Sunday, November 1, 2009

"Whatever Move On"

Those were the only words I had to here to never want to talk to him again...I mean who would?...he breaks my heart, doesnt even let me say goodbye to him or his son, no closure, nothing, and just says "Whatever, Move on"...but then calls me and text me later that night more than once. Why the hell would I want to pick up the phone to someone who is SO disrespectful to me, I dont deserve to be talked to that way, but I needed to hear those nasy insesntive words anyway, so Im glad he said them. He answered every single question with that one statement...Im still hurting, but I will never allow HIM to hurt me again. He is a complete jerk right now, he is insensitive, a complete asshole, and everything in between.
I deserve better, and I will find better.
I've finally learned my lesson on this one. FINALLY. It only took 2 long relationships and alot of heartache that is not even over yet, but I know I will be just fine.
Girls, dont ever go for the Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hide kind of guy, its just not worth it, and eventually he will just end up to being competely Dr. Jekyl (thats the bad one right?...lol). Seriously, guard your heart, go after what YOU want for YOUR life, and leave the rest to work itself out. Dont consume your life in anothers EVER. If the person isnt strong enough to lead his or her own life, then you should stay far far away from them anyway.

I believe in Karma, or better said, I dont think the Lord just lets you get away with hurting someone the way he hurt me.

Karmas a bitch dude, have fun dealing with it cause Ill be LONG gone.

Utah or Spokane here I come!! =)

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

While the Tears Flow, I will write.

And it hurts so much to know that he probably doesnt even care of even think of me. There are so many tears I have cried, but that doesnt matter, it wont change anything. I cant get him out of my damn head and its driving me crazy. I miss him. I miss his touch. I miss his kiss. Im already crying again.
I just dont understand. How could I have been so blind to not see that he was actually just using me? People have convinced me he had this all planned out, and it breaks my heart. I feel so stupid. And what sucks the most is even though he used me and doesnt give a shit about me...I fell in love with him, and thats not going away. Sometimes I feel like I will be okay, but other times I just feel like my world was just ruined and it will never be the same again. I will never even get to see him again....I cant believe that. He was my person.
I miss Tanner so much too. That little boy has my heart just as much as his dad. Whenever moms talk about their kids, I think about Tanner. It was so hard to have to say goodbye to him in the middle of a public library. To know that that was the last time I would ever see him was just so unbearable. After they left I covered my face and started to cry so hard right there in that computer chair. I thought that was going to be my future....but it turns out that he doesnt want me. But that doesnt mean that my feelings for him changed. I still wanted him.
I wish he would just call. But I know he wont. He doesnt care and I need to get that through my head.
I dont think he will EVER realize the impact this has had on me, this is the hardest thing I have ever experienced, even harder than my best friend suddenly passing away....because with that situation, Nate was taken away, Dorin just walked away. I have my good and bad days, and right now in this moment, I am actually being real and honest and not trying to pretend like Im fine, because Im not. How do you just stop loving and thinking about the man you wanted to spend your life with? And then your just thrown away. He got a job and needed need me anymore, so he waited until after his birthday, and left me...broken.

Im broken...I will never be the same....I know I will eventually heal...but right now...Im just going to let the tears fall.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

About Him.

Well, when I was in the hospital, Dorin knew about it, he was sent a text message, not by me, but by a friend, and he NEVER text back or called to see how I was doing. It really REALLY hurt and it was kinda a huge reality check that he REALLY HONESTLY doesnt care about me AT ALL. Which when I truely think about, I can hardly wrap my mind around. I mean, we were together for 2 1/2 years, we had fun together, I loved him and I thought he loved me and in ONE DAY he completely changed my reality of not only him, but my own life.

But, his myspace songs are so depressing right now (yes, I know its bad but I still look at his myspace), and he NEVER used to put those kind of songs on there. I am thinking that he wants to be with Kristen and he is upset and depressed because she is still married about about to have a baby....so they probably cant really be together right now and thats probably where the sad songs are coming from (if the songs even mean anything). I know girls put songs on their pages that actually mean things to them, but Im not sure if guys do that to.

I dont know what to think. The only thing I have heard from him since he broke up with me and told me to "grow the fuck up and stop being so fucking needy", is the day that Jody and Tanner came up to me at the library and I started crying and telling Tanner that I loved and missed him every day. Im assuming Jody told Dorin because that same night he send me a text message at 10:30 pm that said "Hey I just wanted to say Im sorry for what I did to you and I hope you are doing good." I never responded. Whats the point? So, I can have false hope that he still loves me and realizes he made a mistake? Because the truth seriously probably is that he has already somewhat moved on with someone else, Im not saying he is full on committed, but I would bet alot of money that he has feelings for someone else....and that just breaks my heart and makes me feel like I never meant anything to him...and you know what...maybe even though that hurts to say, maybe its the God honest truth.

I'll never know I guess.

Having No closure SUCKS.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Some People....

Okay so I havent had any major medical problems since I got clean 15 months ago. No kidney stones, nothing. Well I had to go to the emergency room last night because I was having really bad stomach pains and my back was hurting too. I was proud of myself though because I told the Dr. and nurse right from the beginning that I used to be addicted to narcotic pain medication and I dont want any. To be honest though, it was a little tempting. It was the first time I think EVER that I went to the ER and didnt get the "good drugs". To know that they were only a room away, and a shot away, was a little tempting, but I got over that thought real quick. Plus, my Dr. wouldnt have given me anything like that anyway after I told him I have been clean for 15 months, he said he wouldnt want to "put all my hard work in jepordy". He was an awesome Dr., he listened to me, wasnt rushing, and even respected and took my idea to cancel the CAT scan he wanted to give me. I told him the reasons why I thought it was an unneccessary test for this situation, he told me I was being logical, and canceled the scan for me. I love it when Dr.s actually LISTEN to their patients wishes and dont just act like Gods with white jackets.

He took some blood work, which took 45 minutes and 4 nurses to find a vein that would give out any blood (they actually ended up having to use a vain in my boob...lol). I just have very small and stubborn veins. The blood work came back pretty much normal except that my hemoglobin level is low (which I have no idea what that means) and that Im slightly anemic. So, in the end, we just "figured" it was a kidney stone because he couldnt figure out why my stomach would hurt SO bad one minute, and then just stop. Completely intermintent.

But now that Im home, I KNOW I dont have a kidney stone. Im not sure whats going on with my stomach but its kinda scary because the pain is SO intense when it comes on.

I wrote about me having a kidney stone on facebook, and my old manager who just got fired wrote, "Do you ever feel good?", and I got so fucking pissed off. First of all, she barely knows me, she doesnt know my past, and this is the FIRST time I have been sick since she has known me. I just wrote her back and said "I dont know if you were trying to be funny or rude with your comment, but to answer your question YES I do normally feel good, Im just sick right now. EVERYONE gets sick sometimes." I just thought her comment was so insensitive and rude....I would NEVER say that to anyone.

At about 6 am this morning they finally said I was released, but they wouldnt let me drive because they had given me an xanax 5 HOURS BEFORE (it was ridiculous), so I had to try to find a ride....at 6am. I was just going to have one of my friends come to the ER and say "Yeah, Im taking her home"....and then I would just get in my car and drive home. Im not stupid, if I was really messed up I wouldnt have driven but I was completely FINE. So I started calling people. Some people, who some I werent even that close to, were to helpful, while a couple people who I consider my closer friends completely ignored me. It kind of made me realize who my real friends are and who would really go out of their way on 6am on a Saturday morning to help me. Alot of people didnt answer because they were sleeping but called me right when they woke up. It meant alot. My friend Nicole, who works in Sumner said she would stop by on her way to work, that meant alot. My friend Michelle said she would come all the way from Graham to help me, that meant alot. Brandy called me and apologized for not being awake, that meant alot. Melissa texted me and said that when she did talk to me she was so out of it and thought it was a dream (cause I did get ahold of her to pick me up but then my signal faded) and apologized, that meant alot. Shelby said she would have came and sat with me all night at the hospital, that meant alot. Once my best friend Lacey woke up, who lives in Utah, she immediately showed concern, that meant alot.

I dont like all this attention, I dont like to feel dependant on anyone for any kind of favor, but this morning I was seriously stuck. They eventually let me go because I said that someone was on their way to get me, and I had already been released for 2 hours so I think she just felt bad for me....because usually they have to watch you get into the other persons car, but she just handed me my paperwork and said to sit in the lobby until my friend got there. So I waited a few minutes, and then just walked to my car and drove away.

I can understand that they would be liable if something would have happened to me if they let me drive while I was messed up, but I was NOT messed up. They gave me 1 mg of xanax 5 hours before I was released, and Im prescribed 2 mgs a day by my Dr, and have for years. And I told them that, I showed them my prescription bottle. I told them I was fine, but they said I had to get a ride. Eventually though it worked out okay. I know their intentions were in the right place, they want to keep people safe.

So, thank you to everyone who has gone out of their way today with either a text message, phone call, email, etc, to wish me well wishes. I love that I have friends who I know will do anything for me if needed, which I think is awesome, because I would do the same for any one of those people too.

On the other hand, I also realized that some people dont really care....they act like they do, but when it comes down to it, they dont. It hurts, it sucks, but whatever. Atleast Im learning now instead of later down the road.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Learning to Make Myself Happy Alone

I have had a really good week. Of course I still miss Dorin, Tanner, and even Jody and Roger everyday, and seeing Tanner and Jody at the library was EXTREMELY hard, but besides that I am slowly starting to detach myself from Dorin and the thought of "us" all the time.

