Baby Steps of Progress

Okay so honestly, I have handled this breakup completely different than any other breakup I have ever gone through. The first and only other major breakup I had (it was a 6 year relationship), it changed who I was, but I didnt really emotionally have to deal with it because I was so hopped up on pain killers that everything just kinda floated by, even though I was devestated. And, I wasnt so much hurt that we had broke up, but it was the fact that he got with someone else so quickly after our breakup. But, I got over it by talking about it, and talking some more about it, and crying about it, I let my emotions out, and that was how eventually I got over it (well, that and time was the main factor).

When Joe and I broke up (which we didnt date for very long, like 4 months), I was still on pills so I didnt really have to deal with that breakup either. It didnt really affect me much, I mean yeah it hurt, but not too much. Wasnt too big of deal.

I took some time off from dating, was fine with being single and I was actually enjoying it, and then in walks Dorin into my life. I fell for him immediately. I have always loved him. I have never JUST been his friend. We were very close our entire relationship...atleast I thought anyway. But, with the way he ended things, the things he said, they just cant be forgotton. The things he said to me hurt me so bad (and some of things he wasnt trying to hurt me, he was just telling me how he felt, and other times he was just straight up rude and nasty) that I dont think I could ever get over those things. He obviously had felt the way he did for a long time, because the things he said to me just dont develop overnight, like the fact that he said he thinks we are too different to be together now that we are clean, WELL we've been clean for 15 months, so I dont know why the hell he JUST told me that he felt that way. He said he felt like we were falling apart and that he wants certain things out of life, and I want other things. He thought we were moving in seperate directions, which I COMPLETELY disagree with. We were actually moving in the SAME direction, but whatever.

I have mixed emotions about him right now. Half of me is REALLY pissed off at him, I cant believe that he didnt tell me sooner how he felt. Was he just using me and stringing me along because he didnt have a job and I was supplying him with whatever he wanted? I THINK SO! And that just pisses me off so much! How could someone do that to another person? How can you just use someone until you dont need them anymore, and then just throw them away and break their heart, like they arent even a person with real emotions. It makes me think that he is such a selfish person. He waited only 10 days after his birthday to end things. I know why. He wanted his birthday presents because he knows that he gets whatever he wants from me for his birthday, and he did. Im pretty sure this was all planned out. He kept me around while he didnt have a job and needed me for things, but once he got a job and didnt need me as much financially as much anymore, I was just thrown away like trash. Is he so damn self-absorbed and selfish that he doesnt realize that Im an actual person too with feelings? Im assuming so. He doesnt give a shit that he hurt me, and thats the truth. Everything is about him, and as long as he is happy, thats all he cares about. Which actually proves alot to me, it proves that we probably felt differently about each other for a long time, that I was WAY more invested in our relationship than he EVER was, I was just the person in his life that he could use, and when he didnt need someone to use anymore, I was pushed aside.

Whatever, I did SO MUCH for that guy....I feel SO USED there are not even words to fully describe it. He doesnt think of me as a person, he thinks of me as an object who would give him whatever he wanted....and did he EVER shower me with gifts and money and whatever else?? HELL NO, not even once. And Im not bitter about that, Im really not, Im not one of those girls who needs presents and stuff, I just would like to feel a little bit of graditude for what I did for him over the 2 1/2 years we were together.

The other part of me is still the softie who thinks about him, wonders if he is okay, wonders if this really is the end, wonder if I will ever talk to him again, wonder that if this is the end if I will ever get any real closure. I mean seriously, the last things I ever heard from him is "You need to grow the fuck up and stop being so fucking needy." So yeah, not too much closure there.

I cant process all this right now. I havent cried, well except for the day when he said that to me, but ever since, I havent. My dad said to me last night that he knew I was going through a tough time, that Dorin was a dick and that I dont get to see his kid anymore, and thats all he needed to say and my eyes immediately filled with tears and I told him to stop talking about it and I walked out of the room and went into the bathroom to take a shower, just so I could be alone. I dont know why I cant just open up and talk and cry about this stuff....I guess Im just not there yet.

Im seriously again seriously considering moving to Spokane in about 6 to 9 months, or maybe even Utah. I dont know, there is NOTHING holding me here anymore, and I just feel like this is a time in my life where I need to live for ME and not worry about him anymore, but its really hard because my mind and heart really havent seperated me from him yet. I still worry and think about him, I miss him alot. And Tanner, I cant even really think or talk about him because my mind wont seriously let me. I think its just too fresh of a wound to try to deal with. You know when you have surgery and you have to rest and let your body re-coop and get better before you try to do your normal things again? Well, I guess Im still in the re-cooping stage. I still think about it everyday, but not constantly. I am trying to lead a somewhat normal life with friends, family, work ,and co-workers....and seriously all of those things have helped me alot not only keep my mind off of things, but also they have helped me to start the baby steps of opening up a tiny bit.

I have never ever not been able to talk about a breakup before. When Chris and I broke up I cried everyday and talked about the breakup constantly, and now, when people ask me ANYTHING about Dorin, I keep my answer short and then quickly change the subject. I dont like to talk about it because it makes me really sad, and more and more it makes it seem more real...and Im not sure Im ready to accept that its real yet.

I know I will get there one day....but Im going to take my time, not rush myself, and learn along the journey.