So, as some of you probably know, I've definately been in a funk lately. I've been kind of withdrawn and quiet. And, I am sorry to my friends. I have never meant to hurt any of you, or ignore you. There is just this mood I haven't been able to shake lately.
Lately, all I want to do is be alone. I go to work, do my job, and go home. I pretty much have been hibernating in my room doing a whole lot of nothing. And, its starting to get really old.
I dont know, it just seems like when I first got off the painkillers I was so happy, I was my happy self again finally after a long time of supressing who I was. I was so happy to be off the drugs and know that I had overcome it. And, just in case any of you are wondering, I have never relapsed. I am still clean, and I will never go back, I know that. But, it seems like the excitement and happiness of overcoming my addiction has faded. I was excited and happy at the beginning because it was something that I had wanted to do for so long, and I have finally done it. But now, I'm not really excited about it anymore. The excitement has definately worn off (and to be expected I guess, I mean its been almost 9 months) and now being clean is just a part of life now. I guess the best way to describe it is that there really isn't that excitement and happiness anymore because being clean is just my life now.
And this funk I have been in has really made me realize why I started abusing painkillers in the first place. I started to get unhappy, about what, I really dont know, but I think the unhappiness and most of all BOREDOM brought me to the place where I started to abuse the painkillers. It was a thrill of the moment in the day, it was something to look forward to (as SAD as that is), it was something to break up the day. My addiction specialist that I have been going to since I became clean says that BOREDOM is a big reason why people use, and continue to use drugs and alcohol. As sad as it is, using the painkillers was something I looked forward to, and something I enjoyed doing because it made me feel SO happy and on top of the world. Which, is to be expected. Of course you are going to feel happy and on top of the world when your brain is altered with a substance that helps you release endorphins alot more and alot quicker than the body does NATURALLY.
Anyway, I guess it is kind of good that I went through this funk because I have learned alot about myself and why I started using in the first place.
I have realized that although sometimes I just feel like laying around all day and watching tv, I need to get up and do things. I need to get on with my life, I need to do things that make me happy and further my life and my happiness.
This process (getting clean), and everything it has brought with it (consequences and all) have really made me realize alot of things about life. First of all, how short life is and how foolish it is to waste time with such horrible behaviors and actions. I will NEVER be able to go back and get that time back that I wasted...and sometimes thats really hard to think about. But, on the bright side, I know that it could have been alot worse. Instead of getting clean at age 24, I could have continued that behavior for 20 more years, or even worse, I could have died without even making it to 30. You never know, what I was doing was dangerous and not healthy for my body, mind, and spirit at all....and seriously, there is only so much the human body can take before it gives up and shuts down.
I just thank God that He has given me this chance to get on with my life. I am going to start doing things that make me happy and bring me joy.
I cant wait for my best friend Lacey to come back next month for her baby shower, and then I am going to fly down there in July to see my little neice Royce once she makes her grand arrival.
Things are looking up....finally.
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