Blah.

So the past couple days I have been in a horrible mood pretty much constantly, and I kind of know why but its like overtaking me.

I just dont understand why life works out the way it does sometimes...I mean, why the hell can't things just work out the way I want them to, then I will be happy and can live my life with a smile on my face. But right now, there is no smile.

I have been thinking alot, and I just dont think life is fair. Some of the most rude and selfish people get everything they want in life, and dont care who the hell they hurt in the process.

I wish I could have my best friend back. I wish things weren't so damn complicated. I wish SHE isn't who she is. I wish all feelings were respected. I wish selfishness didn't exist.

I dont know where to go from here. In my head, I think I made the right choice because I dont see how anything could have ever worked out, but now Im just this permantly pissed off girl who doesnt care about having anyone around her. Seriously, I am like shutting people out (over the last week or so)...and I have no idea why I'm doing it. Its like Im protecting myself from something, but I dont know what it is. One of the people I care about most in this world I just had to let go of...and it really sucks.

I seriously dont like anything about my life at this moment. I know this will pass, but right now, Im just pissed. Im pissed and sad.

Sorry this blog is so depressing, but its just how my life is right now.

Lots of Changes and Challenges

Well, its only been a few days since the breakup, but Im already to get a little sad. I KNOW I am going to miss such an amazing guy, I mean seriously who wouldnt miss a guy with a heart like Dorin? But its okay, Im expecting to be sad and lonely for a while, and Im okay with that.

I tried (and think I did) do the best thing for both of us by ending the relationship. He can now move on and someday (maybe soon or in the future)meet a girl who not only makes him happy and he loves, but fits into his family the way a girl should. Like I have said before, I want that for him. I wish that girl was me, but its not, and Im learning to be okay with that.

I recently got another job. I will be a bartender at a small bar in a small town, but I think it will be good for me. I know the owners and they are WONDERFUL people, and I also worked it out with Red Robin, so I wont be losing anything there by getting another job.

I'll be working days at the new bar, and nights at Red Robin. I think it will be good for me.

I have been thinking alot lately and I really need to start working on who I want to become. I know that I have come a long way already by getting and remaining clean for almost 8 months now, but there is more too it. I want to save up money, I want to get my own place or a place with a friend, and I REALLY want to get in a good place where I can go back to college and get the degree I have longed for for a long time. I am excited to work on myself. I'm excited to know that I will be doing everything in my power to become the person I want to be when I have a baby. I dont want to become a mother who is just a waitress and still lives at home with her dad.

When I meet a man (which I am not planning on doing for a couple years), I want to be proud of the person I tell him I am. I want to be accomplished, I want to have all my ducks in a row so that when I do meet the man I am going to marry, I dont have to worry about issues I should have already taken care of.

Its ME time. Dorin deserves better than the person I am right now, and who knows maybe my fairy tale will come true...maybe after I get my degree and am settled, we run into each other again.

But only the Lord knows the plans He has for me, and its about time I start listening to Him. I'm not going to waste any more time, its time I grow up and truly start listening to the One who created me.

Its Official.

I'm a single lady again.

In the end, I realized that no matter how much I loved Dorin, my love for him would not fix the problems that we had. When a girl is serious about spending the rest of her life with a man, its important that she fits in well with his family....and I CLEARLY do not, and never will. His mother loves him, and wants the best for him, and in her eyes, IM not that, so there would have always been problems.

I loved Dorin enough to know that this situation/our relationship is NOT the best for him, and I love him so much that I WANT the best for him, even if thats not with me. I want him to find a girl who not only he connects with and loves, but also gets along well with his mother and fits into his family well. I want that for him.

This is going to hurt for a while, and I know that. I know Im going to cry, be sad, and be lonely some days, but in the end I know Im making the right decision. And if Im not, well I will either have to deal with that for the rest of my life, or God will somehow make things work out. But, in my heart, I know that he deserves better than a girlfriend and mom who hate each other, with him stuck in the middle. I dont want that for him anymore.

I have never loved someone as strongly as I love Dorin, we have been through so much together, and conquered alot of it TOGETHER, as a team. But on this major family issue, we cant be a team....because that would require him making a choice between a family and life with me, or his family. And I dont want him to ever have to make him make that choice, its not fair to him.

I know in the end, he will find someone who is perfect for him, and to be honest, Im excited for that day, because I love him so much that I want nothing but absolute happiness, greatness, and love for him in his life.

Like I said, the next couple months are definately going to be rough, but sometimes when you love someone as much as I loved Dorin, you have to let them go to make sure they receive the best they deserve in life....and I wasnt that for him.

A Good Transition....Hopefully.

So, I know I havent blogged in a while, and Im sorry...especially to you Lacey. I know you like it when I blog.

Things have been rough lately. Really rough. Dorin and I have been staying at my dads house together but it hasnt been working out well. He has been unemployed for over 2 months now, and its really starting to frustrate me. There has been alot of tension and anger on my part...I feel like we need to be a team...and I feel like Im the only one doing anything. I mean, he is looking for a job, but not as hard as I think he should be looking.

I have decided that I think it would be best if he moved back in with his parents. I cant handle the burden of supporting him without having a bad attitude. I think he feels the same way. He has been at his parents for the last 2 days and it has been wonderful. I dont have to "take care" of him anymore, and its such a relief.

