Its Official.

Dorin and I have broken up...for good. It happened almost a week ago and his words were very unexpected and kinda shocking. I know that it will all be okay, but right now Im very numb....if I think about it for long enough right now sometimes I get a little angry because I feel like he has had to have these feelings to a while, and he never communicated them to me, just continued to obviously use me for money, whatever I would buy him, get him, etc.

Its funny because the day before we broke up I gave him this really sweet card and wrote in it. I dont even remember what I wrote now, and since he never took it out of my car after he read it (it must have meant SO much to him...lol), its in the trash...along with everything else.

Normally I dont get rid of memories...atleast not this quick...but this breakup is different. I KNOW that its the end, so why keep the memories, just so I can look at them and cry? No Thanks. I mean, why drag it out? Its over. For Good. Done. Over.

The things he said (actually text me, he wasnt even man enough, or respectful enough, to call me) when and after he broke up with me were so hurtful that I feel like he wasnt even the person that I thought I knew. Its like he was faking being this really sweet, loving guy who loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Oh well, too bad, so sad.

The hardest parts are going to be knowing that I am never going to talk to him, and mostly Tanner, again. Like, we arent going to be friends after a while like Chris and I are now....and were a couple months after our breakup after being together for 6 years. This is seriously worse than that was....mostly cause Im clean I think....I actually have to FEEL being numb, and I know after the numbness wears off I am going to have to feel whatever emotions arise. But dont worry people, Im not going to relapse. He is seriously not worth it.

In the end, I did and probably will still for a while, maybe even forever, have unconditional love for him...which means that I sincerely want him to be happy, even if thats not with me. Im serious. Its hard to say, but I really do mean it. I love him enough to just let him go, instead of trying to hang on to him and get him back, because I know that he is happier without me in his life...and honestly I WANT him to be happier without me in his life....I mean, if he wasnt and I wasnt, what would be the point of us breaking up right?

I know now that he is not the one for me, I hate saying that because it sounds so final....but its true. So, because I know that, I know that I will be okay, and eventually be happier without him. Right now though, not so much. I do feel some relief though, I dont know if that was because there was always so much I felt I had to take care when it came to Dorin and Tanner, or because there was always drama with Kristen, or just because I wasnt supposed to be living that life anyway, who knows....I know I dont right now.

I started to miss him today, but not enough to cry much. Like not even a tear...my eyes got teary but that was it. And before today, I havent cried at all since the last day I talked to him a couple days ago. So its not like Im just laying around crying all day, everyday. No. Im still doing the same things I was doing when we were together except all the stuff that included him and Tanner. Like I no longer have to write down everything that happens with Kristen...thats a big relief. Im still going to work, making friends at work, going to coffee and talking with all my friends, etc. Im not going to stop my life because he left me, if anything I am just more free to do whatever I want to do now...to GO wherever I want to go now. This is the first time in a very long time that I have nothing really holding me in Washington, or this location in Washington. I mean my family is here, but thats it. Oh and my friends, but I will always have both of those groups of people no matter where I go.

The only 2 long distance places I am thinking about moving to are Spokane, Wa and Utah. Other than that, the only place I am going to move is Enumclaw with my mom, or Gig Harbor with my friend Shelby. Not sure of anything yet.

Okay, well the news it out, send it to the presses.