I have been hanging out with my friends alot, working, and getting ready to move into my own NEW room my dad is building for me. Im very excited about finally getting some privacy around here, because I know the days of me wanting to cry are not over, and now I can do it in private if need be. My room should be done in a couple days, and even though its not going to be huge or anything, I am going to decorate it and make it MY OWN. I havent had my OWN personal room in over a year....I mean I stayed in my brothers room when he was in Alaska working, but it was NEVER my room, I was just renting it out you could say....so its going to be really nice.

I've decided that I am more than likely going to stay in Graham and not move across the state or to Utah. I mean, I think that would really upset my dad for him to put all this time and effort into building me my own space and for me to say, "Well thanks dad but Im moving out in a week." I dont think that would go over too well.

I still havent been sleeping well which is very frustrating, I only slept for about 3 hours last night and I think Im going to take a nap when I am done writing this blog.

I have started to learn and understand that is is OKAY to talk and get emotional about the breakup because if I dont, where is all that emotion eventually going to go....its gonna have to come out some way or another, so why not just do it the healthy wat you know?

I have the most generous mom in the entire world. She took me shopping today and bought me a very expensive pair of jeans and this Ed Hardy perfume I have wanted for months, but she just didnt buy me the perfume, she bought me the biggest boexed set they had that came with EVERYTHING, even an Ed Hardy bracelet. She is the most giving person on this earth....I just cant believe what a big heart she has.

I got alot done today on my first day of my two days off. I hung out with Jessica and gave her alot of my old expensive clothes that most still had the tags on (no wonder I have to file for bankkruptcy!? and talked to her about Tanner and how much I miss him. I started to cry when I talked to her, I think its definately getting easier for me to open up about the situation, even though its so hard and painful. While I was at the mall today getting that stuff courtesy of my mom, I also got my Tiffany necklace and ring repolished for free, spent $15 on a cute hat and scarf from Payless, paid $40 to FINALLY get my ears peirced, and then spend like $80 at Sephora, my alltime favorite makeup store....its so easy to spend money there.

After I finally left the mall I went and got gas and some wine and went over to Shelbys house, it was so fun and plus I havent seen her since before she moved to California.....so overall it was an excellent day and night.

Tomorrow I am going to get some stuff done around the house, run some errands, hangout with my friend Megan and then going to a fun gitls night tonight. Its going to be so fun!!

The bottom line of all of this I just wrote is that I am purposely keeping yourself busy because not only does it take my mind off of Forin and Tanner but its just naturally good to me.

Okay well I really need to take a cat nap, I can barely keep my eyes open,

Monday, October 12, 2009

Day by Day

I know things just dont happen on accident.

On Friday, I was at the Graham library using a computer, minding my own business when I get a tap on the shoulder. I just thought it was someone to wanted to know how long I was going to be using the computer (which now makes no sense because there were plenty of computers open), and I turn around, and there stands Jody and Tanner. To be honest, I dont even remember what I first said. I remember at first trying to just be generic to Tanner, but then he just gave me loves and kisses and I broke down and started to cry (not full on balling, but crying) right in front of both of them. I couldnt help it, it was a natural reaction I guess. I told Tanner how much I loved him and how much I missed him. Jody was extremely nice and said, "I was debating whether or not to come over here but I thought you would want to see Tanner." And I replied, "Yeah you probably shouldnt have, but its okay." The visit was short and we said goodbye. Once they walked away I turned my chair where they couldnt see my face and I buired my face in my hands and just lost it. Even the guy who was sitting two seats down from me asked me if I was okay. I couldnt even answer him.

Then my gutt reaction was, I need to get out of here RIGHT NOW. So, I hurried up and left (leaving behind my favorite sunglasses in my mad dash to leave). So, Im in the parking lot and I couldnt find my keys in my mess of a purse, so I set my purse on my trunk to look for them and I see that JOdys truck is about to drive right past me so I turn around so my back is facing her so she cant see my teary face. Once I got my keys and got into the car, I sat there for probably about 10 minutes and just finally let all the tears out that I had obviously been holding in for weeks. It was heartbreaking to see Tanner, and Jody too. I miss being apart of their family.

So, this was probably around noon that all this happened. At 10:30 at night I get a text message from Dorin (obviously he has lost all ability to act like an adult and actually call someone on the phone) and it said, "Hey I wanted to say Im sorry for what I did to you and I hope that you are doing good." I almost started laughing when I read that...and I almost wrote back, "Oh yeah DOrin Im doing freakin fantastic thats why I cry in the middle of freakin public libraries." But I didnt. I havent responded and I wont.

I know he text me to make HIMSELF feel better, not me. Oh and on top of all that, this all happened the same day as the 4 year anniversary of my best friend being killed by a drunk driver.

I am slowly realizing that I need to talk about the situation and my feelings, because if I dont, they will never go away. Its okay for me to be sad and heartbroken right now. I spent 2 1/2 years of my life not only loving someone that I thought I was going to marry, but also bonding to his precious little son...and in ONE DAY that was all violently ripped out of my life. No one could go through that with a smile on their face.

Other things are happening in my life right now with someone else, who I have no where near the feelings I Have for Dorin, but Im not going to discuss that right now because I dont know who reads this blog. I need to figure out how to put it on private so only the people I invite can read it.

Slowly but surely I am getting my smile back. Do I wish I could have spent the rest of my life loving Dorin and raising Tanner, absolutely. But, now that I know the truth about how he really felt about me, it makes it easier to move on. He used me and only kept me around because he didnt have a job and needed me for money, thats obvious to me now....and let me tell you, it doesnt feel good at all to be used by someone you thought genuinely loved you.

I made a fire out back last night (well actually my brother made it) and I burned the last thing I had from him, his letters to me. It was hard, and when I read them some of the things he said really made me laugh because its so obvious now that he never even meant it, so why the hell did he even waste the time and paper to form certain sentances that we complete lies? Anyway, I just laughed about it and threw them in the fire.

I now have NOTHING that reminds me of him. NOTHING. It took me years to get rid of Chris' memories, but thats because I was using my heart. This time I didnt let me heart get involved when I threw stuff away, I just thought to myself, "Well, I dont need this anymore." and into the garbage it went. It actually wasnt hard at all.

Who knows when I am going to have a day off again, but atleast I have my black leather couches and recliner back, so thats nice.

I am probably going to end up moving to Spokane in 6 to 9 months if I cant find a dependable good roomate around here that I already know. Plus if I move to Spokane, I can go to the library anytime I want and know that I wont have to see Tanner. LOL. =)

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Baby Steps of Progress

Okay so honestly, I have handled this breakup completely different than any other breakup I have ever gone through. The first and only other major breakup I had (it was a 6 year relationship), it changed who I was, but I didnt really emotionally have to deal with it because I was so hopped up on pain killers that everything just kinda floated by, even though I was devestated. And, I wasnt so much hurt that we had broke up, but it was the fact that he got with someone else so quickly after our breakup. But, I got over it by talking about it, and talking some more about it, and crying about it, I let my emotions out, and that was how eventually I got over it (well, that and time was the main factor).

When Joe and I broke up (which we didnt date for very long, like 4 months), I was still on pills so I didnt really have to deal with that breakup either. It didnt really affect me much, I mean yeah it hurt, but not too much. Wasnt too big of deal.

I took some time off from dating, was fine with being single and I was actually enjoying it, and then in walks Dorin into my life. I fell for him immediately. I have always loved him. I have never JUST been his friend. We were very close our entire relationship...atleast I thought anyway. But, with the way he ended things, the things he said, they just cant be forgotton. The things he said to me hurt me so bad (and some of things he wasnt trying to hurt me, he was just telling me how he felt, and other times he was just straight up rude and nasty) that I dont think I could ever get over those things. He obviously had felt the way he did for a long time, because the things he said to me just dont develop overnight, like the fact that he said he thinks we are too different to be together now that we are clean, WELL we've been clean for 15 months, so I dont know why the hell he JUST told me that he felt that way. He said he felt like we were falling apart and that he wants certain things out of life, and I want other things. He thought we were moving in seperate directions, which I COMPLETELY disagree with. We were actually moving in the SAME direction, but whatever.

I have mixed emotions about him right now. Half of me is REALLY pissed off at him, I cant believe that he didnt tell me sooner how he felt. Was he just using me and stringing me along because he didnt have a job and I was supplying him with whatever he wanted? I THINK SO! And that just pisses me off so much! How could someone do that to another person? How can you just use someone until you dont need them anymore, and then just throw them away and break their heart, like they arent even a person with real emotions. It makes me think that he is such a selfish person. He waited only 10 days after his birthday to end things. I know why. He wanted his birthday presents because he knows that he gets whatever he wants from me for his birthday, and he did. Im pretty sure this was all planned out. He kept me around while he didnt have a job and needed me for things, but once he got a job and didnt need me as much financially as much anymore, I was just thrown away like trash. Is he so damn self-absorbed and selfish that he doesnt realize that Im an actual person too with feelings? Im assuming so. He doesnt give a shit that he hurt me, and thats the truth. Everything is about him, and as long as he is happy, thats all he cares about. Which actually proves alot to me, it proves that we probably felt differently about each other for a long time, that I was WAY more invested in our relationship than he EVER was, I was just the person in his life that he could use, and when he didnt need someone to use anymore, I was pushed aside.

