Lots of Changes and Challenges

Well, its only been a few days since the breakup, but Im already to get a little sad. I KNOW I am going to miss such an amazing guy, I mean seriously who wouldnt miss a guy with a heart like Dorin? But its okay, Im expecting to be sad and lonely for a while, and Im okay with that.

I tried (and think I did) do the best thing for both of us by ending the relationship. He can now move on and someday (maybe soon or in the future)meet a girl who not only makes him happy and he loves, but fits into his family the way a girl should. Like I have said before, I want that for him. I wish that girl was me, but its not, and Im learning to be okay with that.

I recently got another job. I will be a bartender at a small bar in a small town, but I think it will be good for me. I know the owners and they are WONDERFUL people, and I also worked it out with Red Robin, so I wont be losing anything there by getting another job.

I'll be working days at the new bar, and nights at Red Robin. I think it will be good for me.

I have been thinking alot lately and I really need to start working on who I want to become. I know that I have come a long way already by getting and remaining clean for almost 8 months now, but there is more too it. I want to save up money, I want to get my own place or a place with a friend, and I REALLY want to get in a good place where I can go back to college and get the degree I have longed for for a long time. I am excited to work on myself. I'm excited to know that I will be doing everything in my power to become the person I want to be when I have a baby. I dont want to become a mother who is just a waitress and still lives at home with her dad.

When I meet a man (which I am not planning on doing for a couple years), I want to be proud of the person I tell him I am. I want to be accomplished, I want to have all my ducks in a row so that when I do meet the man I am going to marry, I dont have to worry about issues I should have already taken care of.

Its ME time. Dorin deserves better than the person I am right now, and who knows maybe my fairy tale will come true...maybe after I get my degree and am settled, we run into each other again.

But only the Lord knows the plans He has for me, and its about time I start listening to Him. I'm not going to waste any more time, its time I grow up and truly start listening to the One who created me.

Its Official.

I'm a single lady again.

In the end, I realized that no matter how much I loved Dorin, my love for him would not fix the problems that we had. When a girl is serious about spending the rest of her life with a man, its important that she fits in well with his family....and I CLEARLY do not, and never will. His mother loves him, and wants the best for him, and in her eyes, IM not that, so there would have always been problems.

I loved Dorin enough to know that this situation/our relationship is NOT the best for him, and I love him so much that I WANT the best for him, even if thats not with me. I want him to find a girl who not only he connects with and loves, but also gets along well with his mother and fits into his family well. I want that for him.

This is going to hurt for a while, and I know that. I know Im going to cry, be sad, and be lonely some days, but in the end I know Im making the right decision. And if Im not, well I will either have to deal with that for the rest of my life, or God will somehow make things work out. But, in my heart, I know that he deserves better than a girlfriend and mom who hate each other, with him stuck in the middle. I dont want that for him anymore.

I have never loved someone as strongly as I love Dorin, we have been through so much together, and conquered alot of it TOGETHER, as a team. But on this major family issue, we cant be a team....because that would require him making a choice between a family and life with me, or his family. And I dont want him to ever have to make him make that choice, its not fair to him.

I know in the end, he will find someone who is perfect for him, and to be honest, Im excited for that day, because I love him so much that I want nothing but absolute happiness, greatness, and love for him in his life.

Like I said, the next couple months are definately going to be rough, but sometimes when you love someone as much as I loved Dorin, you have to let them go to make sure they receive the best they deserve in life....and I wasnt that for him.

A Good Transition....Hopefully.

So, I know I havent blogged in a while, and Im sorry...especially to you Lacey. I know you like it when I blog.

Things have been rough lately. Really rough. Dorin and I have been staying at my dads house together but it hasnt been working out well. He has been unemployed for over 2 months now, and its really starting to frustrate me. There has been alot of tension and anger on my part...I feel like we need to be a team...and I feel like Im the only one doing anything. I mean, he is looking for a job, but not as hard as I think he should be looking.

I have decided that I think it would be best if he moved back in with his parents. I cant handle the burden of supporting him without having a bad attitude. I think he feels the same way. He has been at his parents for the last 2 days and it has been wonderful. I dont have to "take care" of him anymore, and its such a relief.

I dont know how things are going to turn out in the long run. His mother and I are still not speaking, nor do I EVER have the desire to have a relationship/friendship with her again. Its all just a big roller coaster with that woman. One day she loved me, the next she hates me, and I have just given up. I have expressed these feelings to Dorin, about me not ever wanting to have a close relationship with his mother again, and he hasnt really said anything about it.

So, in the end, I think RIGHT NOW there are just too many things stacked up against our relationship. Im not sure where it is going to go. I love Dorin, but Im not sure I can handle the drama of his mother and his sons mother forever.

I'll keep you posted.