Tanners 2nd Birthday Party!

Okay first of all, I just want to apologize that I dont have ANY pictures from his party, I figured out once I got to Dorins house that my camera was DEAD and my charger was at home, I got some pictures on my cell phone, but I have no idea how to put them on here...anyway, just wanted to clear that up.

Okay so at first, I wasnt even planning on going to this party because Jody and I have not seen each other or even spoken since Christmas....yeah so like 5 months ago. But, Dorin and I had at conversation the night before the party and he told me that I just needed to get over my fear/attitude and come to the party. So, I agreed.

I had to work all day that day (the party was at night) which kept my mind off of my nerves about going to the party. I had all these thoughts of me walking in and Jody yellling, "What the fuck are YOU doing here?? You werent invited!!"...and other great scenerios like that. But like I said, work helped keep my mind off of it.

I got off work an hour early because we had 3 people scheduled for that day/night and when the mid-day girl showed up we werent very busy so I just stocked a bunch of stuff, and then I left.

I was happy about that because I didnt want to have to rush to the party. I was planning on going to Target or Walmart and getting a cute little new shirt because we all know how much Jody intimidates me....and I thought I needed to look perfect...but it turned out that I just went home and changed, grabbed my camera (that I THOUGHT worked), and headed to the house.

Once I got there I parked and I saw that Dorin and Tanner were out in the front yard playing. And let me just say, it NEVER EVER gets old when I get out of my car, Tanner sees me, and RUNS FULL SPEED with a huge smile on his face into my arms. That almost made me cry because I just couldnt believe that my baby (well not MINE technically, but in my mind yes he is mine) is 2 years old already.

I spent the next hour or so playing with Tanner and Dorin in the front yard, chasing him, throwing Tanners tiny little football and either Dorin and I would tell Tanner to "GO LONG!" and he would just run and run all the way to the end of the yard sometimes, and then we would throw the ball....and Tanner just thought that was the funnest thing in the world.

OH and also, for some reason, Tanner was CONVINCED that he was turning THREE that day! It was hirlarius! Everytime you asked him how old he was turning today, he would say "Three." EVERY TIME. It was so cute and funny. I would try to correct him and correct him, but he was just convinced he is 3 now.

Then one of Dorins good friends Nick shows up, so that was nice. We all hung out in the yard for a while, oh and it was really funny, the second Nick showed up Jody went to the window (she was inside with all the adults) and said "Hi Nick!" (I had been there for like 45 minutes already with NO hello, but whatever, what can I except right?)

Anyway, then it was time to go inside and sing Happy Birthday and open presents (the party didnt start til 7pm so we didnt have dinner or anything). This is about the time when I started to feel uncomfortable. ALL of his family was there, which was fine, but Jody was orchastrating everything and asking people if they wanted something to drink or anything. She asked Nick and I together, "Do you guys want something to drink?" And we both said no. It was so funny, when Tanner was getting sung Happy Birthday to, he covered his face and was VERY shy...it reminded me of the stories I have heard of Dorin when he was younger....he was very shy as well.

Then everyone had cake, and I was in the playroom with the kids (Tanner and his cousins) and Jody came in and said, "Janine, do you want cake?" and I just said, "No Thank you."

Tanner opened his presents and he was obsessed with this T-Ball set that Dorin and I bought him, after he opened that, he didnt even want to open any of his other presents...but he did. Dorins cousin JoAnn got Tanner this blow up boat thing that comes with a bunch of little plastic balls, so its like you have a tiny ball pit in your house (you know, the ones they have at Chucky Cheese). He LOVED that too.

Then I realized I locked my keys in my car.....GREAT!! So, the party was pretty much over anyway but people were still socializing in the house, but Dorin and I went outside and it took him like 5 minutes to get my car unlocked. Well as soon as we came in, Jody said, "Dorin, Tanner has been looking for you." SO, of course I thought she was pissed at me, SO I decided to not be a little scared little girl in the corner, I went up to Jody and said, "IM really sorry we had to go outside, like the dork I am I locked my keys in my car and he was helping me get them out." And she said, "Oh its okay hun, Tanner just always wants to know where Daddy is." So, I just apologized again and walked away.

So overall, I think it went alot better than expected. I am hoping that one day Jody and I can have a good relationship, but Im not going to rush anything, and Im not going to get my hopes up, but overall it was a good start I think.