Whatever, I did SO MUCH for that guy....I feel SO USED there are not even words to fully describe it. He doesnt think of me as a person, he thinks of me as an object who would give him whatever he wanted....and did he EVER shower me with gifts and money and whatever else?? HELL NO, not even once. And Im not bitter about that, Im really not, Im not one of those girls who needs presents and stuff, I just would like to feel a little bit of graditude for what I did for him over the 2 1/2 years we were together.

The other part of me is still the softie who thinks about him, wonders if he is okay, wonders if this really is the end, wonder if I will ever talk to him again, wonder that if this is the end if I will ever get any real closure. I mean seriously, the last things I ever heard from him is "You need to grow the fuck up and stop being so fucking needy." So yeah, not too much closure there.

I cant process all this right now. I havent cried, well except for the day when he said that to me, but ever since, I havent. My dad said to me last night that he knew I was going through a tough time, that Dorin was a dick and that I dont get to see his kid anymore, and thats all he needed to say and my eyes immediately filled with tears and I told him to stop talking about it and I walked out of the room and went into the bathroom to take a shower, just so I could be alone. I dont know why I cant just open up and talk and cry about this stuff....I guess Im just not there yet.

Im seriously again seriously considering moving to Spokane in about 6 to 9 months, or maybe even Utah. I dont know, there is NOTHING holding me here anymore, and I just feel like this is a time in my life where I need to live for ME and not worry about him anymore, but its really hard because my mind and heart really havent seperated me from him yet. I still worry and think about him, I miss him alot. And Tanner, I cant even really think or talk about him because my mind wont seriously let me. I think its just too fresh of a wound to try to deal with. You know when you have surgery and you have to rest and let your body re-coop and get better before you try to do your normal things again? Well, I guess Im still in the re-cooping stage. I still think about it everyday, but not constantly. I am trying to lead a somewhat normal life with friends, family, work ,and co-workers....and seriously all of those things have helped me alot not only keep my mind off of things, but also they have helped me to start the baby steps of opening up a tiny bit.

I have never ever not been able to talk about a breakup before. When Chris and I broke up I cried everyday and talked about the breakup constantly, and now, when people ask me ANYTHING about Dorin, I keep my answer short and then quickly change the subject. I dont like to talk about it because it makes me really sad, and more and more it makes it seem more real...and Im not sure Im ready to accept that its real yet.

I know I will get there one day....but Im going to take my time, not rush myself, and learn along the journey.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Its Official.

Dorin and I have broken up...for good. It happened almost a week ago and his words were very unexpected and kinda shocking. I know that it will all be okay, but right now Im very numb....if I think about it for long enough right now sometimes I get a little angry because I feel like he has had to have these feelings to a while, and he never communicated them to me, just continued to obviously use me for money, whatever I would buy him, get him, etc.

Its funny because the day before we broke up I gave him this really sweet card and wrote in it. I dont even remember what I wrote now, and since he never took it out of my car after he read it (it must have meant SO much to him...lol), its in the trash...along with everything else.

Normally I dont get rid of memories...atleast not this quick...but this breakup is different. I KNOW that its the end, so why keep the memories, just so I can look at them and cry? No Thanks. I mean, why drag it out? Its over. For Good. Done. Over.

The things he said (actually text me, he wasnt even man enough, or respectful enough, to call me) when and after he broke up with me were so hurtful that I feel like he wasnt even the person that I thought I knew. Its like he was faking being this really sweet, loving guy who loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Oh well, too bad, so sad.

The hardest parts are going to be knowing that I am never going to talk to him, and mostly Tanner, again. Like, we arent going to be friends after a while like Chris and I are now....and were a couple months after our breakup after being together for 6 years. This is seriously worse than that was....mostly cause Im clean I think....I actually have to FEEL being numb, and I know after the numbness wears off I am going to have to feel whatever emotions arise. But dont worry people, Im not going to relapse. He is seriously not worth it.

In the end, I did and probably will still for a while, maybe even forever, have unconditional love for him...which means that I sincerely want him to be happy, even if thats not with me. Im serious. Its hard to say, but I really do mean it. I love him enough to just let him go, instead of trying to hang on to him and get him back, because I know that he is happier without me in his life...and honestly I WANT him to be happier without me in his life....I mean, if he wasnt and I wasnt, what would be the point of us breaking up right?

I know now that he is not the one for me, I hate saying that because it sounds so final....but its true. So, because I know that, I know that I will be okay, and eventually be happier without him. Right now though, not so much. I do feel some relief though, I dont know if that was because there was always so much I felt I had to take care when it came to Dorin and Tanner, or because there was always drama with Kristen, or just because I wasnt supposed to be living that life anyway, who knows....I know I dont right now.

I started to miss him today, but not enough to cry much. Like not even a tear...my eyes got teary but that was it. And before today, I havent cried at all since the last day I talked to him a couple days ago. So its not like Im just laying around crying all day, everyday. No. Im still doing the same things I was doing when we were together except all the stuff that included him and Tanner. Like I no longer have to write down everything that happens with Kristen...thats a big relief. Im still going to work, making friends at work, going to coffee and talking with all my friends, etc. Im not going to stop my life because he left me, if anything I am just more free to do whatever I want to do now...to GO wherever I want to go now. This is the first time in a very long time that I have nothing really holding me in Washington, or this location in Washington. I mean my family is here, but thats it. Oh and my friends, but I will always have both of those groups of people no matter where I go.

The only 2 long distance places I am thinking about moving to are Spokane, Wa and Utah. Other than that, the only place I am going to move is Enumclaw with my mom, or Gig Harbor with my friend Shelby. Not sure of anything yet.

Okay, well the news it out, send it to the presses.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Finally Some Pictures

Look at this precious face. It never ceases to make me happy to see this little face.



Just Relaxin' on the 4th.


Could he seriously be any cuter?



MyLife.MyHeart.MyBoys.



I love this picture, all of us holding the sparkler...I like to think of the Sparkler as our beautiful Future.


Tan helping daddy work in the Chicken Pen. He loves to do whatever Daddy is doing.

Tanny's first ride EVER at a fair. He loved it so much, we let him go on it 3 times.

My Best Friend Lacey who lives in Utah who I miss EVERY SINGLE DAY. She is now a mommy to my beautiful and precious niece Royce Jade.

Still Goin' Strong. He is Amazing.


Monday, August 17, 2009

The Train Keeps Movin' Along

I havent blogged in a while so I thought I would write. As most of you know Dorin and I have hit a rough patch in our relationship. I have felt very insecure lately about how involved Kristen makes herself in Dorins family. Now, dont get my wrong, its not like she hangs out with us and goes on family outings with us, but whenever there is the SLIGHTEST problem in her life, she runs to Dorins family and tells them all about it. I personally do not think this is an appropriate behavior at all. Dorin on the other hand cant stand her and doesnt care what she tells him and his family because he simply doesnt care. But it has definately started to take a toll on me.

When you dream about your life with your husband and family, that dream never includes having to deal with a woman that wants to be back in the family dramatically. She has SO many "problems", and lets Dorins family know about each and every one of them. She has been to the hospital more than 10 times in the past couple months for various reasons. My personal opinion is the root of her going Dr. shopping and going to hospitals is to get painkillers, I think this because she has told me this in the past.

I have realized that Dorin and I need to work on our communication. We came to a point a couple days ago where we pretty much ended our relationship....but when I woke up the next morning my life just didnt feel right. Im always the kind of person who believes the grass is greener on the other side, but I have realized with Dorin that the grass may not be bright green, but it could be alot worse too. I had a really hard day yesterday (after we had talked and made up and everything the day before) and I went to his house and he just held me for about an hour and just talked to me about everything (which had nothing to do with our problems). He was so positive and uplifting, and in that moment, I realized that HE is who I want and need. Yes, we have communication issues sometimes, and yes, I have doubts sometimes, but at the end of the day, he is the person who I want to come home to.....forever.

Kristen and Jody will always be in my life, I understand that. But, there is always bad that comes with the good. Is dealing with Kristen and Jody a deal breaker for Dorins and my relationship? NO. Im a strong woman who can and will deal with it. Dorin knows how I feel now and has been very sensitive about it since we talked.

I have realized with men, that it helps the absolute most when you tell them DIRECTLY step by step what you need from them. It has never worked for me to hint around and tip toe around what I need, being direct and honest has ALWAYS gotten me the best results.

Dorin starts his new job today, and Im so excited to finally be able to look ahead to getting our OWN place together again, I think that will help the situation alot too, because Jody wont be there to answer the phone when Kristen calls, talk to her about all the drama, get off the phone and then talk to us about all of it for the next 4 hours. Kristen will quickly learn that when she calls Dorin and my house, there will be no talking about HER. Its going to be short, to the point, and ALWAYS ONLY about the only thing that even keeps her in our lives, Tanner. I know she wont like it because she wants the attention and wants to feel like Dorin and his family still care about her, but she is going to have to get over that. Im the woman in Dorins life, she had her chance but she blew it by cheating on him. She needs to realize that her chance is long gone, and that there is NO option of her trying to be close with OUR family.

Okay well, just wanted to update.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

The Most Important People in My Life

My best friend Lacey posted a blog a few days ago with pictures of her, her husband, and their new baby girl (who I consider my neice), and she entitled it "The Most Important People in My Life". It gave me the idea to also write a blog about the most important people in my life, and even if they dont read my blog, I am going to write about them/to them anyway.

