A Review of My First Clean Year

As most of you know by now, I used to be addicted to prescription medication. It started out legally actually, I had some kidney problems and alot of kidney stones, so my doctor started me on percocet in 2004. Well, things werent getting better, but not getting worse so I just continued to take the prescribed amount of medication when I needed it.

Well also as many of you know, 2005 was by far the worst year I have ever been through in my life thus far. My 6 year relationship ended which was very very hard on me, not to mention he got with another girl 2 DAYS after we broke things off, and continued to stay with her and get her pregnant. That basically changed me. I still had feelings for the guy, well atleast at the time I thought I did, so I was going through a very very hard time. The only thing that was really keeping me together was talking to my best friend since I was 13 years old named Nate on the phone every night for hours. We were both going through break ups at the time and really helped each other. We would seriously talk for hours and hours. He was definately my Rock. Well, 5 months after my big break-up on October 9, 2005 , my best friend Nate was tragically and suddenly killed by a drunk driver who was driving in the wrong direction down the freeway. So, in the matter of 5 months, I had not only lost what I thought at the time to be the "love of my life", but also my absolute best friend.

I was devastated to put it mildly, and I just wanted to escape from all the pain and hurt. Not to mention, when my ex found out that my best friend had past away suddenly, he all of a sudden wanted to be there for me again....which put such mixed feelings in my head. Anyway, when all of this happened I went to my doctor and told him everything that was going on, told him that I felt my body was all out of whack, that I couldnt eat, couldnt really sleep, and that my kidneys felt like they were about to just stop working because they hurt so much. My doctor felt extremely bad for me and UPPED my dosage of percocet....by ALOT. So that was the start of it. He had me on INSANES amount of pain medication for 3 years STRAIGHT.

Well, when he stopped giving it to me, I freaked out. I started getting it from other places, and my addiction just got worse. I never dealt with the pain of the breakup (and the feeling of being replaced by another woman so quickly) or the death of my closest best friend I had ever had.

Over the next 3 years my life became pretty lame. I dropped out of college, quit the job I had had and loved of almost 4 years, and pretty much did nothing for a while, except pop pills, which by then were my best friend. I know it sounds weird for people who have never had an addiction, but the pills for me were like a friend. I knew they would never leave me, and I knew they would always make me feel better.

Well, by 2008 I couldnt even stand who I was anymore. I hated myself for ruining relationships with pretty much anyone who had any meaning in my life, I hated myself for doing what I was doing, and most of all, I hated myself for who I was allowing myself to become. I was turning into a completely different person, and I hated the person I was turning into. It got to the point where I didnt even want to look at myself in the mirror because I hated myself so much. I knew the life I was leading was NOT AT ALL the life that I was supposed to be living. I knew that deep down inside of me was still a person who was supposed to do something with her life, to make a difference in the world (even just a little bit).

So, I made the decision on July 9, 2008 to change my life forever and say goodbye to my best friend at the time....pain killers. I knew I had to do it or I would hate myself forever, I would never be trusted by my family, and I would end up living the same old miserable, horrible, lonely, depressing life forever.....and I DID NOT want to live that way anymore.

Ever since the day I got clean on July 9,2008 I have changed into a completely different person, but I give no credit at all to myself, for I KNOW that only by the love and strength of God was I able to walk away from my addiction. I knew from that day that my life would never be the same again, I knew that I would NEVER EVER turn back, or even look back, at the pathetic life I used to live.

In this past year, I have honestly been able to experience pure happiness. Not the kind of short term euphoric happiness that comes from poisening your body with drugs, but TRUE REAL happiness that only comes from being at peace with yourself, your decisions, and the life you are choosing to lead. I have also gotten back something that I had missed for so long, INTEGRITY. You know, I realized you never realize how important personal integrity is until you have NONE. It feels good to know that I dont have anything to lie about anymore, I have no more secrets to hide. My life is now an open book and it feels really good.

Its like when I was released from the shackles of addiction, I felt this amazingly powerful FREE feeling that I had never felt before. I guess you never realize how much you long to be free until you are entangled and trapped in the throws of addiction. Its like a million pounds of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders and I could actually breathe freely again. It was an amazing feeling.

This past year has definately been great. I got my head straight, my heart mended, and my self worth back. Im not saying that getting clean is easy, the hardest part about getting clean was becoming honest with all my loved ones who I had hurt so bad.

I contacted every loved one and friend that I had ever hurt, betrayed, or ignored and apologized. I was completely honest, I told them the whole truth about my addiction and sincerely apologized for anything and everything I did to hurt them. It was hard because I could see the pain in their eyes, but it also felt so good to know that finally being honest with the people that I loved...and you know what. Every single person forgave me, and I have been continuously working on rebuilding those relationships again everyday over the past year.

The hardest people I had to talk to was my dad and my old best friend Jessica, who I feel is the closest friend I have ever had in my life. She is one of those friends that only come along like once in a lifetime, and I had and still have so much personal guilt for betraying and hurting her as much as I did....but I am working on mending that relationship. I dont know if we will ever really be friends again, but atleast I am doing something presently to atleast try to make one of the wrongs I did to her right. My dad told me that it was going to definately take a long time for him to trust me again, but I feel over this past year we have definately made alot of progress. In the beginning, I know he knew I was telling the truth about getting clean, but he still kept a very close eye on me. Now, I think he trusts me alot more than ever before. I think he knows that that part of my life is over, and I will never go back to it...and that feels really good.

Relationships, I have learned, are the most important part of a persons life, and without those relationships, you really dont have much. I know that building a relationship takes time, effort and work, but once you destroy that relationship I feel it takes TRIPLE the amount of time, effort and work to get the relationship back on track. I have told every single person who I have hurt and betrayed that I know it will take a long time for them to trust me and let me into their lives again, and thats okay with me. I know that I am a better person now, that I will never go back to the life I used to live, and all I have to do is work on myself and who I am becoming, and if I do that the others will see and eventually realize that they can trust me and let me back into their lives again. I mean dont get me wrong, I dont EVER think that I DESERVE to be let back into my hurt loved ones lives, but by their grace and love they have agreed to give me a second chance.

My relationships have definately gotten stronger over the last year with my family and friends. Also, ever since I got clean and completely seperated myself from the people I used to hang out with when I was living the wrong lifestyle....and you know what? God has blessed me with amazing NEW friends who love me and accept me for who I am, even knowing my past.

This past year was the first year of my new life, and I am so thankful for it. Without God, and his love, patience, guidence, strength, and grace I would definately not be standing here as I am today- a happy happy girl who is completely drug free. =)