I dont know how things are going to turn out in the long run. His mother and I are still not speaking, nor do I EVER have the desire to have a relationship/friendship with her again. Its all just a big roller coaster with that woman. One day she loved me, the next she hates me, and I have just given up. I have expressed these feelings to Dorin, about me not ever wanting to have a close relationship with his mother again, and he hasnt really said anything about it.

So, in the end, I think RIGHT NOW there are just too many things stacked up against our relationship. Im not sure where it is going to go. I love Dorin, but Im not sure I can handle the drama of his mother and his sons mother forever.

I'll keep you posted.

Update.

Okay well I just wanted to update everyone on the past week.

Dorin and I are still doing great together, no new drama has started, but the old existing drama hasnt gotten any better either. Either way, we are happy to be together and are doing awesome as a couple.

Dorin and I havent gotten to see Tanner since before Christmas because of all this drama and chaos....but he is going to try to get him next weekend. He was going to try to get him this weekend but Dorin just got his wisdom teeth pulled out on Thursday so he is still recovering.

His recovery has gone pretty well. He isnt in too much pain and seems to be healing well so far.

Anyway, Im still just working away at Red Robin and Dorin is trying to find a new job since his boss is injured and he cant work. So...yeah thats where everything is right now.

Not the best, but things could definately be worse.

Doin' Great.

I don't have alot of time to blog since I am at the library (my computer is broken at home which is why I havent been blogging as much anymore).

As I wrote a few days ago, things arent good with Dorins mom, but this whole situation has made Dorin and my relationship SO much stronger. He told me the other night, "This relationship is only about me and you. No one else. As long as you and I are together, everything will be fine."

I think Dorin just finally "snapped" that night that his mom got in the middle of our conversation over the phone. He finally got fed up with her always in the middle of EVERYTHING that has to do with him, me, or Tanner. He told her exactly how he felt, his dad even agreed with him and backed him up, and all she said was that, "This is MY house and I can do whatever I want. If you dont like it you can leave." So he did, and seriously it was the best thing he ever could have done.

My family loves him, him and my dad get along so good, and now neither of us have to deal with his mom and her nosiness. My dads girlfriend Cheryl had to go into Jodys (Dorins mom) work yesterday (she works at Ace Hardware) to get something for my dad. Well, when she went up to the counter Jody rang her up. Jody didnt recongnize Cheryl but when she asked if she had an Ace Rewards card Cheryl said, "No but my boyfriend does, his name is Bob Herrett."

Well, right when Jody heard that she started asking Cheryl a million questions about us, how we are doing, if we had "told her about the situation", blah blah blah. Cheryl just said, "Oh they are doing so great!! We love having Dorin around, he is such a big help. And no, they havent told us about anything and we havent asked." (which isnt true, they know everything about what happened).

Cheryl could tell that Jody wanted to kind of "gossip" with her more but there was a line of people waiting by the time they got done talking, so Cheryl just left.

I am just so glad that Dorin and I dont have to deal with her anymore. We are so much happier...and we are so excited to move into our own house soon. My mom is looking into buying a house in either Graham, Orting, or Puyallup and then we will just rent to own from her.

Things are so much better since he has gotten away from that toxic woman, I just hope that one day everything can get worked out, but right now, Im happy with the way things are...and so is Dorin.

Times Are Changing

So, I know I have posted on here for a while and I apologize...things have been crazy around here. Alot has happened...the holidays weren't the best.

There is alot of drama right now with Dorins mom and Kristen (Tanners mom) against Dorin and I. Sometimes I feel like they are a team out to ruin our relationship...but it will never work.

Once again (a few days before Christmas) Kristen told Dorin that she had heard that we had broken up and told him that she still wanted to be with him. He told her that we were absolutely still together and that ONCE AGAIN he still has no feelings for her. Well, in addition to telling Dorin that, she also went to Jody (Dorins mom) and told her that I had went to Kristen and talked a whole bunch of trash about Jody...which is absolutely false.

So bottom line, Jody was/is really mad at me because she believes was Kristen has said, she talked trash about me to Dorin and pretty much told him that he shouldnt be with me anymore, and he FINALLY stood up for me and our relationship and told her to stay out of our business. He told her she is way too involved in every area of his life and that she needs to back off. Well she said, "Well this is MY house and I am going to do whatever I want. If you dont like it you can get out." So Dorin left.

This was December 23rd. He has been staying with me at my dads house for a little while, but my mom is in the process of buying a new house and we are going to rent it from her...so we are REALLY excited about that. We have only seen his parents once since this whole incident, which was Christmas night for dinner, and Jody did not say ONE word to either of us the entire night. We ate dinner (with some other people that were there also) and then everyone else left and Dorin, his parents and I all opened our presents to each other. She didnt say one word about anything that we got her...she just sat there silently and would occasionally say something to Dorins dad.

It was just super awkward. When we were going to leave Dorin, his dad, and I all said goodbye and thank you to each other, and Jody was laying on the couch and she didnt even look up at us and she mumbled, "Thanks."

So, thats it. Thats the story. Dorin hasnt even been able to see Tanner since before Christmas because of all of this drama. Its just ridiuculous.

Overall, Dorin and I are doing really well as a couple, this has only made us stronger together, but I hope that one day soon everything will get worked out.