Dad- What can I say, I was born with the best father on the planet. Not only are you always supportive but you add fun and laughter to my life daily. I love your sense of humor and the way you can make anything funny...I guess Davey got that from you. Thank you for ALWAYS supporting me and never giving up on me, even when I had given up on myself. You are my rock, and I will always be your little princess, no matter how old I get.

Mom- Your love and generousity is astounding. I have never met anyone as selfless as you in my entire life, and I aspire to be like you. Thank you for always supporting me in every way and always being there for me. I dont know where I would be without you.

Dorin- I love you. I adore you. I cant wait to spend my life with you. You are my best friend and I look forward to our lives together. We have been through alot together and here we are still going strong. Thank you for showing me everyday how much you love and adore me, and thank you for giving me the chance to help you raise the most precious little boy in the world. Cheers to us baby, this is only the beginning.

Lacey- Hands Down, you are my best friend. No matter what I am going through you always get me through it through your love and advice. I want to thank you for all your patience with me through the worst time in my life, and you know what Im talking about. Thank you for also being patient when Im crazy busy and dont answer my phone for days. I love you more than words can say, and even though we dont have the same blood, you are the closest thing to a sister I will EVER have. I am so extremely happy for you and the life you have created for yourself. Your precious baby girl will always be loved and adored by me, and I cant wait until you move back to Washington and we can sit and have coffee together every morning while chatting about our kids, husbands, and lives. I love you and I sincerely appreciate you.

Ashley- What can I say, even though we have only known each other for about a year now, you have become one of my closest friends. Thank you for always listening and giving amazing advice. I have told you this before, but you are irreplaceable in my life, and I know that God has blessed me with a great friend like you. I wish you all the blessings and happiness in your future whether that be here or in Spokane (wink, wink), because I know no matter what we will always be close.

Tanner- Thank you for being born. Thank you for loving me unconditionally every single day. I love you more than words could ever describe. I look forward to watching you grow up (but not too fast I hope) into an amazing person. Even though Im not your real mom, I love you just the same. I consider you my son and that will never change.

Alan- You are such a good brother to me and I love you for that so much. You have such a good heart and sincerely are one of the best people I know. Thank you for doing all the little things you do for me, like washing my car without me even knowing. Even though I am older than you, I feel like you are my big brother because of the protection you have over me. I know that we havent always been close, but its so nice to see that we are growing closer by the day.

Davey- You are hands down the funniest person I have ever known. You bring laughter into my life and i love you for it. I know now that you are living in Alaska we dont see each other for long periods of time, but you are always close to my heart. You are my baby brother and I love you very much.

Jessica- Before "the storm", you were the closest person to me in my life for a LONG time. You helped me through the most painful and difficult year of my life, and I want to thank you for that. I am so thankful that we are on the road to rebuilding a friendship because, to me, I will never be able to find a friend I connect with like I did with you. You are amazing in so many ways I cannot even count them all. Thank you for giving me another chance to try to make things right. I love you.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

If All my Dreams Came True....

This is what my life would look like if all of my dreams in life(that I can think of right now)came true.

1. My best friend Lacey and her beautiful family would move to Washington and we would live next door to each other forever. Our kids would be best friends forever. We would go through ups and downs together which would only make our friendship stronger. We would have coffee every morning after we put the kids on the bus to school. Josh, her, my future husband, and I would go on double dates. Our husbands would be good friends, and we would always be in each other lives.

2. I would get my Masters in Social Work degree and a Bacholers Degree in Child Psychology. I would go to work everyday, working for the State of Washington DSHS, and I would help take children out of horrible environments and give them a new chance at life. I would also talk to the parents of the children who were taken away and assist them in getting the help they need to be better inviduals and parents. Another part of my job would be talking to the children who were taken out of the unhealthy homes and help them realize how special and important they are, and answer all of their questions that they may have.

3. I would marry the man that I had always been waiting for my entire life. We would love each other, care about each other, have fun and laugher be a big part of our relationship and life, and honesty be the center of our relationship. We would have the same beliefs and rely on God for all of our needs and thank Him for all our celebrations and blessings. We would teach our children about the Lord, take them to church, and show them the love of Jesus through the way we treat each other.

4. Once I marry the man who was made for me and we start a family, I would take a couple years off to raise our children, which we would probably have 2, maybe 3 at the most. After the children were in school, I would go back to work as a social worker in order to be able to send our children to private school. We would have family dinners together every night and discuss our days with our children and each other. We would always try to maintain a strong family bond. We would teach our children, through telling them about the mistakes we had made in the past, what to avoid. We would encourage our children in all their talents and interests they became interested in, whether that being soccer or chess.

5. Backing up a little bit, once we got married, I would love to take a honeymoon to Maui, only because it is the most romantic place I have ever been in my entire life. We would look at the sights, swim and snorkle in the ocean, enjoy fabulous dinners, and watch the sunsets every night together.

6. I know there will always be hard times in everyones life at some point, but my husband would be a very determined, non-lazy, hard working man who would contribute to our household. I would also work too, but I would never want to be the only person working my entire marriage. I need a partner in all areas of marriage, and that includes financial teamwork as well.

7. We would have family vacations to Disneyland once the children were old enough to enjoy it and tall enough to ride all the rides. My husband and I would also take atleast one, maybe two vacations alone without the kids...probably with Josh and Lacey.

8. My parents and my husbands parents would ALWAYS be a huge part of our lives. We would have Sunday dinner all together every other Sunday night. They would have great, close relationships with their grandkids.

9. We would be financially stable enough to buy a new house or car when the one we currently owned was no longer big or suitable for us.

10. I would never want to worry about serious problems between my husband and I, I mean the serious enough problems that lead to thinking about divorce. Divorce is NOT an option for me once I marry someone, so if we were having problems we would have open communication, trust, patience, and love for each other even in the midst of the problems.

11. We would have a couple of animals. I would love to adopt an older big shelter dog like a lab or something. Also, I would love to give my kids an animal of their own (once they are old enough to take care of it) so they learn to take care of something else.


Bottom Line: I just want to have a happy life where I know that I am at peace with the choices that I make, and that I rely on the Lord for my strength and wisdom. I know that life isnt always going to be butterflies and sunshine, but I firmly believe that the good times should ALWAYS outweigh the bad TENFOLD.

WHAT WOULD IT LOOK LIKE IF ALL YOUR DREAMS CAME TRUE??

Addiction....and How Heartbreaking It Is.

You know, before I ever touched a pain killer, I used to have this opinion of drug users/addicts. I thought they were all losers who obviously wanted nothing for their lives and were just trash....I know that sounds harsh but that is the truth of my old views. Now, looking back, with everything that God has brought me to and THROUGH, my prespective have completely changed. I believe addiction is one of the saddest things I have ever come in contact with.

I think we can all agree that NO ONE dreams of being a drug addict when they grow up. In Elementary school children are always asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?". Most kids will say things like, "I want to be a doctor, a nurse, vet, firefighter, lawyer, etc." I dont think one teacher who has ever asked that question to a child has ever gotten the response, "I want to be a drug addict." Its just not something ANYONE wants to be, EVER.

I know that there is a HUGE DEBATE about addiction, some people believe (most of which have never personally dealt with addiction or have done little to no research on it) that addiction is just a mere personality flaw and that the person could stop doing drugs if they wanted to at anytime, but they continue to use because they are stupid. Another set of invididuals believe (these people include doctors, addiction specialists, recovering addicts) that addiction is actual a chronic illness that needs to be treated just as any other chronic illness. Of course, its not exactly like most other chronic illnesses. People do not choose to get cancer, or heart disease, or any other life changing illness, but after addiction takes hold of a persons brain, they no longer have that control over their addiction to cure it.

This is where, in my opinion, medical intervention takes place, and no Im not talking about giving the adddicted person more drugs in order for them to stop complaining and make the addict heal better for the day (if that), but to help them with their illness with medical advice and medical information, which were things in my personal case that dramatically helped me not only understand but to realize that there are medical explanations for the way I was feeling.

One of the things that I really want to say since I did kind of relate addiction to cancer is that IN NO WAY is cancer EVER a choice, and at the beginning of a persons addiction they ARE making a choice to injest, snort, shoot, etc the drug into their body. Yes I realize that the biggest difference between other major chonic illnesses and addiction is that most of those chronic illnessses the victim NEVER has any choice or control over ever obtaining that illness.

Anyway, although the addict does CHOOSE the choice at the beginning to start using drugs (even once), after that is a totally different ball game. Alot of people dont know that using prescription narcotics over a long period of time completely 100% changes the way your brain operates and commmunicates with the rest of your body. SO, long story short about that, your brain operates very differently and abusually with the longer you abuse drugs. So, it no longer becomes a choice for the addict, the addict now has to use in order to feel normal and avoid severe withdrawal and sickness.

Addiction is one of the most horrible things I have ever experienced and seen in my life, by far. It takes control of peoples lives and makes them into people they hate.
I have been the addict, but I have also been a loved one of an addict...and both of them are unbearable. Both people feel out of control completely, the addict feels out of control of his/her life, and the loved one feels helpless, extremely heartbroken, and hopeless. The loved one tries and tries to help the addict, but the truth of the matter is, no matter what ANYONE says to an addict about turning their life around and quitting using their substance of choice, IT HAS TO COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY 100% BE THE WANTING AND DESIRE OF THE ADDICT for the treatment to actually work.

