How........

Do you stop yourself from loving a child who is not biologically yours?

Do you try and seperate yourself from the situation between the father and mother when all that really matters is the child?

Do you try to now set boundaries now that you and the child are extremely attached to each other?


I am asking these questions because I have realized something over the past couple days. As most of you all know, I love Tanner more than anything in the entire world, and I would give my life for him in a heartbeat....but I have absolutely NO rights to him. I'm not his mother. I'm not even related to him. If something terrible happened (God Forbid!), the hospital wouldnt even be able to tell me anything about his condition. I guess it just really sucks to be so attacted and care so much for a child that is not yours. Yes, I know Im with Dorin and yes, we will probably one day end up getting married, but that doesnt give me anymore rights to Tanner.

I guess I just feel so protective because I WANT to be his mother. I want to be his mother because he deserves better than the one he has now. She doesnt care about him, she cares about the child support that comes along with him. She doesnt brush his teeth, she doesnt read him stories, she doesnt play outside with him for hours like I love to do. And you want to know why I know these things, because of the look on his face when I do these things with him. He is just a precious innocent little boy who needs security, protection, attention, and love.....and I do not feel that she gives him those these adequately. I mean, when Kristen comes to pick up Tanner while I am reading a book to him on the couch and he starts to scream and cry and hold on to me for dear life when he sees her, I get concerned.

Im not being conceited, but I KNOW that I treat him more like my son that she does. I know that him and I have a closer and securer relationship than Kristen and he have ever had, I mean, I spend atleast double the time with her son than she does.

She cant be a good mother when her main focus is money, personal attention, and drugs. She just cant.

The sad part is, she has no idea what she is missing out on. If she would just open her eyes and realize what she is doing she could be a good mom....I think. She is a VERY self-absorbed person....in her mind she comes before anyone else....even her own 2 year old son.

I hope that all this gets worked out soon before Tanner really starts to understand what is going on. I am hoping that by the time he can comprehend what family is, Dorin, him, and I will all be living together permantently and he will never have to wonder what having an unstable childhood is like.

Please pray for the situation. This child means the world to me....and I will do anything to make sure that he ends up in a safe, calm, and loving environment.

I know people say that blood is thicker than water, but I also think that water can be more pure and cleansing than bad blodd.

Big Suprise....NOT!

Oh my gosh....this is just getting ridiculus!!! Okay so Kristen dropped Tanner off last Tuesday (even though the plan was Dorin would get him on Thursday), she didnt call for a couple days (even though she said would pick Tanner back up Tuesday night-but then called again that night and said that she couldnt), called Friday to see how Tanner was doing (and I really dont understand WHY she does that...is she trying to convince herself she is a good mother by calling and checking on her son once a week?) and of course she complained some more to Jody about how much she still didnt "feel good" (which is code for, Im too lazy to take care of my son).

Well Saturday Kristens mom called us and told us that once again Kristen went back to the Emergency Room. Oh and just for the record, this is the 3rd time in LESS than a month. Seriously, there is NOTHING wrong with this bitch, she is just a pain pill whore who will fake any illness to get her hands on some pills....what a nice thing to do for a pregnant woman.

Well, she called on Sunday (the day she was supposed to pick Tanner up) and asked DOrin to keep Tanner another night. She never gave Dorin a reason and Dorin didnt even care if she gave him one....all she is is a big fat liar anyway. So she said she would pick Tanner up on Monday.

Well, Monday comes around and she calls again and says that she couldnt come get Tanner that day because she didnt feel good. Im not sure if she said when she would pick Tanner up again....if she ever does.

Kristens own mom called Dorin this week and thanked him for being such an amazing father and said that without Dorin in Tanners life, Tanners life would be hell with just Kristen. Wow, that must mean something coming from the bitchs own mom.

You know, this is just making me crazy! Does she not realize what she is missing out on by not being a mother to this precious little boy?? Does she not care?

