How........

Do you stop yourself from loving a child who is not biologically yours?

Do you try and seperate yourself from the situation between the father and mother when all that really matters is the child?

Do you try to now set boundaries now that you and the child are extremely attached to each other?


I am asking these questions because I have realized something over the past couple days. As most of you all know, I love Tanner more than anything in the entire world, and I would give my life for him in a heartbeat....but I have absolutely NO rights to him. I'm not his mother. I'm not even related to him. If something terrible happened (God Forbid!), the hospital wouldnt even be able to tell me anything about his condition. I guess it just really sucks to be so attacted and care so much for a child that is not yours. Yes, I know Im with Dorin and yes, we will probably one day end up getting married, but that doesnt give me anymore rights to Tanner.

I guess I just feel so protective because I WANT to be his mother. I want to be his mother because he deserves better than the one he has now. She doesnt care about him, she cares about the child support that comes along with him. She doesnt brush his teeth, she doesnt read him stories, she doesnt play outside with him for hours like I love to do. And you want to know why I know these things, because of the look on his face when I do these things with him. He is just a precious innocent little boy who needs security, protection, attention, and love.....and I do not feel that she gives him those these adequately. I mean, when Kristen comes to pick up Tanner while I am reading a book to him on the couch and he starts to scream and cry and hold on to me for dear life when he sees her, I get concerned.

Im not being conceited, but I KNOW that I treat him more like my son that she does. I know that him and I have a closer and securer relationship than Kristen and he have ever had, I mean, I spend atleast double the time with her son than she does.

She cant be a good mother when her main focus is money, personal attention, and drugs. She just cant.

The sad part is, she has no idea what she is missing out on. If she would just open her eyes and realize what she is doing she could be a good mom....I think. She is a VERY self-absorbed person....in her mind she comes before anyone else....even her own 2 year old son.

I hope that all this gets worked out soon before Tanner really starts to understand what is going on. I am hoping that by the time he can comprehend what family is, Dorin, him, and I will all be living together permantently and he will never have to wonder what having an unstable childhood is like.

Please pray for the situation. This child means the world to me....and I will do anything to make sure that he ends up in a safe, calm, and loving environment.

I know people say that blood is thicker than water, but I also think that water can be more pure and cleansing than bad blodd.

Big Suprise....NOT!

Oh my gosh....this is just getting ridiculus!!! Okay so Kristen dropped Tanner off last Tuesday (even though the plan was Dorin would get him on Thursday), she didnt call for a couple days (even though she said would pick Tanner back up Tuesday night-but then called again that night and said that she couldnt), called Friday to see how Tanner was doing (and I really dont understand WHY she does that...is she trying to convince herself she is a good mother by calling and checking on her son once a week?) and of course she complained some more to Jody about how much she still didnt "feel good" (which is code for, Im too lazy to take care of my son).

Well Saturday Kristens mom called us and told us that once again Kristen went back to the Emergency Room. Oh and just for the record, this is the 3rd time in LESS than a month. Seriously, there is NOTHING wrong with this bitch, she is just a pain pill whore who will fake any illness to get her hands on some pills....what a nice thing to do for a pregnant woman.

Well, she called on Sunday (the day she was supposed to pick Tanner up) and asked DOrin to keep Tanner another night. She never gave Dorin a reason and Dorin didnt even care if she gave him one....all she is is a big fat liar anyway. So she said she would pick Tanner up on Monday.

Well, Monday comes around and she calls again and says that she couldnt come get Tanner that day because she didnt feel good. Im not sure if she said when she would pick Tanner up again....if she ever does.

Kristens own mom called Dorin this week and thanked him for being such an amazing father and said that without Dorin in Tanners life, Tanners life would be hell with just Kristen. Wow, that must mean something coming from the bitchs own mom.

You know, this is just making me crazy! Does she not realize what she is missing out on by not being a mother to this precious little boy?? Does she not care?

In this month of May alone, Kristen has spent ONE full day with her son. ONE. And its the 19th! The only time she has come to pick up Tanner this month she went and dropped him off with her step sister.

DOnt worry though, things are going to change really soon. I cant say anything more about it, but good thingd are on the horizon.

So Much Going On!

You know, I am just going to TRY to keep this short. I just wanted to give everyone a little pudate on life.