I have people in my life right now who I am heartbroken for. I love these people with all that I am, and it breaks my heart to see them going down the wrong direction, not only because I love them, but because I know they could and would be so much happier and free if they would just let go of their addiction. But, when you are in the midst of your addiction, you cant see any of the good things that will happen once you give it up.

All I can do is give this situation to the Lord because its WAY too big for me. I cannot fix my loved one, I want to-but I cant. It has to come from within.

A Review of My First Clean Year

As most of you know by now, I used to be addicted to prescription medication. It started out legally actually, I had some kidney problems and alot of kidney stones, so my doctor started me on percocet in 2004. Well, things werent getting better, but not getting worse so I just continued to take the prescribed amount of medication when I needed it.

Well also as many of you know, 2005 was by far the worst year I have ever been through in my life thus far. My 6 year relationship ended which was very very hard on me, not to mention he got with another girl 2 DAYS after we broke things off, and continued to stay with her and get her pregnant. That basically changed me. I still had feelings for the guy, well atleast at the time I thought I did, so I was going through a very very hard time. The only thing that was really keeping me together was talking to my best friend since I was 13 years old named Nate on the phone every night for hours. We were both going through break ups at the time and really helped each other. We would seriously talk for hours and hours. He was definately my Rock. Well, 5 months after my big break-up on October 9, 2005 , my best friend Nate was tragically and suddenly killed by a drunk driver who was driving in the wrong direction down the freeway. So, in the matter of 5 months, I had not only lost what I thought at the time to be the "love of my life", but also my absolute best friend.

I was devastated to put it mildly, and I just wanted to escape from all the pain and hurt. Not to mention, when my ex found out that my best friend had past away suddenly, he all of a sudden wanted to be there for me again....which put such mixed feelings in my head. Anyway, when all of this happened I went to my doctor and told him everything that was going on, told him that I felt my body was all out of whack, that I couldnt eat, couldnt really sleep, and that my kidneys felt like they were about to just stop working because they hurt so much. My doctor felt extremely bad for me and UPPED my dosage of percocet....by ALOT. So that was the start of it. He had me on INSANES amount of pain medication for 3 years STRAIGHT.

Well, when he stopped giving it to me, I freaked out. I started getting it from other places, and my addiction just got worse. I never dealt with the pain of the breakup (and the feeling of being replaced by another woman so quickly) or the death of my closest best friend I had ever had.

Over the next 3 years my life became pretty lame. I dropped out of college, quit the job I had had and loved of almost 4 years, and pretty much did nothing for a while, except pop pills, which by then were my best friend. I know it sounds weird for people who have never had an addiction, but the pills for me were like a friend. I knew they would never leave me, and I knew they would always make me feel better.

Well, by 2008 I couldnt even stand who I was anymore. I hated myself for ruining relationships with pretty much anyone who had any meaning in my life, I hated myself for doing what I was doing, and most of all, I hated myself for who I was allowing myself to become. I was turning into a completely different person, and I hated the person I was turning into. It got to the point where I didnt even want to look at myself in the mirror because I hated myself so much. I knew the life I was leading was NOT AT ALL the life that I was supposed to be living. I knew that deep down inside of me was still a person who was supposed to do something with her life, to make a difference in the world (even just a little bit).

So, I made the decision on July 9, 2008 to change my life forever and say goodbye to my best friend at the time....pain killers. I knew I had to do it or I would hate myself forever, I would never be trusted by my family, and I would end up living the same old miserable, horrible, lonely, depressing life forever.....and I DID NOT want to live that way anymore.

Ever since the day I got clean on July 9,2008 I have changed into a completely different person, but I give no credit at all to myself, for I KNOW that only by the love and strength of God was I able to walk away from my addiction. I knew from that day that my life would never be the same again, I knew that I would NEVER EVER turn back, or even look back, at the pathetic life I used to live.

In this past year, I have honestly been able to experience pure happiness. Not the kind of short term euphoric happiness that comes from poisening your body with drugs, but TRUE REAL happiness that only comes from being at peace with yourself, your decisions, and the life you are choosing to lead. I have also gotten back something that I had missed for so long, INTEGRITY. You know, I realized you never realize how important personal integrity is until you have NONE. It feels good to know that I dont have anything to lie about anymore, I have no more secrets to hide. My life is now an open book and it feels really good.

Its like when I was released from the shackles of addiction, I felt this amazingly powerful FREE feeling that I had never felt before. I guess you never realize how much you long to be free until you are entangled and trapped in the throws of addiction. Its like a million pounds of bricks had been lifted off my shoulders and I could actually breathe freely again. It was an amazing feeling.

This past year has definately been great. I got my head straight, my heart mended, and my self worth back. Im not saying that getting clean is easy, the hardest part about getting clean was becoming honest with all my loved ones who I had hurt so bad.

I contacted every loved one and friend that I had ever hurt, betrayed, or ignored and apologized. I was completely honest, I told them the whole truth about my addiction and sincerely apologized for anything and everything I did to hurt them. It was hard because I could see the pain in their eyes, but it also felt so good to know that finally being honest with the people that I loved...and you know what. Every single person forgave me, and I have been continuously working on rebuilding those relationships again everyday over the past year.

The hardest people I had to talk to was my dad and my old best friend Jessica, who I feel is the closest friend I have ever had in my life. She is one of those friends that only come along like once in a lifetime, and I had and still have so much personal guilt for betraying and hurting her as much as I did....but I am working on mending that relationship. I dont know if we will ever really be friends again, but atleast I am doing something presently to atleast try to make one of the wrongs I did to her right. My dad told me that it was going to definately take a long time for him to trust me again, but I feel over this past year we have definately made alot of progress. In the beginning, I know he knew I was telling the truth about getting clean, but he still kept a very close eye on me. Now, I think he trusts me alot more than ever before. I think he knows that that part of my life is over, and I will never go back to it...and that feels really good.

Relationships, I have learned, are the most important part of a persons life, and without those relationships, you really dont have much. I know that building a relationship takes time, effort and work, but once you destroy that relationship I feel it takes TRIPLE the amount of time, effort and work to get the relationship back on track. I have told every single person who I have hurt and betrayed that I know it will take a long time for them to trust me and let me into their lives again, and thats okay with me. I know that I am a better person now, that I will never go back to the life I used to live, and all I have to do is work on myself and who I am becoming, and if I do that the others will see and eventually realize that they can trust me and let me back into their lives again. I mean dont get me wrong, I dont EVER think that I DESERVE to be let back into my hurt loved ones lives, but by their grace and love they have agreed to give me a second chance.

My relationships have definately gotten stronger over the last year with my family and friends. Also, ever since I got clean and completely seperated myself from the people I used to hang out with when I was living the wrong lifestyle....and you know what? God has blessed me with amazing NEW friends who love me and accept me for who I am, even knowing my past.

This past year was the first year of my new life, and I am so thankful for it. Without God, and his love, patience, guidence, strength, and grace I would definately not be standing here as I am today- a happy happy girl who is completely drug free. =)

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Again and Again

Wow, I know I have said this a million times but the drama with Tanners mom will NEVER stop! Dorin has had Tanner 19 out of the 25 days this month already and she isnt picking him up until Sunday. Apparently she is so addicted to drama that she married someone just as crazy as her. I have been on cordial speaking terms with Kristen starting on Fathers Day.

She called and Dorin was outside, I asked if she wanted to talk to him and she said no she just wanted to see how Tanner was doing and told me that she would just pick Tanner up the next day (instead of that day) because it was Fathers Day. So, while she is saying this stuff, her wonderful husband is yelling in the background, "Why dont you wish Dorin a happy fucking Fathers Day?!?!?" She told him to shut up and that she wasnt even talking to Dorin, she was talking to me. He continued to yell at her and call her a slut and a whore, stuff like that. They were fighting the entire time we were on the phone. She told me that they were getting a divorce because she was sick of his shit. But, she has said that a million times and it never happens.

So, yesterday she has a doctors appointment for the baby. Her doctor told her that the baby isnt growing anymore and is too small. I guess he said it could be due to all the stress of having a wonderful husband who calls you names like that. Oh yeah, and she probably conveniently forgot to tell her doctor that she is still smoking. Anyway, on the way home James was calling her all kinds of nasty names and accused her of trying to kill the baby. Oh, and Kristen wasnt even "allowed" to call and ask Dorin if he could keep Tanner overnight because of all the drama with the baby because James wouldnt allow her to. She had to call her mom, and her mom had to call Dorin and tell him. Her mom also said that Kristen should have NEVER married him, that he is crazy, and that he should NEVER be aloud to be left alone with Tanner...which scares the shit out of me. He just said he would keep Tanner until Sunday.

I have no idea why a woman would marry, and continue to stay married to a man who wont even allow her to TALK AT ALL to the father of her 2 year old child. He checks her phone records, yesterday when we went to get Tanner from her house before her doctors appointment he stood on the porch and watched the exchange between me and Kristen, Dorin didnt even talk to Kristen but James was still right there watching. I said Hi to her and told her she looked cute in the shirt she was wearing. She said, "Yeah Right." Then she said, "Well, I should go so I dont get in trouble." So she said bye to Tanner and went back inside.