Anyway, sorry this was so long. I just cant believe my little monkey is 2 already (well in his head he is 3!)LOL. He is growing up so fast and I just wish there was a pause button I could push to keep him little for a little bit longer!

Things Are Going Well......

Well, I know I havent blogged in a while, but seriously there hasnt been much to blog about lately. I have been just working alot, which is good because I am actually saving up money, plus I am able to pay my bills, which is always nice.

My best friend Lacey was here this last weekend for her baby shower! It was so wonderful to see her. Everytime I see her I just wish she would just move back to Washington. She and I have so much fun together, and it seems like we laugh every 5 seconds together, and it always seems like we are the only 2 people in any room that thinks what we are talking about is funny....we just have an awesome connection like that. I know that she will be one of my best friends forever, and I just wish she lived closer! Her baby shower was really fun, and I got to see her 2 nights before her shower too for a couple hours. Her husband Josh came with her, and he is so cool too. He is super laid back but also super nice and friendly. I just love them!

Anyway, other than working and trying to help out around the house as much as possible since my dads girlfriend has a major knee injury and cant do any housework right now, I have seen Dorin the past couple weekends.

The first weekend we hung out we just went for a walk on the Orting Trail which is my absolute favorite place to take a walk, plus the weather here has been amazing so that makes it nicer. The first walk that we took we talked alot about the serious stuff that needed to be talked about. We got alot out in the open, we talked for a long time about alot of stuff...which was good.

Ever since we have been hanging out every couple days. When we first started hanging out again I thought he was hiding it from his parents that we were talking and hanging out again, but lately I have come to his house to pick him up, so I know his parents know now, even if they didnt know at first. And seriously, I have no idea how they feel about it...and right now I dont really care. I have come to the realization that the only person I can control in this world is MYSELF...and I need to stop worrying about how other people feel about me. I know that I am not perfect, but I know I am not a bad person either, so if some people cannot except me for who I am then I cannot control that and I refuse to worry about it anymore. As long as I know that I am being respectful, nice, and cheerful to everyone I come into connect with, then the rest is on them.

Anyway, Dorin and I have been working on alot of things. We have talked alot like I said, and right now we are just enjoying each others company. I mean dont get me wrong, I KNOW that there are issues in Dorins and my relationship, but the bottom line is that we love each other whole heartedly, and we want to end up together at the end of the day.

I have learned more now than ever before that life is short, and you need to make the most out of the life you are given. If you love someone and they treat you right, you should never take them forgranted and just "assume" that they are going to be there forever.

I have also learned that it doesnt matter about what other people think about our relationship (like Dorins mom and Kristen), Dorin and my relationship should only be about Dorin and myself...because we are the only two people in our relationship. As long as we love each other, respect each other, enjoy each others company, and mutually want to be in this relationship, no other persons opinions or problems matter because they are NOT in our relationship.

Dont get me wrong, I would love to get along with Jody and Kristen...and in a perfect world we would all get along. BUT this is NOT a perfect world we live in, and you have to roll with the punches. No relationship is perfect, but I have come to realize that the problems in Dorins and my relationship really NEVER had ANYTHING to do with Dorin or me....we never had problems with each other, it was/is always a third party who has a problem or causes drama that made the stresses in our relationship. It was always Kristen calling and telling lies and creating drama just because she wanted attention, or Jody not agreeing with the color of the shirt I was wearing that day (not being serious, but you know what I mean) that would lead to the stress between Dorin and me.

Right now we are making it a point to hang out ALONE for right now, I dont go over to his house while his parents are home, he doesnt come over to my house, we go somewhere and spend time alone together, just to strengthen US again....and its going beautifully. We both feel like we need to work on just becoming great friends and confidants again, strengthening our relationship and friendship, and frankly just enjoying each others company right now before we allow anyone else back into our life together.

Like I said, in a perfect world Jody, Kristen, and I would all get along, but that is not a priority for me anymore. I just keep reminding myself that my relationship and loyalty is to DORIN, not to his family. It would be nice if we could get along, but if we dont, Im not going to lose sleep over it anymore.

Funk.

So, as some of you probably know, I've definately been in a funk lately. I've been kind of withdrawn and quiet. And, I am sorry to my friends. I have never meant to hurt any of you, or ignore you. There is just this mood I haven't been able to shake lately.