Well, work is definately stressful. I dont feel respected with the comments my boss makes to me on a weekly basis. I am definately thinking about quitting, actually I am just waiting until the time is right, but I know that I wont be working there long. Its just too much stress for a little bartending job that I have to drive 60 miles round trip to get to (actaully around 80 miles when I have to go to my bosses house before, after, or even both for work atleast 3 times a week WITHOUT PAY. Whatever. I am going to quit last week but another bartender quit right when I was going to, so as the nice person that i am (sometimes I hate that about myself), I decided to not screw the boss over and stay....because if I would have quit to, he would have been left with just ONE bartender. Yeah, that wouldnt have worked at all.
The job is alot of stress, especially when my paychecks dont go through because there isnt enough money in the account. I mean dont get me wrong, I think that my female owner is super nice, but the male owner (they are married) is SUCH a jerk that i dont even know how to handle it anymore, plus I already have my dads blessing to quit...and thats coming from a man who has ALWAYS said, "Dont quit a job until you have found another one." But in this situation, he just thinks I am being respected, taken advantage of, and the icing on the cake for him was when my paycheck wouldnt clear and I had to call Brenda to straighten it out. Eventually I got my money, but it was already 4 days after I was originally supposed to get paid. Whatever/

Anyway. Things with Dorin and I are going wonderfully. We still have Tanner alot which is to be expected. Tanners biological mother is the worst mother I have ever seen in my life...seriously. She NEVER wants to spend time with him, she has full custody of him but cant keep him for more than a day and a half at a time. Just in the month of May Dorin has had him 12 days...and its only the 16. And during the 13-16 when KRisten had Tanner in her custody, she went and pawned him off on her step-sister so she could go have a ghetto "wedding" at the courthouse (you know, the SECOND time around since the first time then went to get married she found out that his "husband" was STILL MARRIED!!!) LOL...LOL...LOL....sorry that just makes me laugh my ass off. Anyway, so she picked Tanner up on Thrusday afternoon (after Dorin had Tanner for the last week straight), goes and drops him off with her sister on Friday, and then doesnt see him again until Sunday for mothers day. Then she calls on TUESDAY and says that ONCE AGAIN she has to go the hospital because she has something wrong with him....oh lord...here we go again. Her neverending "illnesses" in order to get painkillers....and shes pregnant! Nice mother, dont you think?!?! Anyway, even though she dropped Tanner off Tuesday morning (instead of Thursday as planned) she still hasnt called to let us know when she will pick up Tanner....big suprise.

YOu know, I just dont understand that bitch. I feel like I love her kid more than she does, NO I take that back, I KNOW I love her kid more than she does. She NEVER wants to spend time with him, she will make up ANY excuse in the book to get rid of him for weeks at a time, and yet she still has full custody. SHe is completely SCAMMING the state for money because of course, she loves to live off the state so she doesnt have to work. The state is giving her money to take care of a kid that she sees like MAYBE 2 days a week.....then she gives him to Dorin again to take care of for atleast a week.

I cant wait til all of this stuff is handled. I cant really say much more, but I seriously cant wait!

Oh yeah, and despite Kristens numerous tries to make me and Jody hate each other, once again it DIDNT WORK. We both know that Kristen is crazy and we both cant stand her. Jody has realized that Kristen is just a lying, HORRIBLE mother who doesnt give a shit about Tanner. But yeah, Jody and I are getting along better than ever...so I know Kristen is TRYING to be a homewrecker, but it aint workin.

Im not going anywhere!

So Much Going On!

Tanners 2nd Birthday Party!

Okay first of all, I just want to apologize that I dont have ANY pictures from his party, I figured out once I got to Dorins house that my camera was DEAD and my charger was at home, I got some pictures on my cell phone, but I have no idea how to put them on here...anyway, just wanted to clear that up.

Okay so at first, I wasnt even planning on going to this party because Jody and I have not seen each other or even spoken since Christmas....yeah so like 5 months ago. But, Dorin and I had at conversation the night before the party and he told me that I just needed to get over my fear/attitude and come to the party. So, I agreed.

I had to work all day that day (the party was at night) which kept my mind off of my nerves about going to the party. I had all these thoughts of me walking in and Jody yellling, "What the fuck are YOU doing here?? You werent invited!!"...and other great scenerios like that. But like I said, work helped keep my mind off of it.

I got off work an hour early because we had 3 people scheduled for that day/night and when the mid-day girl showed up we werent very busy so I just stocked a bunch of stuff, and then I left.

I was happy about that because I didnt want to have to rush to the party. I was planning on going to Target or Walmart and getting a cute little new shirt because we all know how much Jody intimidates me....and I thought I needed to look perfect...but it turned out that I just went home and changed, grabbed my camera (that I THOUGHT worked), and headed to the house.

Once I got there I parked and I saw that Dorin and Tanner were out in the front yard playing. And let me just say, it NEVER EVER gets old when I get out of my car, Tanner sees me, and RUNS FULL SPEED with a huge smile on his face into my arms. That almost made me cry because I just couldnt believe that my baby (well not MINE technically, but in my mind yes he is mine) is 2 years old already.

I spent the next hour or so playing with Tanner and Dorin in the front yard, chasing him, throwing Tanners tiny little football and either Dorin and I would tell Tanner to "GO LONG!" and he would just run and run all the way to the end of the yard sometimes, and then we would throw the ball....and Tanner just thought that was the funnest thing in the world.