Its all just ridiculous. In some ways I think she is more sane than he is. He seems crazy. Oh and another comment she made to me when we were talking on the phone on Fathers day and they were fighting is, "Oh my gosh Janine, if I wasnt pregnant right now I would be so messed up." (Talking about drugs). And I thought, well thats great, YOU STILL HAVE A 2 YEAR OLD CHILD but if you werent pregnant you would get messed up on drugs because of your stress?? What about Tanner???

Anyway, I hope that things calm down, but they wont...like Jody said the other day, things are going to get worse before they get better.

Other than that, things are good with me. Dorin and I are wonderful. We are focused on Tanner but are trying to make more special time for just us. We know that its important to keep our relationship strong not only for us, but for Tanner. He needs the stability from us, because he obviously isnt getting it when he is at his moms. I cant even imagine what he sees and hears when he is in her care. Its not like they scream and yell at each other and fight all the time ONLY when Tanner isnt there. Yeah right.

Im taking a flagger certification course on Saturday so hopefully I can get a different job. My hours got cut at work and I need a more full time job. Plus, Im going back to school in September and Im really excited about that. This next year I am going to try to save as much money as possible because starting in September of 2010 I am going to be in school full time for two years....then Ill have my degree.

Anyway, Im going to bed. Im tired.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Are We or Aren't We??

Okay so today was a pretty good day. I shopped with Jody, Dorin, and Tanner and had some fun. It was nice.

Anyway, my dad was talking to me last night about how he is going to retire in like 4 years and he wants me to take over the house...the only things I would have to pay is the property taxes, electric, and whatever else (no morgage though, its paid off). The total per month would probably be like $300 each month for a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house. Not to mention, I LOVE this house, its the house I have grown up most of my life in and I really consider it HOME.

Anyway, he said I would need a guy to live here with me to do the outside work (we have 2 acres), clean the gutters, and just keep the outside nice. I mentioned Dorin and he said, "Yeah, but this isnt going to be for like 3-4 years." Its like he didnt know if I would even be with Dorin then.

Then I had the same conversation with Jody tonight and when I mentioned that it was 3 years away she made some kind of comment about whether or not Dorin and I would even be together then. It just kind of sucks.

It seems like our parents believe we will not end up together, and maybe they are right, but atleast dont be rude about it.

Dorin STILL isnt working and I really cant handle it much longer. His motivation to work is like ZERO. His constant excuses are that "the economy is bad" and "My lisense is suspended because Im behind on my child support, how would I get to work?"....blah, blah, blah.

In my mind, if you want a job bad enough, you do whatever it takes to get a job....but obviously he is not in that frame of mind.

Personally, I am happy with the way my life is going. Ive been clean for almost a full year now, I have alot of savings, Im about to get a checking account again, I am planning on getting a one bedroom appartment in October once my brother gets home from Alaska (because Im not sleeping on my dads couch again). In my mind, I will do anything to continue to make money in order to fulfill my plans and dreams. Im going back to school, etc. Dorin is OBVIOUSLY not on the same page.

I am thinking about my FUTURE....I dont see how Dorin can be thinking and PLANNING for the future at all with how he is acting.

Whatever. I have no idea, with the way things are going right now, if we will still be together when I move back into this house as my OWN....but if we arent together, Im sure I can find a male roommate to help out with the yarkwork and stuff.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Lots Going On!

Well, I havent written in a while so I thought I would give you all an update.

First off all, my job SUCKS. My owner is such a jerk most of the time and I just dont know how to handle it. I dont want to quit because I would rather have a job where I am taken advantage of and not treated legally fair, rather than have no job at all. I have been looking for other jobs (well, starting tonight anyway..hehe..) so hopefully something good will come along and I can quit my current job. Also, I am going back to school in the fall (only for one class) but I am starting back in school full time in the fall of 2010...and in 2 years I will have a social work degree so hopefully I will be able to find a "career: after that, and not just a "job". So, Im excited about that.

For everyone who has been wondering, YES I am still clean. Its weird to me, at the beginning of getting clean I was so excited about it and talked about it alot, but not being clean is just my "normal" now so I guess I dont talk about it anymore. Every once in a while, like maybe once every 2 months, I will just have this revelation again and think, "WOW, its so amazing to me that I got out of that miserable time in my life! Its such a miracle!", and I will get really happy and excited again....but usually I dont even think about being clean anymore, I just AM. Its kind of hard to explain, but I hope you get what Im saying. On July 9th (less than a month away) it will be my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of being clean from pain killers. I am really looking forward to it...I really feel like its a huge milestone that I am about to reach. SO yeah, just to let anyone who was wondering, my sobriety is still on track...no relapses, no problems, Im doing great!

With the whole Tanner situation, its just getting harder and harder. I have realized more and more over the last couple months that I really think of that child as my own, and its hard to see another person in his life who he loves (his biological mother) treat him with no attention and never want to spend time with him. I know that hurts him. NO matter how she acts towards him or what she does to him, he will love her regardless right now because he is young and that is his mother. He just wants love and attention from her, and she doesnt give it to him.

Kristen told Jody a few days ago that when Tanner is with her, he asks for me alot. That was such a bittersweet thing to hear. I mean, on one end I love that he thinks of me when Im not there and wonders where I am and wants me there. On the other end, I wish SHE was enough of a mother to him that he wouldnt even think of me when he is with her. I just hope he doesnt cry for Dorin and I while he is with her. I know that she does not give him the love and attention that we do. When he is with us, he is our world. Well, even when he isnt with us, he is pretty much all we talk about. I mean, Dorin and I talk about him like he is OUR child...and its hard to have to share him with a woman who couldnt really care less about him. I mean dont get me wrong, I think she loves Tanner but she only loves him THE ONLY WAY SHE KNOWS HOW...and thats not a maturnal love that most women have with their children. ALOT Of people (including her own mother) has said that she should have never been a mother and that she doesnt know how to love people like most of us do. Its more like she treats Tanner like a possession.

It also doesnt help that she has now begun calling the house EVERY SINGLE DAY atleast once just to try to talk to Dorin. Its getting pathetic. She doesnt like me simply for the fact that I am with him and she is not. I am not saying that to be arrogent...its the absolute truth. Her mom has said it, Kristen has mentioned it to Jody MANY times (about how she wants to get back together with Dorin), and Dorin himself. I have no insecurities about it. I know that Dorin has no feelings for her (except hatred) and that him and I will be together forever, but it doesnt mean its not ANNOYING AS HELL when she wont let a day go by without calling him.

OK, well Im going to bed. Theres the update.

Friday, May 22, 2009

How........

Do you stop yourself from loving a child who is not biologically yours?

Do you try and seperate yourself from the situation between the father and mother when all that really matters is the child?

Do you try to now set boundaries now that you and the child are extremely attached to each other?


I am asking these questions because I have realized something over the past couple days. As most of you all know, I love Tanner more than anything in the entire world, and I would give my life for him in a heartbeat....but I have absolutely NO rights to him. I'm not his mother. I'm not even related to him. If something terrible happened (God Forbid!), the hospital wouldnt even be able to tell me anything about his condition. I guess it just really sucks to be so attacted and care so much for a child that is not yours. Yes, I know Im with Dorin and yes, we will probably one day end up getting married, but that doesnt give me anymore rights to Tanner.

I guess I just feel so protective because I WANT to be his mother. I want to be his mother because he deserves better than the one he has now. She doesnt care about him, she cares about the child support that comes along with him. She doesnt brush his teeth, she doesnt read him stories, she doesnt play outside with him for hours like I love to do. And you want to know why I know these things, because of the look on his face when I do these things with him. He is just a precious innocent little boy who needs security, protection, attention, and love.....and I do not feel that she gives him those these adequately. I mean, when Kristen comes to pick up Tanner while I am reading a book to him on the couch and he starts to scream and cry and hold on to me for dear life when he sees her, I get concerned.

Im not being conceited, but I KNOW that I treat him more like my son that she does. I know that him and I have a closer and securer relationship than Kristen and he have ever had, I mean, I spend atleast double the time with her son than she does.

She cant be a good mother when her main focus is money, personal attention, and drugs. She just cant.

The sad part is, she has no idea what she is missing out on. If she would just open her eyes and realize what she is doing she could be a good mom....I think. She is a VERY self-absorbed person....in her mind she comes before anyone else....even her own 2 year old son.

I hope that all this gets worked out soon before Tanner really starts to understand what is going on. I am hoping that by the time he can comprehend what family is, Dorin, him, and I will all be living together permantently and he will never have to wonder what having an unstable childhood is like.

Please pray for the situation. This child means the world to me....and I will do anything to make sure that he ends up in a safe, calm, and loving environment.

I know people say that blood is thicker than water, but I also think that water can be more pure and cleansing than bad blodd.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Big Suprise....NOT!

Oh my gosh....this is just getting ridiculus!!! Okay so Kristen dropped Tanner off last Tuesday (even though the plan was Dorin would get him on Thursday), she didnt call for a couple days (even though she said would pick Tanner back up Tuesday night-but then called again that night and said that she couldnt), called Friday to see how Tanner was doing (and I really dont understand WHY she does that...is she trying to convince herself she is a good mother by calling and checking on her son once a week?) and of course she complained some more to Jody about how much she still didnt "feel good" (which is code for, Im too lazy to take care of my son).

Well Saturday Kristens mom called us and told us that once again Kristen went back to the Emergency Room. Oh and just for the record, this is the 3rd time in LESS than a month. Seriously, there is NOTHING wrong with this bitch, she is just a pain pill whore who will fake any illness to get her hands on some pills....what a nice thing to do for a pregnant woman.

