Again and Again

Wow, I know I have said this a million times but the drama with Tanners mom will NEVER stop! Dorin has had Tanner 19 out of the 25 days this month already and she isnt picking him up until Sunday. Apparently she is so addicted to drama that she married someone just as crazy as her. I have been on cordial speaking terms with Kristen starting on Fathers Day.

She called and Dorin was outside, I asked if she wanted to talk to him and she said no she just wanted to see how Tanner was doing and told me that she would just pick Tanner up the next day (instead of that day) because it was Fathers Day. So, while she is saying this stuff, her wonderful husband is yelling in the background, "Why dont you wish Dorin a happy fucking Fathers Day?!?!?" She told him to shut up and that she wasnt even talking to Dorin, she was talking to me. He continued to yell at her and call her a slut and a whore, stuff like that. They were fighting the entire time we were on the phone. She told me that they were getting a divorce because she was sick of his shit. But, she has said that a million times and it never happens.

So, yesterday she has a doctors appointment for the baby. Her doctor told her that the baby isnt growing anymore and is too small. I guess he said it could be due to all the stress of having a wonderful husband who calls you names like that. Oh yeah, and she probably conveniently forgot to tell her doctor that she is still smoking. Anyway, on the way home James was calling her all kinds of nasty names and accused her of trying to kill the baby. Oh, and Kristen wasnt even "allowed" to call and ask Dorin if he could keep Tanner overnight because of all the drama with the baby because James wouldnt allow her to. She had to call her mom, and her mom had to call Dorin and tell him. Her mom also said that Kristen should have NEVER married him, that he is crazy, and that he should NEVER be aloud to be left alone with Tanner...which scares the shit out of me. He just said he would keep Tanner until Sunday.

I have no idea why a woman would marry, and continue to stay married to a man who wont even allow her to TALK AT ALL to the father of her 2 year old child. He checks her phone records, yesterday when we went to get Tanner from her house before her doctors appointment he stood on the porch and watched the exchange between me and Kristen, Dorin didnt even talk to Kristen but James was still right there watching. I said Hi to her and told her she looked cute in the shirt she was wearing. She said, "Yeah Right." Then she said, "Well, I should go so I dont get in trouble." So she said bye to Tanner and went back inside.

Its all just ridiculous. In some ways I think she is more sane than he is. He seems crazy. Oh and another comment she made to me when we were talking on the phone on Fathers day and they were fighting is, "Oh my gosh Janine, if I wasnt pregnant right now I would be so messed up." (Talking about drugs). And I thought, well thats great, YOU STILL HAVE A 2 YEAR OLD CHILD but if you werent pregnant you would get messed up on drugs because of your stress?? What about Tanner???

Anyway, I hope that things calm down, but they wont...like Jody said the other day, things are going to get worse before they get better.

Other than that, things are good with me. Dorin and I are wonderful. We are focused on Tanner but are trying to make more special time for just us. We know that its important to keep our relationship strong not only for us, but for Tanner. He needs the stability from us, because he obviously isnt getting it when he is at his moms. I cant even imagine what he sees and hears when he is in her care. Its not like they scream and yell at each other and fight all the time ONLY when Tanner isnt there. Yeah right.

Im taking a flagger certification course on Saturday so hopefully I can get a different job. My hours got cut at work and I need a more full time job. Plus, Im going back to school in September and Im really excited about that. This next year I am going to try to save as much money as possible because starting in September of 2010 I am going to be in school full time for two years....then Ill have my degree.

Anyway, Im going to bed. Im tired.

Are We or Aren't We??

Okay so today was a pretty good day. I shopped with Jody, Dorin, and Tanner and had some fun. It was nice.

Anyway, my dad was talking to me last night about how he is going to retire in like 4 years and he wants me to take over the house...the only things I would have to pay is the property taxes, electric, and whatever else (no morgage though, its paid off). The total per month would probably be like $300 each month for a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house. Not to mention, I LOVE this house, its the house I have grown up most of my life in and I really consider it HOME.

Anyway, he said I would need a guy to live here with me to do the outside work (we have 2 acres), clean the gutters, and just keep the outside nice. I mentioned Dorin and he said, "Yeah, but this isnt going to be for like 3-4 years." Its like he didnt know if I would even be with Dorin then.