In this month of May alone, Kristen has spent ONE full day with her son. ONE. And its the 19th! The only time she has come to pick up Tanner this month she went and dropped him off with her step sister.

DOnt worry though, things are going to change really soon. I cant say anything more about it, but good thingd are on the horizon.

So Much Going On!

You know, I am just going to TRY to keep this short. I just wanted to give everyone a little pudate on life.

Well, work is definately stressful. I dont feel respected with the comments my boss makes to me on a weekly basis. I am definately thinking about quitting, actually I am just waiting until the time is right, but I know that I wont be working there long. Its just too much stress for a little bartending job that I have to drive 60 miles round trip to get to (actaully around 80 miles when I have to go to my bosses house before, after, or even both for work atleast 3 times a week WITHOUT PAY. Whatever. I am going to quit last week but another bartender quit right when I was going to, so as the nice person that i am (sometimes I hate that about myself), I decided to not screw the boss over and stay....because if I would have quit to, he would have been left with just ONE bartender. Yeah, that wouldnt have worked at all.
The job is alot of stress, especially when my paychecks dont go through because there isnt enough money in the account. I mean dont get me wrong, I think that my female owner is super nice, but the male owner (they are married) is SUCH a jerk that i dont even know how to handle it anymore, plus I already have my dads blessing to quit...and thats coming from a man who has ALWAYS said, "Dont quit a job until you have found another one." But in this situation, he just thinks I am being respected, taken advantage of, and the icing on the cake for him was when my paycheck wouldnt clear and I had to call Brenda to straighten it out. Eventually I got my money, but it was already 4 days after I was originally supposed to get paid. Whatever/

Anyway. Things with Dorin and I are going wonderfully. We still have Tanner alot which is to be expected. Tanners biological mother is the worst mother I have ever seen in my life...seriously. She NEVER wants to spend time with him, she has full custody of him but cant keep him for more than a day and a half at a time. Just in the month of May Dorin has had him 12 days...and its only the 16. And during the 13-16 when KRisten had Tanner in her custody, she went and pawned him off on her step-sister so she could go have a ghetto "wedding" at the courthouse (you know, the SECOND time around since the first time then went to get married she found out that his "husband" was STILL MARRIED!!!) LOL...LOL...LOL....sorry that just makes me laugh my ass off. Anyway, so she picked Tanner up on Thrusday afternoon (after Dorin had Tanner for the last week straight), goes and drops him off with her sister on Friday, and then doesnt see him again until Sunday for mothers day. Then she calls on TUESDAY and says that ONCE AGAIN she has to go the hospital because she has something wrong with him....oh lord...here we go again. Her neverending "illnesses" in order to get painkillers....and shes pregnant! Nice mother, dont you think?!?! Anyway, even though she dropped Tanner off Tuesday morning (instead of Thursday as planned) she still hasnt called to let us know when she will pick up Tanner....big suprise.

YOu know, I just dont understand that bitch. I feel like I love her kid more than she does, NO I take that back, I KNOW I love her kid more than she does. She NEVER wants to spend time with him, she will make up ANY excuse in the book to get rid of him for weeks at a time, and yet she still has full custody. SHe is completely SCAMMING the state for money because of course, she loves to live off the state so she doesnt have to work. The state is giving her money to take care of a kid that she sees like MAYBE 2 days a week.....then she gives him to Dorin again to take care of for atleast a week.

I cant wait til all of this stuff is handled. I cant really say much more, but I seriously cant wait!

Oh yeah, and despite Kristens numerous tries to make me and Jody hate each other, once again it DIDNT WORK. We both know that Kristen is crazy and we both cant stand her. Jody has realized that Kristen is just a lying, HORRIBLE mother who doesnt give a shit about Tanner. But yeah, Jody and I are getting along better than ever...so I know Kristen is TRYING to be a homewrecker, but it aint workin.

Im not going anywhere!

So Much Going On!