Well, she called on Sunday (the day she was supposed to pick Tanner up) and asked DOrin to keep Tanner another night. She never gave Dorin a reason and Dorin didnt even care if she gave him one....all she is is a big fat liar anyway. So she said she would pick Tanner up on Monday.

Well, Monday comes around and she calls again and says that she couldnt come get Tanner that day because she didnt feel good. Im not sure if she said when she would pick Tanner up again....if she ever does.

Kristens own mom called Dorin this week and thanked him for being such an amazing father and said that without Dorin in Tanners life, Tanners life would be hell with just Kristen. Wow, that must mean something coming from the bitchs own mom.

You know, this is just making me crazy! Does she not realize what she is missing out on by not being a mother to this precious little boy?? Does she not care?

In this month of May alone, Kristen has spent ONE full day with her son. ONE. And its the 19th! The only time she has come to pick up Tanner this month she went and dropped him off with her step sister.

DOnt worry though, things are going to change really soon. I cant say anything more about it, but good thingd are on the horizon.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

So Much Going On!

You know, I am just going to TRY to keep this short. I just wanted to give everyone a little pudate on life.

Well, work is definately stressful. I dont feel respected with the comments my boss makes to me on a weekly basis. I am definately thinking about quitting, actually I am just waiting until the time is right, but I know that I wont be working there long. Its just too much stress for a little bartending job that I have to drive 60 miles round trip to get to (actaully around 80 miles when I have to go to my bosses house before, after, or even both for work atleast 3 times a week WITHOUT PAY. Whatever. I am going to quit last week but another bartender quit right when I was going to, so as the nice person that i am (sometimes I hate that about myself), I decided to not screw the boss over and stay....because if I would have quit to, he would have been left with just ONE bartender. Yeah, that wouldnt have worked at all.
The job is alot of stress, especially when my paychecks dont go through because there isnt enough money in the account. I mean dont get me wrong, I think that my female owner is super nice, but the male owner (they are married) is SUCH a jerk that i dont even know how to handle it anymore, plus I already have my dads blessing to quit...and thats coming from a man who has ALWAYS said, "Dont quit a job until you have found another one." But in this situation, he just thinks I am being respected, taken advantage of, and the icing on the cake for him was when my paycheck wouldnt clear and I had to call Brenda to straighten it out. Eventually I got my money, but it was already 4 days after I was originally supposed to get paid. Whatever/

Anyway. Things with Dorin and I are going wonderfully. We still have Tanner alot which is to be expected. Tanners biological mother is the worst mother I have ever seen in my life...seriously. She NEVER wants to spend time with him, she has full custody of him but cant keep him for more than a day and a half at a time. Just in the month of May Dorin has had him 12 days...and its only the 16. And during the 13-16 when KRisten had Tanner in her custody, she went and pawned him off on her step-sister so she could go have a ghetto "wedding" at the courthouse (you know, the SECOND time around since the first time then went to get married she found out that his "husband" was STILL MARRIED!!!) LOL...LOL...LOL....sorry that just makes me laugh my ass off. Anyway, so she picked Tanner up on Thrusday afternoon (after Dorin had Tanner for the last week straight), goes and drops him off with her sister on Friday, and then doesnt see him again until Sunday for mothers day. Then she calls on TUESDAY and says that ONCE AGAIN she has to go the hospital because she has something wrong with him....oh lord...here we go again. Her neverending "illnesses" in order to get painkillers....and shes pregnant! Nice mother, dont you think?!?! Anyway, even though she dropped Tanner off Tuesday morning (instead of Thursday as planned) she still hasnt called to let us know when she will pick up Tanner....big suprise.

YOu know, I just dont understand that bitch. I feel like I love her kid more than she does, NO I take that back, I KNOW I love her kid more than she does. She NEVER wants to spend time with him, she will make up ANY excuse in the book to get rid of him for weeks at a time, and yet she still has full custody. SHe is completely SCAMMING the state for money because of course, she loves to live off the state so she doesnt have to work. The state is giving her money to take care of a kid that she sees like MAYBE 2 days a week.....then she gives him to Dorin again to take care of for atleast a week.

I cant wait til all of this stuff is handled. I cant really say much more, but I seriously cant wait!

Oh yeah, and despite Kristens numerous tries to make me and Jody hate each other, once again it DIDNT WORK. We both know that Kristen is crazy and we both cant stand her. Jody has realized that Kristen is just a lying, HORRIBLE mother who doesnt give a shit about Tanner. But yeah, Jody and I are getting along better than ever...so I know Kristen is TRYING to be a homewrecker, but it aint workin.

Im not going anywhere!

So Much Going On!

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Tanners 2nd Birthday Party!

Okay first of all, I just want to apologize that I dont have ANY pictures from his party, I figured out once I got to Dorins house that my camera was DEAD and my charger was at home, I got some pictures on my cell phone, but I have no idea how to put them on here...anyway, just wanted to clear that up.

Okay so at first, I wasnt even planning on going to this party because Jody and I have not seen each other or even spoken since Christmas....yeah so like 5 months ago. But, Dorin and I had at conversation the night before the party and he told me that I just needed to get over my fear/attitude and come to the party. So, I agreed.

I had to work all day that day (the party was at night) which kept my mind off of my nerves about going to the party. I had all these thoughts of me walking in and Jody yellling, "What the fuck are YOU doing here?? You werent invited!!"...and other great scenerios like that. But like I said, work helped keep my mind off of it.

I got off work an hour early because we had 3 people scheduled for that day/night and when the mid-day girl showed up we werent very busy so I just stocked a bunch of stuff, and then I left.

I was happy about that because I didnt want to have to rush to the party. I was planning on going to Target or Walmart and getting a cute little new shirt because we all know how much Jody intimidates me....and I thought I needed to look perfect...but it turned out that I just went home and changed, grabbed my camera (that I THOUGHT worked), and headed to the house.

Once I got there I parked and I saw that Dorin and Tanner were out in the front yard playing. And let me just say, it NEVER EVER gets old when I get out of my car, Tanner sees me, and RUNS FULL SPEED with a huge smile on his face into my arms. That almost made me cry because I just couldnt believe that my baby (well not MINE technically, but in my mind yes he is mine) is 2 years old already.

I spent the next hour or so playing with Tanner and Dorin in the front yard, chasing him, throwing Tanners tiny little football and either Dorin and I would tell Tanner to "GO LONG!" and he would just run and run all the way to the end of the yard sometimes, and then we would throw the ball....and Tanner just thought that was the funnest thing in the world.

OH and also, for some reason, Tanner was CONVINCED that he was turning THREE that day! It was hirlarius! Everytime you asked him how old he was turning today, he would say "Three." EVERY TIME. It was so cute and funny. I would try to correct him and correct him, but he was just convinced he is 3 now.

Then one of Dorins good friends Nick shows up, so that was nice. We all hung out in the yard for a while, oh and it was really funny, the second Nick showed up Jody went to the window (she was inside with all the adults) and said "Hi Nick!" (I had been there for like 45 minutes already with NO hello, but whatever, what can I except right?)

Anyway, then it was time to go inside and sing Happy Birthday and open presents (the party didnt start til 7pm so we didnt have dinner or anything). This is about the time when I started to feel uncomfortable. ALL of his family was there, which was fine, but Jody was orchastrating everything and asking people if they wanted something to drink or anything. She asked Nick and I together, "Do you guys want something to drink?" And we both said no. It was so funny, when Tanner was getting sung Happy Birthday to, he covered his face and was VERY shy...it reminded me of the stories I have heard of Dorin when he was younger....he was very shy as well.

Then everyone had cake, and I was in the playroom with the kids (Tanner and his cousins) and Jody came in and said, "Janine, do you want cake?" and I just said, "No Thank you."

Tanner opened his presents and he was obsessed with this T-Ball set that Dorin and I bought him, after he opened that, he didnt even want to open any of his other presents...but he did. Dorins cousin JoAnn got Tanner this blow up boat thing that comes with a bunch of little plastic balls, so its like you have a tiny ball pit in your house (you know, the ones they have at Chucky Cheese). He LOVED that too.

Then I realized I locked my keys in my car.....GREAT!! So, the party was pretty much over anyway but people were still socializing in the house, but Dorin and I went outside and it took him like 5 minutes to get my car unlocked. Well as soon as we came in, Jody said, "Dorin, Tanner has been looking for you." SO, of course I thought she was pissed at me, SO I decided to not be a little scared little girl in the corner, I went up to Jody and said, "IM really sorry we had to go outside, like the dork I am I locked my keys in my car and he was helping me get them out." And she said, "Oh its okay hun, Tanner just always wants to know where Daddy is." So, I just apologized again and walked away.

So overall, I think it went alot better than expected. I am hoping that one day Jody and I can have a good relationship, but Im not going to rush anything, and Im not going to get my hopes up, but overall it was a good start I think.

Anyway, sorry this was so long. I just cant believe my little monkey is 2 already (well in his head he is 3!)LOL. He is growing up so fast and I just wish there was a pause button I could push to keep him little for a little bit longer!

Monday, April 20, 2009

Things Are Going Well......

Well, I know I havent blogged in a while, but seriously there hasnt been much to blog about lately. I have been just working alot, which is good because I am actually saving up money, plus I am able to pay my bills, which is always nice.