Then I had the same conversation with Jody tonight and when I mentioned that it was 3 years away she made some kind of comment about whether or not Dorin and I would even be together then. It just kind of sucks.

It seems like our parents believe we will not end up together, and maybe they are right, but atleast dont be rude about it.

Dorin STILL isnt working and I really cant handle it much longer. His motivation to work is like ZERO. His constant excuses are that "the economy is bad" and "My lisense is suspended because Im behind on my child support, how would I get to work?"....blah, blah, blah.

In my mind, if you want a job bad enough, you do whatever it takes to get a job....but obviously he is not in that frame of mind.

Personally, I am happy with the way my life is going. Ive been clean for almost a full year now, I have alot of savings, Im about to get a checking account again, I am planning on getting a one bedroom appartment in October once my brother gets home from Alaska (because Im not sleeping on my dads couch again). In my mind, I will do anything to continue to make money in order to fulfill my plans and dreams. Im going back to school, etc. Dorin is OBVIOUSLY not on the same page.

I am thinking about my FUTURE....I dont see how Dorin can be thinking and PLANNING for the future at all with how he is acting.

Whatever. I have no idea, with the way things are going right now, if we will still be together when I move back into this house as my OWN....but if we arent together, Im sure I can find a male roommate to help out with the yarkwork and stuff.

Lots Going On!

Well, I havent written in a while so I thought I would give you all an update.

First off all, my job SUCKS. My owner is such a jerk most of the time and I just dont know how to handle it. I dont want to quit because I would rather have a job where I am taken advantage of and not treated legally fair, rather than have no job at all. I have been looking for other jobs (well, starting tonight anyway..hehe..) so hopefully something good will come along and I can quit my current job. Also, I am going back to school in the fall (only for one class) but I am starting back in school full time in the fall of 2010...and in 2 years I will have a social work degree so hopefully I will be able to find a "career: after that, and not just a "job". So, Im excited about that.

For everyone who has been wondering, YES I am still clean. Its weird to me, at the beginning of getting clean I was so excited about it and talked about it alot, but not being clean is just my "normal" now so I guess I dont talk about it anymore. Every once in a while, like maybe once every 2 months, I will just have this revelation again and think, "WOW, its so amazing to me that I got out of that miserable time in my life! Its such a miracle!", and I will get really happy and excited again....but usually I dont even think about being clean anymore, I just AM. Its kind of hard to explain, but I hope you get what Im saying. On July 9th (less than a month away) it will be my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of being clean from pain killers. I am really looking forward to it...I really feel like its a huge milestone that I am about to reach. SO yeah, just to let anyone who was wondering, my sobriety is still on track...no relapses, no problems, Im doing great!

With the whole Tanner situation, its just getting harder and harder. I have realized more and more over the last couple months that I really think of that child as my own, and its hard to see another person in his life who he loves (his biological mother) treat him with no attention and never want to spend time with him. I know that hurts him. NO matter how she acts towards him or what she does to him, he will love her regardless right now because he is young and that is his mother. He just wants love and attention from her, and she doesnt give it to him.

Kristen told Jody a few days ago that when Tanner is with her, he asks for me alot. That was such a bittersweet thing to hear. I mean, on one end I love that he thinks of me when Im not there and wonders where I am and wants me there. On the other end, I wish SHE was enough of a mother to him that he wouldnt even think of me when he is with her. I just hope he doesnt cry for Dorin and I while he is with her. I know that she does not give him the love and attention that we do. When he is with us, he is our world. Well, even when he isnt with us, he is pretty much all we talk about. I mean, Dorin and I talk about him like he is OUR child...and its hard to have to share him with a woman who couldnt really care less about him. I mean dont get me wrong, I think she loves Tanner but she only loves him THE ONLY WAY SHE KNOWS HOW...and thats not a maturnal love that most women have with their children. ALOT Of people (including her own mother) has said that she should have never been a mother and that she doesnt know how to love people like most of us do. Its more like she treats Tanner like a possession.

