Lots Going On!

Well, I havent written in a while so I thought I would give you all an update.

First off all, my job SUCKS. My owner is such a jerk most of the time and I just dont know how to handle it. I dont want to quit because I would rather have a job where I am taken advantage of and not treated legally fair, rather than have no job at all. I have been looking for other jobs (well, starting tonight anyway..hehe..) so hopefully something good will come along and I can quit my current job. Also, I am going back to school in the fall (only for one class) but I am starting back in school full time in the fall of 2010...and in 2 years I will have a social work degree so hopefully I will be able to find a "career: after that, and not just a "job". So, Im excited about that.

For everyone who has been wondering, YES I am still clean. Its weird to me, at the beginning of getting clean I was so excited about it and talked about it alot, but not being clean is just my "normal" now so I guess I dont talk about it anymore. Every once in a while, like maybe once every 2 months, I will just have this revelation again and think, "WOW, its so amazing to me that I got out of that miserable time in my life! Its such a miracle!", and I will get really happy and excited again....but usually I dont even think about being clean anymore, I just AM. Its kind of hard to explain, but I hope you get what Im saying. On July 9th (less than a month away) it will be my ONE YEAR ANNIVERSARY of being clean from pain killers. I am really looking forward to it...I really feel like its a huge milestone that I am about to reach. SO yeah, just to let anyone who was wondering, my sobriety is still on track...no relapses, no problems, Im doing great!

With the whole Tanner situation, its just getting harder and harder. I have realized more and more over the last couple months that I really think of that child as my own, and its hard to see another person in his life who he loves (his biological mother) treat him with no attention and never want to spend time with him. I know that hurts him. NO matter how she acts towards him or what she does to him, he will love her regardless right now because he is young and that is his mother. He just wants love and attention from her, and she doesnt give it to him.

Kristen told Jody a few days ago that when Tanner is with her, he asks for me alot. That was such a bittersweet thing to hear. I mean, on one end I love that he thinks of me when Im not there and wonders where I am and wants me there. On the other end, I wish SHE was enough of a mother to him that he wouldnt even think of me when he is with her. I just hope he doesnt cry for Dorin and I while he is with her. I know that she does not give him the love and attention that we do. When he is with us, he is our world. Well, even when he isnt with us, he is pretty much all we talk about. I mean, Dorin and I talk about him like he is OUR child...and its hard to have to share him with a woman who couldnt really care less about him. I mean dont get me wrong, I think she loves Tanner but she only loves him THE ONLY WAY SHE KNOWS HOW...and thats not a maturnal love that most women have with their children. ALOT Of people (including her own mother) has said that she should have never been a mother and that she doesnt know how to love people like most of us do. Its more like she treats Tanner like a possession.

It also doesnt help that she has now begun calling the house EVERY SINGLE DAY atleast once just to try to talk to Dorin. Its getting pathetic. She doesnt like me simply for the fact that I am with him and she is not. I am not saying that to be arrogent...its the absolute truth. Her mom has said it, Kristen has mentioned it to Jody MANY times (about how she wants to get back together with Dorin), and Dorin himself. I have no insecurities about it. I know that Dorin has no feelings for her (except hatred) and that him and I will be together forever, but it doesnt mean its not ANNOYING AS HELL when she wont let a day go by without calling him.

OK, well Im going to bed. Theres the update.