I have she includes herself in, even when NO ONE asked for her opinion or was even talking to her. If she is in earshot, she considers herself included. Even if the conversation has NOTHING to do with her or Tanner, she thinks we need her input. It's ridulous.
In the past couple of months Dorin and I have argued more than ever before. I even broke up with him for 2 weeks because I couldn't stand her anymore. I try to talk to him about how I feel about her, and he just defends her. He is an only child and I can understand that she is his mother, but come on! She is ridiculous! I try to express to him as nicely as possible how much she interferes, how demanding and overbearing she is, and how much I can't really stand it anymore without being rude to her. I even give him examples, but nothing helps. This is the most distant I have ever felt from Dorin, and the sole problem is his mother. I feel like if she would back off and just be a normally involved parent and grandparent we wouldn't have a problem at all. And I know that its not just all me or in my head because I have dated other guys before, and one guy I even dated for 6 years and NEVER once did I have a problem with his mother. I have never had a problem with any of my other boyfriends mothers. I think because they were NORMAL.
I feel like I am not only dating Dorin, but I am also dating her. Not only do I have to deal with Dorins feelings and opinions, I mostly have to deal with hers....because she has feelings and opinions about EVERYTHING- and she makes them very known to everyone!
Like I said, I broke up with Dorin a little over a month ago for 2 weeks, but I decided that I wanted to try to work things out. I came to the conclusion that she was not worth ruining my relationship with him over. I realized that I needed to stop making her matter so much, and just focus on my relationship with Dorin and how happy he makes me. Well, that lasted about 2-3 weeks and then I just exploded. She is unreal, and as the holidays are coming up she is just getting worse.
Also, Dorin and his mom have never really gotten along super well because she is always bitching and nagging him over one thing or another. He has told me many times that he has learned to just "tune her out" and "just ignore her". But lately, they have been getting along really, really well and that bugs the shit out of me. She is now more involved than ever because he ALLOWS her to be. He is always so nice and welcoming to her, and he doesn't see how that irritates me.
I know this is getting ridiculous and irrational on my end because I have been way too sentive over 2 situations lately. The first one came a week ago when Dorin and I were walking outside from his room and he past the living room where his mom was laying her lazy ass down like she does every late afternoon and he put 2 shells in her hand that he had found on a beach close to his jobsite. I asked him as soon as he got outside why he gave those shells to his mom and not me. And he used the excuse that those were just the broken ones that he found and that he had other ones at his jobsite that were better, but he had forgotten to bring them home for me.
The other situation occured just this weekend. Dorin was standing at the breakfast bar, and I was sitting right next to him. His mom was also standing at the breakfast bar only like 5 feet from him and he was reading the paper and he said, "Wow!, Woah!" about something he obviously read or saw in the paper. Well I was already irritated with him because of his mom situation so I ignored him expecting him to look up at me and tell me what he saw. Instead he turns to his mom and says, "Did you see this?" And starts talking to her about something. I immediately just got up and went to his room. He came in less than a minute later after me but didn't say anything.
I feel like I have to compete with her now for attention from Dorin, and sometimes Tanner too. It's really irritating. It's making me re-think if it was a good idea to get back together with him. He has told me multiple times that his mom is always going to be in his life, so I guess I just need to decide if I can put up with this forever. I mean, I know it will get somewhat better when we move out on our own again (she wasn't nearly this bad when Dorin and I were living on our own, but we also didn't have Tanner around nearly as much as we do now).
Am I settling? Should I have to fight to feel more important that a 25 year olds man mother?? Shouldn't he be transferring all his needs and securities from her to me since he says he wants to spend the rest of his life with me?? I can't keep having this same arguement with him, she always win. Will it be like this forever? Will I ever feel more important to him than her?
Any advice anyone???