It also doesnt help that she has now begun calling the house EVERY SINGLE DAY atleast once just to try to talk to Dorin. Its getting pathetic. She doesnt like me simply for the fact that I am with him and she is not. I am not saying that to be arrogent...its the absolute truth. Her mom has said it, Kristen has mentioned it to Jody MANY times (about how she wants to get back together with Dorin), and Dorin himself. I have no insecurities about it. I know that Dorin has no feelings for her (except hatred) and that him and I will be together forever, but it doesnt mean its not ANNOYING AS HELL when she wont let a day go by without calling him.

OK, well Im going to bed. Theres the update.

How........

Do you stop yourself from loving a child who is not biologically yours?

Do you try and seperate yourself from the situation between the father and mother when all that really matters is the child?

Do you try to now set boundaries now that you and the child are extremely attached to each other?


I am asking these questions because I have realized something over the past couple days. As most of you all know, I love Tanner more than anything in the entire world, and I would give my life for him in a heartbeat....but I have absolutely NO rights to him. I'm not his mother. I'm not even related to him. If something terrible happened (God Forbid!), the hospital wouldnt even be able to tell me anything about his condition. I guess it just really sucks to be so attacted and care so much for a child that is not yours. Yes, I know Im with Dorin and yes, we will probably one day end up getting married, but that doesnt give me anymore rights to Tanner.

I guess I just feel so protective because I WANT to be his mother. I want to be his mother because he deserves better than the one he has now. She doesnt care about him, she cares about the child support that comes along with him. She doesnt brush his teeth, she doesnt read him stories, she doesnt play outside with him for hours like I love to do. And you want to know why I know these things, because of the look on his face when I do these things with him. He is just a precious innocent little boy who needs security, protection, attention, and love.....and I do not feel that she gives him those these adequately. I mean, when Kristen comes to pick up Tanner while I am reading a book to him on the couch and he starts to scream and cry and hold on to me for dear life when he sees her, I get concerned.

Im not being conceited, but I KNOW that I treat him more like my son that she does. I know that him and I have a closer and securer relationship than Kristen and he have ever had, I mean, I spend atleast double the time with her son than she does.

She cant be a good mother when her main focus is money, personal attention, and drugs. She just cant.

The sad part is, she has no idea what she is missing out on. If she would just open her eyes and realize what she is doing she could be a good mom....I think. She is a VERY self-absorbed person....in her mind she comes before anyone else....even her own 2 year old son.

I hope that all this gets worked out soon before Tanner really starts to understand what is going on. I am hoping that by the time he can comprehend what family is, Dorin, him, and I will all be living together permantently and he will never have to wonder what having an unstable childhood is like.

Please pray for the situation. This child means the world to me....and I will do anything to make sure that he ends up in a safe, calm, and loving environment.

I know people say that blood is thicker than water, but I also think that water can be more pure and cleansing than bad blodd.

Big Suprise....NOT!

Oh my gosh....this is just getting ridiculus!!! Okay so Kristen dropped Tanner off last Tuesday (even though the plan was Dorin would get him on Thursday), she didnt call for a couple days (even though she said would pick Tanner back up Tuesday night-but then called again that night and said that she couldnt), called Friday to see how Tanner was doing (and I really dont understand WHY she does that...is she trying to convince herself she is a good mother by calling and checking on her son once a week?) and of course she complained some more to Jody about how much she still didnt "feel good" (which is code for, Im too lazy to take care of my son).

Well Saturday Kristens mom called us and told us that once again Kristen went back to the Emergency Room. Oh and just for the record, this is the 3rd time in LESS than a month. Seriously, there is NOTHING wrong with this bitch, she is just a pain pill whore who will fake any illness to get her hands on some pills....what a nice thing to do for a pregnant woman.

Well, she called on Sunday (the day she was supposed to pick Tanner up) and asked DOrin to keep Tanner another night. She never gave Dorin a reason and Dorin didnt even care if she gave him one....all she is is a big fat liar anyway. So she said she would pick Tanner up on Monday.

Well, Monday comes around and she calls again and says that she couldnt come get Tanner that day because she didnt feel good. Im not sure if she said when she would pick Tanner up again....if she ever does.