Lately, all I want to do is be alone. I go to work, do my job, and go home. I pretty much have been hibernating in my room doing a whole lot of nothing. And, its starting to get really old.

I dont know, it just seems like when I first got off the painkillers I was so happy, I was my happy self again finally after a long time of supressing who I was. I was so happy to be off the drugs and know that I had overcome it. And, just in case any of you are wondering, I have never relapsed. I am still clean, and I will never go back, I know that. But, it seems like the excitement and happiness of overcoming my addiction has faded. I was excited and happy at the beginning because it was something that I had wanted to do for so long, and I have finally done it. But now, I'm not really excited about it anymore. The excitement has definately worn off (and to be expected I guess, I mean its been almost 9 months) and now being clean is just a part of life now. I guess the best way to describe it is that there really isn't that excitement and happiness anymore because being clean is just my life now.

And this funk I have been in has really made me realize why I started abusing painkillers in the first place. I started to get unhappy, about what, I really dont know, but I think the unhappiness and most of all BOREDOM brought me to the place where I started to abuse the painkillers. It was a thrill of the moment in the day, it was something to look forward to (as SAD as that is), it was something to break up the day. My addiction specialist that I have been going to since I became clean says that BOREDOM is a big reason why people use, and continue to use drugs and alcohol. As sad as it is, using the painkillers was something I looked forward to, and something I enjoyed doing because it made me feel SO happy and on top of the world. Which, is to be expected. Of course you are going to feel happy and on top of the world when your brain is altered with a substance that helps you release endorphins alot more and alot quicker than the body does NATURALLY.

Anyway, I guess it is kind of good that I went through this funk because I have learned alot about myself and why I started using in the first place.

I have realized that although sometimes I just feel like laying around all day and watching tv, I need to get up and do things. I need to get on with my life, I need to do things that make me happy and further my life and my happiness.

This process (getting clean), and everything it has brought with it (consequences and all) have really made me realize alot of things about life. First of all, how short life is and how foolish it is to waste time with such horrible behaviors and actions. I will NEVER be able to go back and get that time back that I wasted...and sometimes thats really hard to think about. But, on the bright side, I know that it could have been alot worse. Instead of getting clean at age 24, I could have continued that behavior for 20 more years, or even worse, I could have died without even making it to 30. You never know, what I was doing was dangerous and not healthy for my body, mind, and spirit at all....and seriously, there is only so much the human body can take before it gives up and shuts down.

I just thank God that He has given me this chance to get on with my life. I am going to start doing things that make me happy and bring me joy.

I cant wait for my best friend Lacey to come back next month for her baby shower, and then I am going to fly down there in July to see my little neice Royce once she makes her grand arrival.

Things are looking up....finally.

Blah.

So the past couple days I have been in a horrible mood pretty much constantly, and I kind of know why but its like overtaking me.

I just dont understand why life works out the way it does sometimes...I mean, why the hell can't things just work out the way I want them to, then I will be happy and can live my life with a smile on my face. But right now, there is no smile.

I have been thinking alot, and I just dont think life is fair. Some of the most rude and selfish people get everything they want in life, and dont care who the hell they hurt in the process.

I wish I could have my best friend back. I wish things weren't so damn complicated. I wish SHE isn't who she is. I wish all feelings were respected. I wish selfishness didn't exist.

I dont know where to go from here. In my head, I think I made the right choice because I dont see how anything could have ever worked out, but now Im just this permantly pissed off girl who doesnt care about having anyone around her. Seriously, I am like shutting people out (over the last week or so)...and I have no idea why I'm doing it. Its like Im protecting myself from something, but I dont know what it is. One of the people I care about most in this world I just had to let go of...and it really sucks.

I seriously dont like anything about my life at this moment. I know this will pass, but right now, Im just pissed. Im pissed and sad.

Sorry this blog is so depressing, but its just how my life is right now.

Lots of Changes and Challenges

Well, its only been a few days since the breakup, but Im already to get a little sad. I KNOW I am going to miss such an amazing guy, I mean seriously who wouldnt miss a guy with a heart like Dorin? But its okay, Im expecting to be sad and lonely for a while, and Im okay with that.