OH and also, for some reason, Tanner was CONVINCED that he was turning THREE that day! It was hirlarius! Everytime you asked him how old he was turning today, he would say "Three." EVERY TIME. It was so cute and funny. I would try to correct him and correct him, but he was just convinced he is 3 now.

Then one of Dorins good friends Nick shows up, so that was nice. We all hung out in the yard for a while, oh and it was really funny, the second Nick showed up Jody went to the window (she was inside with all the adults) and said "Hi Nick!" (I had been there for like 45 minutes already with NO hello, but whatever, what can I except right?)

Anyway, then it was time to go inside and sing Happy Birthday and open presents (the party didnt start til 7pm so we didnt have dinner or anything). This is about the time when I started to feel uncomfortable. ALL of his family was there, which was fine, but Jody was orchastrating everything and asking people if they wanted something to drink or anything. She asked Nick and I together, "Do you guys want something to drink?" And we both said no. It was so funny, when Tanner was getting sung Happy Birthday to, he covered his face and was VERY shy...it reminded me of the stories I have heard of Dorin when he was younger....he was very shy as well.

Then everyone had cake, and I was in the playroom with the kids (Tanner and his cousins) and Jody came in and said, "Janine, do you want cake?" and I just said, "No Thank you."

Tanner opened his presents and he was obsessed with this T-Ball set that Dorin and I bought him, after he opened that, he didnt even want to open any of his other presents...but he did. Dorins cousin JoAnn got Tanner this blow up boat thing that comes with a bunch of little plastic balls, so its like you have a tiny ball pit in your house (you know, the ones they have at Chucky Cheese). He LOVED that too.

Then I realized I locked my keys in my car.....GREAT!! So, the party was pretty much over anyway but people were still socializing in the house, but Dorin and I went outside and it took him like 5 minutes to get my car unlocked. Well as soon as we came in, Jody said, "Dorin, Tanner has been looking for you." SO, of course I thought she was pissed at me, SO I decided to not be a little scared little girl in the corner, I went up to Jody and said, "IM really sorry we had to go outside, like the dork I am I locked my keys in my car and he was helping me get them out." And she said, "Oh its okay hun, Tanner just always wants to know where Daddy is." So, I just apologized again and walked away.

So overall, I think it went alot better than expected. I am hoping that one day Jody and I can have a good relationship, but Im not going to rush anything, and Im not going to get my hopes up, but overall it was a good start I think.

Anyway, sorry this was so long. I just cant believe my little monkey is 2 already (well in his head he is 3!)LOL. He is growing up so fast and I just wish there was a pause button I could push to keep him little for a little bit longer!

Things Are Going Well......

Well, I know I havent blogged in a while, but seriously there hasnt been much to blog about lately. I have been just working alot, which is good because I am actually saving up money, plus I am able to pay my bills, which is always nice.

My best friend Lacey was here this last weekend for her baby shower! It was so wonderful to see her. Everytime I see her I just wish she would just move back to Washington. She and I have so much fun together, and it seems like we laugh every 5 seconds together, and it always seems like we are the only 2 people in any room that thinks what we are talking about is funny....we just have an awesome connection like that. I know that she will be one of my best friends forever, and I just wish she lived closer! Her baby shower was really fun, and I got to see her 2 nights before her shower too for a couple hours. Her husband Josh came with her, and he is so cool too. He is super laid back but also super nice and friendly. I just love them!

Anyway, other than working and trying to help out around the house as much as possible since my dads girlfriend has a major knee injury and cant do any housework right now, I have seen Dorin the past couple weekends.

The first weekend we hung out we just went for a walk on the Orting Trail which is my absolute favorite place to take a walk, plus the weather here has been amazing so that makes it nicer. The first walk that we took we talked alot about the serious stuff that needed to be talked about. We got alot out in the open, we talked for a long time about alot of stuff...which was good.

Ever since we have been hanging out every couple days. When we first started hanging out again I thought he was hiding it from his parents that we were talking and hanging out again, but lately I have come to his house to pick him up, so I know his parents know now, even if they didnt know at first. And seriously, I have no idea how they feel about it...and right now I dont really care. I have come to the realization that the only person I can control in this world is MYSELF...and I need to stop worrying about how other people feel about me. I know that I am not perfect, but I know I am not a bad person either, so if some people cannot except me for who I am then I cannot control that and I refuse to worry about it anymore. As long as I know that I am being respectful, nice, and cheerful to everyone I come into connect with, then the rest is on them.

Anyway, Dorin and I have been working on alot of things. We have talked alot like I said, and right now we are just enjoying each others company. I mean dont get me wrong, I KNOW that there are issues in Dorins and my relationship, but the bottom line is that we love each other whole heartedly, and we want to end up together at the end of the day.