Kristens own mom called Dorin this week and thanked him for being such an amazing father and said that without Dorin in Tanners life, Tanners life would be hell with just Kristen. Wow, that must mean something coming from the bitchs own mom.

You know, this is just making me crazy! Does she not realize what she is missing out on by not being a mother to this precious little boy?? Does she not care?

In this month of May alone, Kristen has spent ONE full day with her son. ONE. And its the 19th! The only time she has come to pick up Tanner this month she went and dropped him off with her step sister.

DOnt worry though, things are going to change really soon. I cant say anything more about it, but good thingd are on the horizon.

So Much Going On!

You know, I am just going to TRY to keep this short. I just wanted to give everyone a little pudate on life.

Well, work is definately stressful. I dont feel respected with the comments my boss makes to me on a weekly basis. I am definately thinking about quitting, actually I am just waiting until the time is right, but I know that I wont be working there long. Its just too much stress for a little bartending job that I have to drive 60 miles round trip to get to (actaully around 80 miles when I have to go to my bosses house before, after, or even both for work atleast 3 times a week WITHOUT PAY. Whatever. I am going to quit last week but another bartender quit right when I was going to, so as the nice person that i am (sometimes I hate that about myself), I decided to not screw the boss over and stay....because if I would have quit to, he would have been left with just ONE bartender. Yeah, that wouldnt have worked at all.
The job is alot of stress, especially when my paychecks dont go through because there isnt enough money in the account. I mean dont get me wrong, I think that my female owner is super nice, but the male owner (they are married) is SUCH a jerk that i dont even know how to handle it anymore, plus I already have my dads blessing to quit...and thats coming from a man who has ALWAYS said, "Dont quit a job until you have found another one." But in this situation, he just thinks I am being respected, taken advantage of, and the icing on the cake for him was when my paycheck wouldnt clear and I had to call Brenda to straighten it out. Eventually I got my money, but it was already 4 days after I was originally supposed to get paid. Whatever/

Anyway. Things with Dorin and I are going wonderfully. We still have Tanner alot which is to be expected. Tanners biological mother is the worst mother I have ever seen in my life...seriously. She NEVER wants to spend time with him, she has full custody of him but cant keep him for more than a day and a half at a time. Just in the month of May Dorin has had him 12 days...and its only the 16. And during the 13-16 when KRisten had Tanner in her custody, she went and pawned him off on her step-sister so she could go have a ghetto "wedding" at the courthouse (you know, the SECOND time around since the first time then went to get married she found out that his "husband" was STILL MARRIED!!!) LOL...LOL...LOL....sorry that just makes me laugh my ass off. Anyway, so she picked Tanner up on Thrusday afternoon (after Dorin had Tanner for the last week straight), goes and drops him off with her sister on Friday, and then doesnt see him again until Sunday for mothers day. Then she calls on TUESDAY and says that ONCE AGAIN she has to go the hospital because she has something wrong with him....oh lord...here we go again. Her neverending "illnesses" in order to get painkillers....and shes pregnant! Nice mother, dont you think?!?! Anyway, even though she dropped Tanner off Tuesday morning (instead of Thursday as planned) she still hasnt called to let us know when she will pick up Tanner....big suprise.

YOu know, I just dont understand that bitch. I feel like I love her kid more than she does, NO I take that back, I KNOW I love her kid more than she does. She NEVER wants to spend time with him, she will make up ANY excuse in the book to get rid of him for weeks at a time, and yet she still has full custody. SHe is completely SCAMMING the state for money because of course, she loves to live off the state so she doesnt have to work. The state is giving her money to take care of a kid that she sees like MAYBE 2 days a week.....then she gives him to Dorin again to take care of for atleast a week.

I cant wait til all of this stuff is handled. I cant really say much more, but I seriously cant wait!

Oh yeah, and despite Kristens numerous tries to make me and Jody hate each other, once again it DIDNT WORK. We both know that Kristen is crazy and we both cant stand her. Jody has realized that Kristen is just a lying, HORRIBLE mother who doesnt give a shit about Tanner. But yeah, Jody and I are getting along better than ever...so I know Kristen is TRYING to be a homewrecker, but it aint workin.

Im not going anywhere!

So Much Going On!