Day by Day

I know things just dont happen on accident.

On Friday, I was at the Graham library using a computer, minding my own business when I get a tap on the shoulder. I just thought it was someone to wanted to know how long I was going to be using the computer (which now makes no sense because there were plenty of computers open), and I turn around, and there stands Jody and Tanner. To be honest, I dont even remember what I first said. I remember at first trying to just be generic to Tanner, but then he just gave me loves and kisses and I broke down and started to cry (not full on balling, but crying) right in front of both of them. I couldnt help it, it was a natural reaction I guess. I told Tanner how much I loved him and how much I missed him. Jody was extremely nice and said, "I was debating whether or not to come over here but I thought you would want to see Tanner." And I replied, "Yeah you probably shouldnt have, but its okay." The visit was short and we said goodbye. Once they walked away I turned my chair where they couldnt see my face and I buired my face in my hands and just lost it. Even the guy who was sitting two seats down from me asked me if I was okay. I couldnt even answer him.

Then my gutt reaction was, I need to get out of here RIGHT NOW. So, I hurried up and left (leaving behind my favorite sunglasses in my mad dash to leave). So, Im in the parking lot and I couldnt find my keys in my mess of a purse, so I set my purse on my trunk to look for them and I see that JOdys truck is about to drive right past me so I turn around so my back is facing her so she cant see my teary face. Once I got my keys and got into the car, I sat there for probably about 10 minutes and just finally let all the tears out that I had obviously been holding in for weeks. It was heartbreaking to see Tanner, and Jody too. I miss being apart of their family.

So, this was probably around noon that all this happened. At 10:30 at night I get a text message from Dorin (obviously he has lost all ability to act like an adult and actually call someone on the phone) and it said, "Hey I wanted to say Im sorry for what I did to you and I hope that you are doing good." I almost started laughing when I read that...and I almost wrote back, "Oh yeah DOrin Im doing freakin fantastic thats why I cry in the middle of freakin public libraries." But I didnt. I havent responded and I wont.

I know he text me to make HIMSELF feel better, not me. Oh and on top of all that, this all happened the same day as the 4 year anniversary of my best friend being killed by a drunk driver.

I am slowly realizing that I need to talk about the situation and my feelings, because if I dont, they will never go away. Its okay for me to be sad and heartbroken right now. I spent 2 1/2 years of my life not only loving someone that I thought I was going to marry, but also bonding to his precious little son...and in ONE DAY that was all violently ripped out of my life. No one could go through that with a smile on their face.

Other things are happening in my life right now with someone else, who I have no where near the feelings I Have for Dorin, but Im not going to discuss that right now because I dont know who reads this blog. I need to figure out how to put it on private so only the people I invite can read it.

Slowly but surely I am getting my smile back. Do I wish I could have spent the rest of my life loving Dorin and raising Tanner, absolutely. But, now that I know the truth about how he really felt about me, it makes it easier to move on. He used me and only kept me around because he didnt have a job and needed me for money, thats obvious to me now....and let me tell you, it doesnt feel good at all to be used by someone you thought genuinely loved you.

I made a fire out back last night (well actually my brother made it) and I burned the last thing I had from him, his letters to me. It was hard, and when I read them some of the things he said really made me laugh because its so obvious now that he never even meant it, so why the hell did he even waste the time and paper to form certain sentances that we complete lies? Anyway, I just laughed about it and threw them in the fire.

I now have NOTHING that reminds me of him. NOTHING. It took me years to get rid of Chris' memories, but thats because I was using my heart. This time I didnt let me heart get involved when I threw stuff away, I just thought to myself, "Well, I dont need this anymore." and into the garbage it went. It actually wasnt hard at all.

Who knows when I am going to have a day off again, but atleast I have my black leather couches and recliner back, so thats nice.

I am probably going to end up moving to Spokane in 6 to 9 months if I cant find a dependable good roomate around here that I already know. Plus if I move to Spokane, I can go to the library anytime I want and know that I wont have to see Tanner. LOL. =)