My best friend Lacey was here this last weekend for her baby shower! It was so wonderful to see her. Everytime I see her I just wish she would just move back to Washington. She and I have so much fun together, and it seems like we laugh every 5 seconds together, and it always seems like we are the only 2 people in any room that thinks what we are talking about is funny....we just have an awesome connection like that. I know that she will be one of my best friends forever, and I just wish she lived closer! Her baby shower was really fun, and I got to see her 2 nights before her shower too for a couple hours. Her husband Josh came with her, and he is so cool too. He is super laid back but also super nice and friendly. I just love them!

Anyway, other than working and trying to help out around the house as much as possible since my dads girlfriend has a major knee injury and cant do any housework right now, I have seen Dorin the past couple weekends.

The first weekend we hung out we just went for a walk on the Orting Trail which is my absolute favorite place to take a walk, plus the weather here has been amazing so that makes it nicer. The first walk that we took we talked alot about the serious stuff that needed to be talked about. We got alot out in the open, we talked for a long time about alot of stuff...which was good.

Ever since we have been hanging out every couple days. When we first started hanging out again I thought he was hiding it from his parents that we were talking and hanging out again, but lately I have come to his house to pick him up, so I know his parents know now, even if they didnt know at first. And seriously, I have no idea how they feel about it...and right now I dont really care. I have come to the realization that the only person I can control in this world is MYSELF...and I need to stop worrying about how other people feel about me. I know that I am not perfect, but I know I am not a bad person either, so if some people cannot except me for who I am then I cannot control that and I refuse to worry about it anymore. As long as I know that I am being respectful, nice, and cheerful to everyone I come into connect with, then the rest is on them.

Anyway, Dorin and I have been working on alot of things. We have talked alot like I said, and right now we are just enjoying each others company. I mean dont get me wrong, I KNOW that there are issues in Dorins and my relationship, but the bottom line is that we love each other whole heartedly, and we want to end up together at the end of the day.

I have learned more now than ever before that life is short, and you need to make the most out of the life you are given. If you love someone and they treat you right, you should never take them forgranted and just "assume" that they are going to be there forever.

I have also learned that it doesnt matter about what other people think about our relationship (like Dorins mom and Kristen), Dorin and my relationship should only be about Dorin and myself...because we are the only two people in our relationship. As long as we love each other, respect each other, enjoy each others company, and mutually want to be in this relationship, no other persons opinions or problems matter because they are NOT in our relationship.

Dont get me wrong, I would love to get along with Jody and Kristen...and in a perfect world we would all get along. BUT this is NOT a perfect world we live in, and you have to roll with the punches. No relationship is perfect, but I have come to realize that the problems in Dorins and my relationship really NEVER had ANYTHING to do with Dorin or me....we never had problems with each other, it was/is always a third party who has a problem or causes drama that made the stresses in our relationship. It was always Kristen calling and telling lies and creating drama just because she wanted attention, or Jody not agreeing with the color of the shirt I was wearing that day (not being serious, but you know what I mean) that would lead to the stress between Dorin and me.

Right now we are making it a point to hang out ALONE for right now, I dont go over to his house while his parents are home, he doesnt come over to my house, we go somewhere and spend time alone together, just to strengthen US again....and its going beautifully. We both feel like we need to work on just becoming great friends and confidants again, strengthening our relationship and friendship, and frankly just enjoying each others company right now before we allow anyone else back into our life together.

Like I said, in a perfect world Jody, Kristen, and I would all get along, but that is not a priority for me anymore. I just keep reminding myself that my relationship and loyalty is to DORIN, not to his family. It would be nice if we could get along, but if we dont, Im not going to lose sleep over it anymore.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Funk.

So, as some of you probably know, I've definately been in a funk lately. I've been kind of withdrawn and quiet. And, I am sorry to my friends. I have never meant to hurt any of you, or ignore you. There is just this mood I haven't been able to shake lately.

Lately, all I want to do is be alone. I go to work, do my job, and go home. I pretty much have been hibernating in my room doing a whole lot of nothing. And, its starting to get really old.

I dont know, it just seems like when I first got off the painkillers I was so happy, I was my happy self again finally after a long time of supressing who I was. I was so happy to be off the drugs and know that I had overcome it. And, just in case any of you are wondering, I have never relapsed. I am still clean, and I will never go back, I know that. But, it seems like the excitement and happiness of overcoming my addiction has faded. I was excited and happy at the beginning because it was something that I had wanted to do for so long, and I have finally done it. But now, I'm not really excited about it anymore. The excitement has definately worn off (and to be expected I guess, I mean its been almost 9 months) and now being clean is just a part of life now. I guess the best way to describe it is that there really isn't that excitement and happiness anymore because being clean is just my life now.

And this funk I have been in has really made me realize why I started abusing painkillers in the first place. I started to get unhappy, about what, I really dont know, but I think the unhappiness and most of all BOREDOM brought me to the place where I started to abuse the painkillers. It was a thrill of the moment in the day, it was something to look forward to (as SAD as that is), it was something to break up the day. My addiction specialist that I have been going to since I became clean says that BOREDOM is a big reason why people use, and continue to use drugs and alcohol. As sad as it is, using the painkillers was something I looked forward to, and something I enjoyed doing because it made me feel SO happy and on top of the world. Which, is to be expected. Of course you are going to feel happy and on top of the world when your brain is altered with a substance that helps you release endorphins alot more and alot quicker than the body does NATURALLY.

Anyway, I guess it is kind of good that I went through this funk because I have learned alot about myself and why I started using in the first place.

I have realized that although sometimes I just feel like laying around all day and watching tv, I need to get up and do things. I need to get on with my life, I need to do things that make me happy and further my life and my happiness.

This process (getting clean), and everything it has brought with it (consequences and all) have really made me realize alot of things about life. First of all, how short life is and how foolish it is to waste time with such horrible behaviors and actions. I will NEVER be able to go back and get that time back that I wasted...and sometimes thats really hard to think about. But, on the bright side, I know that it could have been alot worse. Instead of getting clean at age 24, I could have continued that behavior for 20 more years, or even worse, I could have died without even making it to 30. You never know, what I was doing was dangerous and not healthy for my body, mind, and spirit at all....and seriously, there is only so much the human body can take before it gives up and shuts down.

I just thank God that He has given me this chance to get on with my life. I am going to start doing things that make me happy and bring me joy.

I cant wait for my best friend Lacey to come back next month for her baby shower, and then I am going to fly down there in July to see my little neice Royce once she makes her grand arrival.

Things are looking up....finally.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Blah.

So the past couple days I have been in a horrible mood pretty much constantly, and I kind of know why but its like overtaking me.

I just dont understand why life works out the way it does sometimes...I mean, why the hell can't things just work out the way I want them to, then I will be happy and can live my life with a smile on my face. But right now, there is no smile.

I have been thinking alot, and I just dont think life is fair. Some of the most rude and selfish people get everything they want in life, and dont care who the hell they hurt in the process.

I wish I could have my best friend back. I wish things weren't so damn complicated. I wish SHE isn't who she is. I wish all feelings were respected. I wish selfishness didn't exist.

I dont know where to go from here. In my head, I think I made the right choice because I dont see how anything could have ever worked out, but now Im just this permantly pissed off girl who doesnt care about having anyone around her. Seriously, I am like shutting people out (over the last week or so)...and I have no idea why I'm doing it. Its like Im protecting myself from something, but I dont know what it is. One of the people I care about most in this world I just had to let go of...and it really sucks.

I seriously dont like anything about my life at this moment. I know this will pass, but right now, Im just pissed. Im pissed and sad.

Sorry this blog is so depressing, but its just how my life is right now.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Lots of Changes and Challenges

Well, its only been a few days since the breakup, but Im already to get a little sad. I KNOW I am going to miss such an amazing guy, I mean seriously who wouldnt miss a guy with a heart like Dorin? But its okay, Im expecting to be sad and lonely for a while, and Im okay with that.

I tried (and think I did) do the best thing for both of us by ending the relationship. He can now move on and someday (maybe soon or in the future)meet a girl who not only makes him happy and he loves, but fits into his family the way a girl should. Like I have said before, I want that for him. I wish that girl was me, but its not, and Im learning to be okay with that.

I recently got another job. I will be a bartender at a small bar in a small town, but I think it will be good for me. I know the owners and they are WONDERFUL people, and I also worked it out with Red Robin, so I wont be losing anything there by getting another job.

I'll be working days at the new bar, and nights at Red Robin. I think it will be good for me.

I have been thinking alot lately and I really need to start working on who I want to become. I know that I have come a long way already by getting and remaining clean for almost 8 months now, but there is more too it. I want to save up money, I want to get my own place or a place with a friend, and I REALLY want to get in a good place where I can go back to college and get the degree I have longed for for a long time. I am excited to work on myself. I'm excited to know that I will be doing everything in my power to become the person I want to be when I have a baby. I dont want to become a mother who is just a waitress and still lives at home with her dad.

When I meet a man (which I am not planning on doing for a couple years), I want to be proud of the person I tell him I am. I want to be accomplished, I want to have all my ducks in a row so that when I do meet the man I am going to marry, I dont have to worry about issues I should have already taken care of.

Its ME time. Dorin deserves better than the person I am right now, and who knows maybe my fairy tale will come true...maybe after I get my degree and am settled, we run into each other again.

But only the Lord knows the plans He has for me, and its about time I start listening to Him. I'm not going to waste any more time, its time I grow up and truly start listening to the One who created me.