I tried (and think I did) do the best thing for both of us by ending the relationship. He can now move on and someday (maybe soon or in the future)meet a girl who not only makes him happy and he loves, but fits into his family the way a girl should. Like I have said before, I want that for him. I wish that girl was me, but its not, and Im learning to be okay with that.

I recently got another job. I will be a bartender at a small bar in a small town, but I think it will be good for me. I know the owners and they are WONDERFUL people, and I also worked it out with Red Robin, so I wont be losing anything there by getting another job.

I'll be working days at the new bar, and nights at Red Robin. I think it will be good for me.

I have been thinking alot lately and I really need to start working on who I want to become. I know that I have come a long way already by getting and remaining clean for almost 8 months now, but there is more too it. I want to save up money, I want to get my own place or a place with a friend, and I REALLY want to get in a good place where I can go back to college and get the degree I have longed for for a long time. I am excited to work on myself. I'm excited to know that I will be doing everything in my power to become the person I want to be when I have a baby. I dont want to become a mother who is just a waitress and still lives at home with her dad.

When I meet a man (which I am not planning on doing for a couple years), I want to be proud of the person I tell him I am. I want to be accomplished, I want to have all my ducks in a row so that when I do meet the man I am going to marry, I dont have to worry about issues I should have already taken care of.

Its ME time. Dorin deserves better than the person I am right now, and who knows maybe my fairy tale will come true...maybe after I get my degree and am settled, we run into each other again.

But only the Lord knows the plans He has for me, and its about time I start listening to Him. I'm not going to waste any more time, its time I grow up and truly start listening to the One who created me.

Its Official.

I'm a single lady again.

In the end, I realized that no matter how much I loved Dorin, my love for him would not fix the problems that we had. When a girl is serious about spending the rest of her life with a man, its important that she fits in well with his family....and I CLEARLY do not, and never will. His mother loves him, and wants the best for him, and in her eyes, IM not that, so there would have always been problems.

I loved Dorin enough to know that this situation/our relationship is NOT the best for him, and I love him so much that I WANT the best for him, even if thats not with me. I want him to find a girl who not only he connects with and loves, but also gets along well with his mother and fits into his family well. I want that for him.

This is going to hurt for a while, and I know that. I know Im going to cry, be sad, and be lonely some days, but in the end I know Im making the right decision. And if Im not, well I will either have to deal with that for the rest of my life, or God will somehow make things work out. But, in my heart, I know that he deserves better than a girlfriend and mom who hate each other, with him stuck in the middle. I dont want that for him anymore.

I have never loved someone as strongly as I love Dorin, we have been through so much together, and conquered alot of it TOGETHER, as a team. But on this major family issue, we cant be a team....because that would require him making a choice between a family and life with me, or his family. And I dont want him to ever have to make him make that choice, its not fair to him.

I know in the end, he will find someone who is perfect for him, and to be honest, Im excited for that day, because I love him so much that I want nothing but absolute happiness, greatness, and love for him in his life.

Like I said, the next couple months are definately going to be rough, but sometimes when you love someone as much as I loved Dorin, you have to let them go to make sure they receive the best they deserve in life....and I wasnt that for him.

A Good Transition....Hopefully.

So, I know I havent blogged in a while, and Im sorry...especially to you Lacey. I know you like it when I blog.

Things have been rough lately. Really rough. Dorin and I have been staying at my dads house together but it hasnt been working out well. He has been unemployed for over 2 months now, and its really starting to frustrate me. There has been alot of tension and anger on my part...I feel like we need to be a team...and I feel like Im the only one doing anything. I mean, he is looking for a job, but not as hard as I think he should be looking.

I have decided that I think it would be best if he moved back in with his parents. I cant handle the burden of supporting him without having a bad attitude. I think he feels the same way. He has been at his parents for the last 2 days and it has been wonderful. I dont have to "take care" of him anymore, and its such a relief.

I dont know how things are going to turn out in the long run. His mother and I are still not speaking, nor do I EVER have the desire to have a relationship/friendship with her again. Its all just a big roller coaster with that woman. One day she loved me, the next she hates me, and I have just given up. I have expressed these feelings to Dorin, about me not ever wanting to have a close relationship with his mother again, and he hasnt really said anything about it.

So, in the end, I think RIGHT NOW there are just too many things stacked up against our relationship. Im not sure where it is going to go. I love Dorin, but Im not sure I can handle the drama of his mother and his sons mother forever.

I'll keep you posted.