I have learned more now than ever before that life is short, and you need to make the most out of the life you are given. If you love someone and they treat you right, you should never take them forgranted and just "assume" that they are going to be there forever.

I have also learned that it doesnt matter about what other people think about our relationship (like Dorins mom and Kristen), Dorin and my relationship should only be about Dorin and myself...because we are the only two people in our relationship. As long as we love each other, respect each other, enjoy each others company, and mutually want to be in this relationship, no other persons opinions or problems matter because they are NOT in our relationship.

Dont get me wrong, I would love to get along with Jody and Kristen...and in a perfect world we would all get along. BUT this is NOT a perfect world we live in, and you have to roll with the punches. No relationship is perfect, but I have come to realize that the problems in Dorins and my relationship really NEVER had ANYTHING to do with Dorin or me....we never had problems with each other, it was/is always a third party who has a problem or causes drama that made the stresses in our relationship. It was always Kristen calling and telling lies and creating drama just because she wanted attention, or Jody not agreeing with the color of the shirt I was wearing that day (not being serious, but you know what I mean) that would lead to the stress between Dorin and me.

Right now we are making it a point to hang out ALONE for right now, I dont go over to his house while his parents are home, he doesnt come over to my house, we go somewhere and spend time alone together, just to strengthen US again....and its going beautifully. We both feel like we need to work on just becoming great friends and confidants again, strengthening our relationship and friendship, and frankly just enjoying each others company right now before we allow anyone else back into our life together.

Like I said, in a perfect world Jody, Kristen, and I would all get along, but that is not a priority for me anymore. I just keep reminding myself that my relationship and loyalty is to DORIN, not to his family. It would be nice if we could get along, but if we dont, Im not going to lose sleep over it anymore.

Funk.

So, as some of you probably know, I've definately been in a funk lately. I've been kind of withdrawn and quiet. And, I am sorry to my friends. I have never meant to hurt any of you, or ignore you. There is just this mood I haven't been able to shake lately.

Lately, all I want to do is be alone. I go to work, do my job, and go home. I pretty much have been hibernating in my room doing a whole lot of nothing. And, its starting to get really old.

I dont know, it just seems like when I first got off the painkillers I was so happy, I was my happy self again finally after a long time of supressing who I was. I was so happy to be off the drugs and know that I had overcome it. And, just in case any of you are wondering, I have never relapsed. I am still clean, and I will never go back, I know that. But, it seems like the excitement and happiness of overcoming my addiction has faded. I was excited and happy at the beginning because it was something that I had wanted to do for so long, and I have finally done it. But now, I'm not really excited about it anymore. The excitement has definately worn off (and to be expected I guess, I mean its been almost 9 months) and now being clean is just a part of life now. I guess the best way to describe it is that there really isn't that excitement and happiness anymore because being clean is just my life now.

And this funk I have been in has really made me realize why I started abusing painkillers in the first place. I started to get unhappy, about what, I really dont know, but I think the unhappiness and most of all BOREDOM brought me to the place where I started to abuse the painkillers. It was a thrill of the moment in the day, it was something to look forward to (as SAD as that is), it was something to break up the day. My addiction specialist that I have been going to since I became clean says that BOREDOM is a big reason why people use, and continue to use drugs and alcohol. As sad as it is, using the painkillers was something I looked forward to, and something I enjoyed doing because it made me feel SO happy and on top of the world. Which, is to be expected. Of course you are going to feel happy and on top of the world when your brain is altered with a substance that helps you release endorphins alot more and alot quicker than the body does NATURALLY.

Anyway, I guess it is kind of good that I went through this funk because I have learned alot about myself and why I started using in the first place.

I have realized that although sometimes I just feel like laying around all day and watching tv, I need to get up and do things. I need to get on with my life, I need to do things that make me happy and further my life and my happiness.

This process (getting clean), and everything it has brought with it (consequences and all) have really made me realize alot of things about life. First of all, how short life is and how foolish it is to waste time with such horrible behaviors and actions. I will NEVER be able to go back and get that time back that I wasted...and sometimes thats really hard to think about. But, on the bright side, I know that it could have been alot worse. Instead of getting clean at age 24, I could have continued that behavior for 20 more years, or even worse, I could have died without even making it to 30. You never know, what I was doing was dangerous and not healthy for my body, mind, and spirit at all....and seriously, there is only so much the human body can take before it gives up and shuts down.

I just thank God that He has given me this chance to get on with my life. I am going to start doing things that make me happy and bring me joy.

I cant wait for my best friend Lacey to come back next month for her baby shower, and then I am going to fly down there in July to see my little neice Royce once she makes her grand arrival.

Things are looking up....finally.